BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Things you don't have the heart to say...

Hopefully, this won't end up being a negative post, but if would be helpful for me to be able to vent a bit...

What are some things you think when dealing with friends, family, etc who have kids, but you don't say because, even if it's true, it wouldn't be nice? My husband and I visited with a friend yesterday who has a six-week old, and I kept my mouth shut on some things because I saw no reason to upset people. Here are some of the things I kept to myself:

How long are we going to talk about poop?

Yes, the fact that you are taking a year off to raise your son at home WILL impact your career. It doesn't mean that you'll never work again, or that you won't do great things in your career someday, but it will probably delay things a bit. It's not necessarily a bad thing (if I had kids I would probably stay home the first couple of years too), it's just a change.

No, I don't believe that new mothers should get a year's worth of paid maternity leave just because they chose to become mothers. (Unless I can get a year off when I adopt a new cat!)

No, seeing you with your new baby, however cute he may be, does not make me want to have one.

While I am sure that raising a child is way up there on the list of Big Important Things you can do with your life, it is not the ONLY thing on that list. (This last one was in reference to my husband stating, on the way home, that "molding, shaping, and teaching a child is the most important thing you can do...how can creating databases at your job be more important to you?")

Anyway, I think there are times when you need to speak your mind about your decision to be child free, and other times when it's just better for all if you keep quiet...but that doesn't mean that my brain keeps quiet!

I think this is a fantastic post. Life ain't always great smelling roses, and negative is just as important as positive. Without one or the other, how ever would we learn, vent, change and grow?

Being 37 years old has taught me that the majority of the time, it is best to shut up. Remember, you usually say the most when you say nothing at all. And no matter how right you are, the moment you start yelling or getting upset, you've lost the battle.

I can't think of one time when I've actually responded harshly to any kind of situation with regards to being CF and the rude, uneducated and thoughtless comments some so-called parents have made towards our choice. You'll be surprised what a condenscending look and a eye roll will do - no words need to be spoken, and there's no point whatsoever in getting in an arguement.

I am unable to tell you what really goes through my mind when I'm faced with a similar situation, it is too vulgar <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" />. But I can tell you that I am ALWAYS the bigger person. My looks say it all.

Fire

Oh, Joz...what a fun day you had.

In a tiny little defense of your friend, if she's a new mom, the poop talk (or its equivalent for older children) might get better after she's been at it for awhile. Then again, it might not...

Again, the denial by parents that Everything in Life is a Tradeoff (even kids...no, scratch that...particularly kids) never ceases to amaze me. No, you cannot Have It All...you can try, but you will drive yourself nuts, and the concept of "Downtime", even a smidgen of it, will become a thing of the past. And no, your kids will not have the same upbringing if both their parents work full-time than if one parent (note: NOT necessarily the mom!) stays home.

The worst part for me, though, is hearing that you couldn't even really depend on support (or hell, even a good laugh about it all) from hubby on the way home. It sounds like although he's agreed that having you is more important than having kids, he's never going to let you forget it, either...

FWIW, I "mold, shape, and teach kids" every day, and I'm no parent...

Elise

that i don't give a [censored] about percentiles and head circumference and stuff like that. your kid is almost 2 years old. why are you still comparing with everyone else?

that's what i want to say. kid's not even 2 yet, and already he's got pressure to be better than everyone else.

Hi Elise--

Yes, I am hopeful that my friend will outgrow the poop discussions...

I've spent so much time the past 2 years thinking about my own choice regarding children, and the consequences, and what me and DH are giving up, that I don't think I really thought about what my pregnant friend would be giving up on the other side. I think it was hard for her to decide not to go back to work, and she's told me that she has some worries that her husband will think less of her because she's not purusing a career (though he wanted a child too and seems very good with it). When we left, she said, "Please come see me, if you can stand being around a stay-at-home mom" which made me realize that she has insecurities too--just about different things than me. It really brought home that no one gets everything they want exactly when they want it.

Yeah, the thing with lack of support from DH is troubling sometimes. If he didn't feel the way he does, I'd be a lot more vocal about celebrating how great it is that we don't have kids. As it is, I don't like to rub salt in the wound. That being said, sometimes he will make comments about being glad that he doesn't have to deal with some child-related stuff.

One thing we are doing together is helping his favorite niece pay for college--her mom isn't much help in that area. I am happy to donate some of my time and money to this because I know how important it is to my husband, and we make enough money that we can help out others from time to time.

The kids thing has certainly tested our marriage, and had I known my true feelings about children when we were dating, there's a good chance we wouldn't have gotten married. But you don't always know everything in advance, and people change. It's definitely hard work, making our way through this, but for now at least, we're making a go of it.

I DO know, regardless of what happens in the future, that I made the right choice for me. I might be alone someday, but at least I won't be alone with 2 kids!

Joz

Joz, family is also very important to us, and like you, we are fortunate to be in the financial position to help out (sometimes more often than I like). Along the way, we came to realize that the main appeal of kids for us was in being role models -- that we didn't need the birthing, diapering, feeding, etc. of every-day child maintenance to enjoy the kids in our lives. We are role models to our nieces/nephews, kids' friends, siblings, etc. in many ways - through our support of them (moral, emotional, etc.) and encouragement of their interests. We show them a strong, healthy marriage (many are from divorced or unstable parents). We emphasize education - we are both professionals with college degrees (and DH holds a professional license). Some of these kids have parents who did not finish or go to college, so it's not a "given" unless they can see the advantage.

Maybe you can help your husband identify what specifically appeals to him about the idea of having kids and to find something that fulfills that need beyond having kids of your own. There are so many volunteer opportunities that involve guiding and teaching kids, coaching sports, helping with homework, etc. I believe Big Brothers/Sisters even has a program that allows married couples to jointly mentor a child. I actually volunteer at our animal shelter, but one of my favorite programs is where we host 60 Girl Scouts to help them work on their animal care badges! It's a blast - I get my kid fix - and then I go home to my quiet house and a nice glass of wine!

I wish you well on your journey. If you're like us, you'll revisit your decision every now and then. We always ended up reaffirming that we were making the right one.

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."

I have a hard time with this sort of thing in all realms of life, not just my childfree decision. I am learning to become a bit of a diplomat, because if I just open up and say exactly what's on my mind, I can be rather acid-tongued at times.

That said, the one I probably would say most often to the most parents is, "stop focusing only on yourself and your family. Other people have feelings and opinions too. Despite what you say, it really WOULD be a problem for you to bring your infant over to my home. Get it through your head -- I just don't like babies at all!"

This one is for all the times people tried to bring kids over to my house despite my objections that I was very, very uncomfortable with it. I never actually said such a thing -- I just refused to let those families visit my house. We don't talk anymore. It's kind of sad that it became such a divisive issue. Why don't people understand it when someone has a phobia/aversion to babies? <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Other than that, the biggest one is "can't we talk about something else?" For parents that never stop talking about their kids. Not all parents are this way. The ones that are, annoy me. Get a hobby, read a book, just SOMETHING to talk to the rest of the human race about...it is not good for me OR for your kid that your children are all you think or talk about. Maybe this is why some kids are self-centered until much later in life -- their parents talk like the world revolves around them!

But I never have the heart to say all that either. Usually I can shift the topic in a different direction by asking open-ended questions about other topics.

By the way, I don't think it's rude to say to someone that even though their baby is cute, it doesn't make you want one. One can appreciate cuteness or beauty without wanting to own it...I give the example that my sister or best friend own a lot of adorable pets that I adore and give lots of attention while I am visiting, but I don't want to own any pets of my own. It's just a personal preference. Make it clear to parents that your preference has nothing to do with their wonderful kid or their good parenting skills, and this can be a very diplomatic thing to say.

What makes me bite my lip the most is when an otherwise intelligent, thoughtful woman is shocked, SHOCKED at how much work and financial strain being a parent really is when she becomes one. That has always been so obvious to me as a spectator. I can't fathom how anyone who seems clued in can avoid being aware of those things.

I've read so many different posts around this site about people not wanting kids, and how it's such a huge issue. I've never known anyone or met anyone who has been looked down upon just because they don't want kids. Who cares if someone wants kids or not. Some do, some don't. Why is this such a big deal?

I've also noticed that some people who don't want kids seem like they put down people who have kids, and speak about them as if parenting is an awful thing. Or that they know more about parenting than the actual parent.

I'm really trying to understand why this is an issue for anyone - for those who want/have kids, and for those who don't?! I guess I just find it mind boggling that there's is so much talk about it.

When it comes down to it, the way I've seen it, it seems as though people who have chosen not to have kids claim that they are judged for their decision, yet they judge people who are parents... It also seems like some people who don't want kids of their own wonder if they have made the right decision... there is no right or wrong - it's what you believe is good for you, what you want in life, what you don't want in life.

Those of you who don't want kids, that's wonderful for you! Those of you who do want kids or already have them, that's wonderful for you too!

As far as parents talking about their babies alot, of course that's what they are going to talk about! 1. It's something new in their life. 2. It's something they love. 3. It's a 24 hour job for a long time. Generally it's all they even have time for. What else are they supposed to talk about?

Although I do see the point where enough is enough, some people just don't care to hear about poopy diaper stories and what not - I agree with that being too much info. But when you have kids and raise a family that is what your life revolves around - at least for the first few years.

One other thing I wanted to say or ask.. is why does anyone have to be labelled as Childfree or any other term? To me it makes it seem like a clique or something. Those people over there have kids, stay clear. It kind of reminds me of something in school where you have a the "cool" table, and the "nerd" table, and all the other labels that are given.

I guess my point is, it seems like (and maybe it's just from reading posts around here because I've never seen, heard or experienced such negativaty towards anyone who doesnt want kids)the people who don't want kids have labelled themselves, and made themselves stand out against those who do have/want kids. Why is this? Why can't one just make their decision to have or not to have kids and leave it at that. Some people may be curious why you want or don't want kids. And theres nothing wrong with that.