BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Dilemma: Perfect marriage, sexually incompatible

Thank you for the compliment.

My biggest goal in life has been to be a good husband and a great father. If what my family tells me is true I have been sucessful so far on both those fronts. Now, if only I could be as successful financially and career wise as I have been elsewhere in my life.

Kristen,

My wife and I are beginning to make plans to attend Family Life's "A Weekend to Remember" conference. This is a conference for married couples to attend to help repair and strength their marriages. It is a good conference. We attended has attend it twice. The last time was 5 or 6 years ago.

www.familylife.com/conferences/marriage.asp
www.familylife.com/marriage.asp

Craig,
Whatever works. I do not espouse the religious way to repair a marriage-I'm sorry but that is just my view and I'm not going into the reasons for it. But, if you feel this will help, then go for it.

I still suggest counseling and a good sex therapist.

Has past attendance helped in any way?

Normally, I would agree with you. I am agnostic myself, although my wife is catholic. However, I have attended this conference twice before and it is very helpful. I can look past the religious basis for this to the true helpful advice they give. I realize this is not a replacement for professional counseling, but it is a positive starting point. I am not a religious person, but I find plently of helpful marital information in this conference. I highly recommend it to any couple that is married, planning to get married or seeking to reunite.

I admit when we first did the conference I was very hesitate because it was religiously based. When I went to it the first time I was surprised how comfortable I felt in the environment and how helpful the conference was. Now, looking at going for a third time in over 10 years at this stage in our marriage I have no hesitation in using it as a starting point from which to mend and heal the relationship between myself and my wife. Actually, our familiarity with it is helpful. I suggested it to my wife as a way to begin to mend our relationship. The familiarity with the program made it easy for her to agree to the idea. It is a non-threatening and positive way for her to take a step forward with me on the road to marital and loving recovery.

Does your wife know you are posting all of this?
And on a women's forum?
What is her opinion?
And have you actually asked her outright, if she wants the same things you do?

No, my wife does not know I am on this forum.
I have discussed our situtation with her on several occassions. We have choosen together how to move forward in trying to solve our problems. We have been married 20 years.

Why have you not therefore confided this to your wife?

My point is that, keeping certain things from one another, regarding problems you are both facing, may not be as constructive as you hope.

What do you think she would say?

Just for the record, I was married for 23 years, before we both decided to call it a day. Time means nothing. It's just a benchmark, not an indicator of success or failure.

Craig,
20 years is not as much time as we think it is. Believe me, I'm married a bit longer and it seems we're still just getting to know each other! Time is human-made.

I truly hope all goes well for you and your wife. Because of the sexual abuse to her and your daughter, there are some unresolved issues that desperately need to be addressed. At this gathering you are going to attend, will there be counselors trained in sexual abuse as it relates to a woman's attitude towards sex?

I can't stress enough that this is a big part of your problem. I had a woman confide to me that when her husband of thirty years touched her in a certain way during sex, (something he'd always done and she had always enjoyed), suddenly she kept thinking about how a relative had done that to her when she was a teen. She had blocked it out.

Please get her help.

I know you are right. My wife has never fully opened up to me about her past. So, I only know what she has vaguely told me about it. I am certian it all resurfaced for her in the recent past when other problems were revealed.

I believe I am partly caught in a dilemma suffered by many men, but almost never spoken of. That is being the silent secondary victim of sexual abuse or rape of their beloved spouse. All the attention we give in such cases is to the woman abused, and rightfully so. However, what is lost in the need to heal the abused women is healing the people around her which are also effected by the abuse whether it was in the past or present. No one speaks publicly about this problem. Perhaps it seems as if doing so would be insensitively taking attention away from the abused woman. Also, maybe we as men are brought up thinking we need to be very stoic and self-sarcificing for our loved ones. So, we never speak of it either.

As to your question, there are several people to speak with at the conference. I believe they are trained by the organization, but not professionally licensed. Again, this step is not a solution in of itself. It is a starting point. The fact that it is familiar and comfortable to us makes it a good place for us to start. We also have family support, even if they live a long distance from us.

P.S. Do you have any recommendations of reading resources for my wife and myself. I appreciate your input and look forward to your advice.

Thank you

One great book and one very good site, Craig.

For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life by Jennifer Berman (Author), Laura Berman (Author), Elisabeth Bumiller (Author)

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