BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Abusers psychology

Yes. I understand.

SOmetimes abusers are abusive to others outside of the main relationship. A lot of abusers display road rage, snap at strangers in the grocery line or at the restruant. My ex became verbally abusive to my mother when we were living with them. My parents had no idea he was abusing me. I had to go to work 1 month after my daughter was born because he wouldn't. My mom would call me at work in tears because of different things he would say. When I got home, he denied it all but I knew in my heart it was true because things he would say to her, he said to me too. It got so bad that he made her have seizures again and my dad kicked him out. My stupid self went with him. I could have very well had my dad drive him to near where my dad worked and just dropped him off (my dad worked 45 minutes away from where he lived). I tossed this idea around for days before deciding to go with him. In a way, I do think a lot of abusers have a double personality. They act as sweet as pie to those outside of the home and are monsters behind closed doors. When I started telling people what my ex was doing to me, soooo many people didn't believe me at first. "He is so nice, why would he do that" or "He doesn't seem capable of raising a hand to you Jeanette. He loves you so much." INside I was dying when people would say these things to me. I felt so alone because no seemed to believe me. Until the bruises started showing up in places and patterns that were odd.

Thanks for this .

I think that is why a lot of women feel as if they don't have anyone to turn to because a lot of times, if a woman opens up to someone close to her that she is being abused, often times women aren't believed. I think abused men have this same problem and even worse then abused women. It is sometimes hard to believe that a man can be abused by a woman. But it happens more often then we like to admit.

Yes. And that shows the value we give to our friend's words.

i totally agree with you there Alexandra. They put up a wonderful facade to other people, but show their "true colors" in front of the people they supposedly love.

Arecent survey in India indicated that even educated and intellectuals are abusing their mates.

If the abuse was seen and known by all, the abuser couldn't get away with it. They know this and that is why their communty, coworkers, etc., most often think they are wonderful people. They get a sense of security from it and use it as a means to control their victim. They tell you things like nobody will believe you if you tell. They also use this to make you feel the abuse is your fault. Because they aren't this way to others, it must be your fault, right? I don't think this is like a dual personality or like acting. It is the abusers survival plan or defense if need be. It's premeditated and intentional. They aren't stupid and are well aware that society as a rule will not accept this type of behavior. They know who they can get away with abusing and who they can't. When getting into a relationship, they seek these type of people out. Controlling, abusive people seek submissive people with low self worth. Opposites attract is true. A controlling, muniplitive abuser doesn't want someone just like them or a strong, independant person for a partner.

That's because their culture not only allows it, but also supports it. Men are superior to woman. Woman are considered property of men. If a woman acts up, it is considered the man's duty to put her in check. If he doesn't, he is seen as weak by society. Many cultures are this way. It hasn't been that long ago that it was acceptable in the U.S.

I hate the idea of women being property of men. This dirty idea makes abuse easy and justified in many socities.