BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Question about "biological clock"

Hi Chaco,
I too never felt like I had a biological clock, until I was about 36-37. Then started to feel like you - still no desire to have kids, but the desire to WANT to have kids. It was like my body was reminding me that the chance to change my mind was coming to an end. I decided to revisit my decision about having kids, and even considered having one. In addition to talking about it with other people including my ob/gyn, I found it helpful to read some of the books on being CF. One that I really liked was Jeanne Safer's "Beyond Motherhood: Choosing a Life Without Children", but there are lots of other ones listed on the MNK page. In the end I decided not to have kids, but I'm really glad I took the time to explore my decision while I still had the option to change my mind.

Good luck!

am I the reverse in question...?
I've gotten to 50 and am wondering on the logic of having had my children, and whether it was such a good idea....!

I think MOE is dead on, at least for me. Even though I've never strongly wanted kids, the option was always "out there." Once I hit mid/late-30's, I had a major melt-down when I realized the choice would no longer be my own. For me, it was one thing to actively not want kids, it was another to have it not even be an option. Weird, I know.

I feel a lot better, hearing that others are feeling this way. I definitely don't want kids, but didn't think I'd ever have a clock! It's kind of a relief to me; I wouldn't mind not having a choice. It almost makes it worse sometimes, knowing I could, because people tell me I'll change my mind.

I changed my mind in the other direction. I used to want children fairly badly when I was young, and always assumed I would have them. I waited until almost 30 to try, then it didn't work (also put quite a strain on the marriage). I could have kept trying w/the 2nd husband as I was still young enough and didn't have any specific reproductive problems, but decided it wasnt' worth the hassle, money, and disappointment.

We are both happy w/o kids and have a pretty nice lifestyle. I'm now in my late forties and still fertile - I could try if I really wanted to, but just don't care to. The older I get the less I care about it. I'm now in that group that's kinda bored w/the whole kid thing. It's nice that my sister had kids and lives nearby so I get to enjoy hers w/o having to do so 24/7. It's nice! And of course we have pets!!!

Isn't that more of a "sociological clock"...a very intellectual construct, as opposed to a biological/"body" thing?

Actually, women who feel the pull to have kids (and have them) in their late 30s-40s and beyond are more under the pull of a sociological clock than a biological one, I've always thought. If it were purely biological, Mother Nature would be sounding those alarms in the late teens and 20s, when women are physically most able to have physically healthy children. Even for those women who heed the "pull" in their later childbearing years, I think it's often more a question of "OMG, it's now or never...better go ahead and do it" as opposed to a calm, rational thought of "I want to have a child".

Elise

Interesting, Elise. Yes, I agree that the urge to have kids in one's late 30s-40s is ultimately a sociological clock. For me it was less of a "now or never" panic than an awareness that I would soon no longer have a choice. I wanted to be really sure.

Too bad so many women just rush into getting pregnant without really thinking about it at all.

I'm relieved by this thread as well. I'm in the sociological clock crowd. I stop and think whenever a friend gets pregnant or when I have an especially positive interaction with a child. It was also weird being in the waiting room while husband was getting snipped. Every magazine in there was filled with ads regarding medical procedures that help women get pregnant.

When this happens, I think of what parenting really entails. That brings me right back to reality.

I think for me it is part biological and part sociological. Biological in the sense that when this feeling occurs it defies all logic. I always hear that a women's sex drive increases in their thirties-perhaps because their body is inadvertantly trying to reproduce? I definately feel the sociological at times in that I think to myself that it would be nice sometimes to just fit in...and when someone I know gets pregnant I particularly feel this.

Regarding the sociological side, I was thinking recently about how I think sometimes I would just like to be celebrated for something. My sister-in-law got pregnant recently and I know that the hoopla has only just begun. Getting pregnant is really an easy way to please people. In a way, it is a relief to get let off the hook family-wise. If my brother and his wife have a kid, the grandchild thing is covered. On the flip side, I admit I feel like once the baby arrives I will be insignificant and everything will revolve around the grandchild.