BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I'm REALLY tired of all this *DELETED*

Post deleted by bluemoonbeam

It's completely possible to not want children of your own, but still desire to spend time around them on occasion. I have a few friends who are teachers (on several educational levels) and they love their jobs, but most certainly don't want any of their own. I know woman who's a children's librarian, but doesn't want kids. I'm not a fan of kids, after about 2 hours I'm looking for the nearest exit or martini, whichever appears first, but I still enjoy spending (limited) time with my nephews and showing them things. I've babysat before because they had no one else who could. I didn't enjoy it, but I did it weekly for months because it was necessary and I was available.

Not wanting kids isn't synonymous with hating them.

On the topic of the amazing disappearing friends...yes, I've noticed the exact same thing in my life. Of the friends of mine who've had kids I am currently in touch with exactly none of them. I've tried to keep in contact, but my emails and phone calls, if they're returned at all, are brief and only about the kids.

Their interest and focus changes, I guess. I find that sad, the exclusion of your previous life for the almighty golden baby, but it's their life. People do grow and change, that I can understand, but not to the detriment of all they knew beforehand. That, I don't understand.

I've noticed from reading the older threads on this site that there's an infinite variety of feelings the CF have about children. Some love them to pieces but don't want the responsibility, some want nothing to do with them at all and some are in the middle.

I wanted nothing to do with them for years, but later found I could enjoy them from the sidelines. I have no desire to caretake, though. I'm also biased towards older children that have communication skills and aren't freely emitting bodily fluids and foul odors.

I feel your pain on feeling alienated. Reading the threads here have given me a lot of relief.

Dear Blue,

<hugs> It sounds like you're having a really tough time! Don't worry, I support you and your childfree decision, and so do many others here at the MNK board. And I sure do know where you're coming from on this.

Sometimes friends and even siblings grow apart as they get older and things change in their lives. I have had this happen with many people for many reasons. Sometimes it's the baby issue...sometimes there are other things. It always hurts.

You could try to see if you could salvage some of these friendships by inviting your friends out for "just us" get-togethers: no kids, no husbands/significant others, no stress. A girls' night out. If they refuse, the friendship probably isn't headed in a very good direction.

While nothing can replace an old, lost friend, it is still good to make new ones. May I suggest your local chapter of No Kidding? Social networking is important for the childfree...this way you can meet up with people with similar lifestyles and views as you and your husband.

To address your question:

"if some of you are so opposed to having children WHY do you chose to babysit, have kids stay at your home or even take custody of them?? This doesn't make ANY sense to me and personally I feel that if someone TRULY DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN then they wouldn't agree to do ANY of this."

Just as all people are different, all childfree people are different too. Some people like kids but don't want to have them; this is similar to how I will handle and help feed my sister's pet snakes and tarantulas, but I would never own one of my own or let one into my house. Some people are pretty kid-neutral; they just see kids however they see the rest of the human race. Some people don't like kids and try to avoid them.

And then there's people like me. I dislike children intensely and I actually have a moderate phobia of infants, toddlers, and pregnancy/pregnant women. It all creeps me out so bad. I don't think babies or really small children even look human, and I think about the unfairness of it all...why couldn't we spring full-grown from eggs, or at least be like the animals whose young are moderately self-sufficient from birth? It bothers the hell out of me that the whole process and subject of children is so messy, noisy, and so very, very needy. Yuck! They are like leeches to me.

So to answer your question, I don't babysit, I don't let children into my home, and I try to avoid them, for the reasons you mentioned. That's because I am who I am; it's just my personality. But I respect other childfree, whatever their decisions for how to spend their time or who to let into their homes, because it is ultimately their decision, and everyone is different.

It can be hard to understand, I know...when you come from such a different frame of mind. Honestly, I try harder not to understand it, but just to let it be. It's much easier that way.


Now as far as those around you bugging you about the baby question, the main Married No Kids site has some advice for that. I personally try to make it clear to people that I just don't like kids, and that I'm uncomfortable with talking about it like that, so would they please change the subject. I'm also lucky to come from a very open-minded group of friends and family who don't typically question my decisions. So I don't deal with the question a lot.


Good luck with everything...I hope things get better for you.

I can understand that it is difficult when friendships change and it can be hard as your friends lives become more focused on kids. But just as you feel frustrated when people ask you why you dont have kids, I feel very frustrated when people think it is crazy to like kids but not want them. I work with kids with severe disabilities and I really enjoy it. I have no problem iwht changing diapers, feeding, or any of that. I dont really understand why people have a problem with those things, but I accept it we are all different. I acutally prefer babies to older kids. I like spending time with friends and family members kids, I also like giving them back. Im not sure if my husband and I will ever have kids, probably not. We are just happy with our lives with out them and feel fulfilled iwth our realtionship with eachother and our pets. I dont belive you should have kids unless you feel a very strong urge. Also I am fulfilled with my students at work. If I could afford to be a stay at home mom I might have a baby, but I know I cant afford to do that so I probably wont have a kid. Just as you want the choice not to have kids, so do I, we just have different reasons. I do however enjoy spending time with kids and honestly would not be bothered by a friends children. It does upset me when peope pressure me to have kids or say I must not really like them. I understand that you arent comfortable around kids and dont want to babysit, I think thats fine. However, I do think that you need to take into consideration that frienships,indeed all realationships go both ways and involve flexibility from both parties. If you want to mantain friendships with your friends then you need to except that their offspring our an important part of their lives, just as your husband is an important part of your life. Could you mantain a friendship with a person who could not tolerate or except your husband? Probably not. I am not saying you need to go all googly over your friends kids or offer to babysit, but you need to tolerate them. You need to accept a certain amount of discussion about them because they are a central part of your friends lives now. You also of course need to be able to talk about your intests and needs with your friends. I think you should talk to them. Maybe you can have some get togetehrs were the kids are involved and some where the kids are not involved, of couse your friends will need to compromise too and realize that all discussion and all get togethers cant just be about babies. IF they are like most new moms I know they probably will enjoy an occasional break from the baby. If you feel you cant compromise then you should join a childfree social group and make friends who are committed to not having kids. Good luck!

Blue: I recently returned from a visit out of state with a very, very close freind of mine who has had two children in the five years since we've moved.

It was a disaster. She looked horrible and her kids were a complete distraction. We never had a moments time alone, and when we did late at night, all she could talk about was how busy and time depleted she was.

She asked me before I left to visit if there was anything she could get me, all I asked was that she have coffee. She said no problem and the following morning when I awoke (from her 4 year old daughters' room whose bed wasn't even big enough for my 5'3'' frame)...NO COFFEE! She said "Oh, I forGOT...but there's a brand new convenience store only 3 miles away...oh, and would you pick me up a cappucino?"

And so it was, for 4 long nights, that I slept in a cramped, pepto-bismol pink room with no lamp by which to read and a safety handle on the door so I couldn't lock it for privacy, which her rotten little 3 year old boy took FULL advantage of, waking up eeeeeeevery morning to go to the store to buy ME a coffee and HER a da mn french-vanilla cappucino. I bought them lunch and goodies and various other things...ugh, it was shear misery, give give give and she took took took.

I packed up my s hit on the fourth night and spent what was left of my vacation in a hotel room.

I was supposed to sleep in the finished basement where I would have all the necessities and some privacy. Guess she didn't want to go through any trouble of throwing some sheets on the freakin' couch or something. You can imagine my dismay when I asked her how to get to the basement and she said "Oh, you're sleeping in Emily's room"! I had to drag all my luggage up two flights of stairs - absolutely ridiculous. She begged me in the beginning when I told her I was booking a hotel room not to 'waste' my money because they had 'plenty of room in the finished basement' and that it was all mine. I even got volunteered for some lovely baby-sitting time...ON MY VACATION !!!!!>:-(

Still, because I was raised better and have more cooth, I sent her a thank-you card when I got home. I also called to thank her (for what, I don't know) and to let her know I was home OK. I haven't heard from her since.

The moral to my story is, I feel your pain and I have experienced first hand the hurt of being treated like s hit once your freinds have kids. It s ucks, it's wrong and just not necessary. She BEGGED me to come visit for the longest time, I did and it was awful. First time shame on her, second time shame on me.

Fire

Even those of us who have had a child can still lose our friends and relatives when they have kids at a different time than we did.

My daughter is in college and my 45 year old sister has a 5 year old. I can't even talk to her on the phone without constant interruptions from him. She is the youngest in our family and has been very hurt and disappointed that the rest of us, who are WAY past the kid thing, didn't want to jump in and "get to know the nephew" ie babysit.

My other sister and I feel bad because we feel we lost our sister to the kid stuff at a time when we're more interested in retirement issues.

It even works with our kids having grandkids. My husband's two daughters and their husbands used to do lots of things with us but now it's all about the babies and there's many places we can't go and things we can't do with babies in tow. It becomes all about going to the park and McDonalds. Been there, done that!

I liked having my daughter but am really not interested in other people's kids or even even the grandkids.

I didn't have my daughter until my late 30's and thought I probably wouldn't have any kids. It does get to be a pain fending off the questions but lets face it, there's always going to be well-meaning family members and friends who think they know how we should lead our lives. You just have to do what's right for you.

Personally I think anyone who isn't 100% committed to having kids, should NOT have them.

I understand your frustration. I've had MANY friends that I feel like I lost due to them having kids. UGH!

Dear Joanj,

Thank you for your valuable point of view. We don't hear from very many parents or grandparents here. It is a very helpful reminder that sometimes the childfree really do share things in common with people who have had children.

Thanks for your story, and your support.

QUOTE
I am going to wrap this up but I do have one question for everyone out there....if some of you are so opposed to having children WHY do you chose to babysit, have kids stay at your home or even take custody of them?? This doesn't make ANY sense to me and personally I feel that if someone TRULY DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN then they wouldn't agree to do ANY of this. QUOTE
I never babysit, ever...no kids in my home...
I have been in your shoes, hang in there. I stopped going to visit family as much, so I would not hear all the breeder bingo remarks!!
I just cancelled a family event today; my Grandma keeps pestering me to take a porcelean doll in a bassinett home that she has been storing for 10 years... and I have nowhere to put the thing and I really do not want it! It gives me creeps since the doll was made for me by my Mom...(assuming I got pregnant, which I never will) Bleech!!!