BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband wants kids

Thanks! I know I will never be 100% sure, because I never was my entire life. I kept thinking at some point I would be, but I am not so sure. My husband says he will be fine without them, but I really do worry that he won't be and resent me for it. But like tubby, I too want a dog, a new house and things like that. I never felt the urge for a child and don't know that I ever will. I am still fairly young and know I have time, but I also know that I have been pregnant in my life, and that makes things that much more difficult. I mean, I had symptoms...I got a taste of what pregnancy is like (even if I was only 6 weeks along). Before I was pregnant, I thought it would be okay if it happened, but once it did, I started to think otherwise. After the loss, I wanted it back so badly, so yes, I am grieving in a strange way. One day it is okay, the next day I am dead set against it.

Joz, I am so proud of you for being so strong. I wish I was. How do you think you would have been if you did end up pregnant when you were trying? The therapist I am seeing now thinks it is up to me, but if I am really not sure how I would feel, maybe try having one and go from there. Not sure this is good advice either, which is why I am still so undecided. I do want to give myself some time off to make a better decision, maybe one day I will want this, but who knows. I just wish I knew how to get my mind off of this. Seems like it took you a while too. I almost wish it would happen by accident again so that God can make the choice for me. Its just a lot easier to day to forget about it for a while than it is do.

One more question, whwhn I talk about it with hubby, I tend to cry a lot too. Why is that? Is it because I am so upset thinking I am hurting him and letting him down? I would give him the world if I could, so why not this?

Thanks to all of you who have wished me luck. I guess at this point, only time will tell.

As for the crying...well, some of us are just watering pots! Actually, as the years have gone by, I have become a big proponent of having really good crys and just letting things out. What I've found, with this and other painful experiences, is that I actually get better faster if I just allow myself to feel really, really bad right at the get-go. I call it "wallowing in my pain". I'm talking about things like wandering around the house while your husband is out, periodically wailing, and using lots of kleenex. After several months of this, I get so tired of feeling sad that I start to come out of things on my own. At that point I can actually start making some decisions as to what I want to do about the situation.

This probably doesn't work for everyone...but hey, it's worth a try--and it's free! No prescription required. <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

During my first marriage, I never really let it rip with my husband, emotionally; I didn't really feel that I could (he was an alcoholic and was the source of a lot of my upset...so I pretty much just went to Al-Anon, sucked it up, and waited for him to get help, which he never did. 10 years after we got married, I finally got tired of waiting). He was sweet and meant well, but he forgot 50% or more of anything we discussed after 6 pm, anyway, so why bother?

It took awhile for my (second) husband to make his way past my defenses. But now, if I've had even just a moderately bad day, when he hugs me after we both get home from work, I can just let go. If that means tears, so be it, and he's just there for me. No judgments, no "Oh, c'mon, it wasn't that bad, was it?". It's a wonderful feeling, and I'm nowhere near used to it yet (even after four years together!).

hi there, I just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years. Before we got married, we talked at length about our feelings about various things, including children. Neither of us wanted children. (I never have, even though I do love kids. Just not for me!) A week ago, my husband told me that he wants a child. I am floored. One of the reasons we ended up together was our agreement on things like this. We're going to start marital counseling this week (things have been going downhill for a long time before this came up.. he goes to martial arts class 3x a week and out with his friends another 1-2 times a week, we never talk or make love anymore, etc).

To make matters worse, he conviced me to only work part time (actually he told me not to have a job at all) since I am an artist and I don't like the 9-5. I am so depressed now that I find it hard to know what to do. I feel paralyzed since he is the top breadwinner and I have fallen behind in my field and no longer know what I want to do. It's feeling like I can't dig myself out of my hole. I also dream of moving overseas but the only way I would be able to would be to get EU citizenship through my husband's family (which we are in the process of doing - although he doesn't care to move to Europe). I feel so powerless and deceived.

He says he doesn't expect ME to have children. What am I supposed to think of that? (He doesn't believe in adoption, either. He wants to pass on his genes or something). So, I am saying please just tell me if you want a divorce. He says if our marriage can be saved, maybe having a kid won't matter that much. However, I think it would always be something that was in the back of his mind and I don't want to deprive him of something like that.

Thanks for listening. Good luck. I wish I had some advice.

Jenna,

There *is* no other "thing like this". Any other decision you make as a couple (where to live, whose career should take precedence, etc.) can be changed and adjusted.

Having a kid is irreversible. Having one to "pass on the genes"...gack...not a valid reason.

"If our marriage can be saved, maybe having the kid wouldn't matter that much"...this is the only glimmer of hope I see here. The one thing that is for certain is that having a child does NOT help foundering marriages; it puts yet more stress on them. Sounds like money isn't an issue here, but time spent together and sex certainly are. Adding a child into this equation will not simplify anything. I was supposed to be the marriage-saving baby for my parents; instead of divorcing with only two children in the late 60s, they pulled it temporarily back together for my birth in 1966, then divorced all that much more acrimoniously in the late '70s. Absolute hatred of each other, using us kids as pawns, expensive lawyers draining limited resources --- the works. It was terrible for them, and worse for my brothers and me.

If one of the bedrock principles upon which your marriage was based has shifted for him, then he owes you a "get out of jail free" card: a nice easy divorce, on favorable terms to you. I'm sure he can find a broodmare somewhere else; there's plenty of them out there.

The fact that he's urged you to slow down in your career and not earn any money suggests he's got a few control issues, too, I'd guess.

I'm glad you're going to counseling. He's the one who's shifted and changed, not you; please be clear and firm. The counselor might find something to work with here, hopefully.

Best to you

Elise

Jenna, I hate to say this, but...

He's already going out 5 nights a week between his martial arts classes and friends...so when does he plan on being home to help you raise this child he suddenly wants? Could it be that he's telling you he wants a child because he knows how you feel about it and is hoping it will prompt you to split up with him?

And as Elise mentioned, sounds like he has some control issues regarding your working outside the home...huh, so maybe he wants you to have the kid to keep you at home all the time and even more dependent on him.

Well, I'm only guessing because of course I don't know your entire situation, but if either one of the above scenarios is true, I'd say RUN FOR THE HILLS AND DON'T LOOK BACK!

It sounds harsh, I know, but you are going to be in for a world of unhappiness if you have a child only for him. By all means try the marital counseling, but stick to your guns and don't let anyone talk you into something that you know isn't right for you.

I am in a similar situation to what others have posted on this topic and at least I know I'm not alone.

Thank you to everyone for being so open with their feelings and relationships.

I don't know what is going to happen with my life or marriage, but at least I don't feel so alone.

I usually lurk and/or just read Kim's editorial, but felt the need to say this.

Thank you and may we all be true to what we are meant to be.

Amen sister!

Oh my gosh, you could be me (except I've never been pregnant.) I know he really wants kids, but what if I give him a child to make him happy? That's not a good decision.

But as it stands, it seems like one of us is going to grow to resent the other: him if I never have children, and me if I do have children and am miserable.

Someone else who could be me ... I wonder that a lot too - what is wrong with me? Everyone else wants kids, why not me? Is there something biologically wrong? Maybe I have some genetic disorder and my body is saying "no children" because it doesn't want to pass that along (I know that's ridiculous, but it's crossed my mind.)

I think it's so much of a cultural thing, there is a certain order you are supposed to follow: dating, engagement, marriage, kids.

What I don't understand is why my husband wants kids when he's never even babysat on his own. He gets all the "good parts" when we watch my nephew - playing around. When it comes to feeding and diapering, the fights at naptime, the screaming (he's in his terrible twos) that goes to me.

Not because he doesn't want to deal with it, but because he doesn't know how and it intimidates him.