BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "Coming Out"

Hee -- I've actually used some of your examples during past interrogations.

I'd hoped being completely straight with my family about the finality of the decision would release the tension, but it seems like that STILL doesn't work for some. Oh, well...

My new husband is undecided about kids but I am 95% sure I will NEVER want them.

And don't even get me started on his parents. My husband is their last chance for grandchildren and also the last one (if we had a son) to carry on their last name. And believe me, they mention that EVERY chance they get. (His brother has slight mental problems and his sister can't have kids)

Quote from his mother, who bought us a new canopy bed as a wedding present : "Now that I bought you that bed, I expect grandkids"

I think that is the STUPIDEST reason to have children. I had to check myself on how mad they were making me. They really haven't "pressured" us per say, but it makes me very uncomfortable with all this baby talk and we've been married for a grand total of a month and 10 days. I think its extremely rude to even be bringing up the thought of kids that early, even in jokes!! His mom knew from the beginning I didn't want kids. Did she think just because I'm married now I'd magically change my mind?

Since it will be OUR child and not THEIRS, they need to keep their mouths shut and let us make our own decisions. I also know the holidays are fast approaching and the baby question WILL be asked. I know that for a fact b/c that's how anal his family is. I'm just going to say "I'm not sure if I want them, but definetly not ANYTIME soon" which to his family is like shouting an obscenity. Seriously. So it will take a lot of courage to just say that. And my husband will say anything to make his family happy, so he may try to soften it by saying "Not right now". And really, that is not what I'm trying to say. I'm saying they may never ever have grandchildren or great grandchildren. NEVER. The sooner they accept that and stop bringing it up all the time, maybe I'll warm up to the concept of having kids, although I doubt it.

Anyone else have this problem? [color:"green"] [/color]

My in-laws (FIL and 2nd wife) went on for YEARS about how we were ALL (them, dh's step-sister & family, step-brother/wife, dh & me, and 3 younger sibs) going to move to FL together and they would provide day care for all the babies we would all pump out. It finally stopped when they got divorced, but they both still held out hope that we would all have a bizillion kids. Well, the others all have them, but we've been married 12 years - it ain't gonna happen. FIL passed away last year, but still was hoping we'd give him grandkids. Oy!

JEG: Bless your heart. I don't know how old you are, but at my age, I am to the point where I say exactly where I stand. In a diplomatic way, of course.

If I were to offer you one piece of advice it would be this: DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND SPEAK FOR YOU. After he says how HE feels...make sure you let him finish, give him your undivided attention and smile while he speaks...sit up straight with lady-like crossed legs, and say with a savvy smile and self confidence: "I'm unsure whether or not I want to have children. However, I am leaning more and more towards choosing the childfree lifestyle." Then take a sip of whatever you're holding in your hand.

Your posture, facial expressions and self-confidence will speak volumes and you must exude it, even if you're trembling inside. See to it you have a cup of coffee or tea or whatever you enjoy, in your hand sitting politely on your crossed lap - a small mug, not a large cup or glass of cool liquid. This is also very important as you will be nervous. Having something to hold onto other then your husband's hand will show them you're independant and do not need your man to carry you through tough decisions in life. A cup of coffee or tea assumes maturity rather than does a red plastic cup of punch or diet coke. You speak for you and no one else. Posture is critical. Don't slouch. Make sure you are wearing something that empowers you. Maybe a black pencil skirt with zip-up boots, or a nice pair of slacks and a modern-style blouse and a decent pair of heeled shoes. You will be much more confident in an outfit that accentuates you as a woman, fits well and is a current style.

Good luck and stay strong, things are just getting heated up. We're here to support you and give you suggestions. Take what you think you can use to your benefit and let us know how things go. Christmas time can be a real b itch for some of us childfrees, especially the younger ones.

Fire

There is another reason I like the idea of being "out."

My childhood next door neighbors are childfree. I used to work for them as a teen and have helped them out intermittantly ever since. They were always honest about choosing not to have children and the husband was open about getting a vasectomy early on to make sure there would be no 'accidents.' They both have advanced degrees and enjoy their lives.

As someone who has felt from early on that they didn't want children, it was nice to see someone 'living the lifestyle,' so to speak. I like the honesty with which they approached the whole thing and like the idea of doing this with my own relationship.

In the time I have been with girlfriend, my parents have made no comments about our childfree choice. I too made it final by undergoing a vasectomy. $200 very well spent and my girlfriend is very happy to be off the pill! Before I met my girlfriend, my Dad and others would occasionally tell me I'd change my mind or there is no way I would meet a woman without kids or who didn't want kids. I always found these comments hypocritical since my Mom did all the grunt work when raising me and my two older brothers. My Mom and my middle brother were always more respectful and stayed out of my personal life. My oldest brother and his wife have 4 kids and I expect some sort of critical commentary the next time we see each other. I have found the best reply is that my girlfriend and I don't comment on other couples birth control choices and we expect the same!
Mike

Yesterday my cousin and his family came over to my parents' house. needless to say the kids,6months and 3yrs. old and parents(b/c they were ineffective to say the least in disciplining them, nanny 911!)drove us batty, even the dog. at one point i went into the bathroom to get some peace and quiet. the kids were certainly cute but we all spent the whole time telling them"don't do this, stay away from the dog, etc..." my poor mom was so exhausted by the end of the afternoon. i like my cousin and his wife was actually okay this time but i didn't have as good as a time as i could have had and neither i suspect anybody else. my cousing told me (thank god)that when they come to my house that they won't bring the kids.

anyway, afterwards my hubby commented that is one of the reasons we;re not having children. i know my mom deep down knows we dont' want any but i think she was still holding out.i really didnt' realize this until we had " the talk". she asked me if i really didn't want to have kids even one.i said no and she said "oh i won't be a grandmmother then." and i swear my heart almost broke for her but i stayed strong and said "no mom that 's not a good reason to have children." and i said "i'm sorry if you're disappointed." she said no but she said to think about it. i know she meant well but i don't think she realizes that i had been thinking about it for a long time before deciding to be cf. i think a lot of people dont' realize how difficult a decision it is to make esp. b/c it goes against society's norms. anyway,i'm glad i finally made it 100% clear to me but it was still one of the most difficult conversations i have ever had. afterwards i quickly changed the subj. i was upset that evening but i know that it had to be done. my hubby was suprised that she didn't know already b/c i know we've said stuff to her like that before.i guess maybe she had to hear it in a different way.


indigo

Congrats, indigo! It's great that you were honest with your mom, and I think you handled it very well. You are right, having a baby just so your mom can be a grandmother is NOT a good reason to have a child.
I think your mom will be okay with it in time. She should really be most concerned for your happiness.

thanks for the support!it's so great to have people who understand.my mom even agreed that having a baby for her isn't a good reason. i think it's b/c my parents wanted a baby so bad and couldn't so they adopted me. i know it's difficult for her but i think she'll be okay too. we have a very close relationship and maybe this will bring us closer, me being very honest with her.

thanks again!
indigo