BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Let's turn the tables

I am not bewildered as to why you would bolster eachother by discussing issues about not having kids or complaining about parents pressuring you. Of course I understand that this website is for people who are married and dont have kids. I joined it to discuss these issues, but it seems to me that maybe people would feel better if they did not worry so much about justifying their decisions. If you dont want kids then that is fine anyone who pressures you or questions you is prying into personal business. Also I may be defnsive because in your original post you said; 'Apparently, we've many childed and undecided people who visit/loiter/contribute to this forum." It seems to me this comment suggests you are not pleased with having undecided people on the forum, remember I dont have kids and I dont plan on having them. I may very well decide to live childfree. If you really are so childfree it seems to me that you would not be upset by undecided people contributing to the forum. Perhaps we want to learn more about a lifestyle we are considering. Perhaps you could support us in making decisons. Hower I apologize for "loitering" on your fourm. Also there are many topics besides kids that could be discussed on the forum" travel, relationships, what to do with the time not having kids affords you.

Also I must add that I hve been pressured a lot at work and by friends. I work with kids and must hear a hundred times a day that I would be a good mom. I just says "thanks" and move on. It is annoying. So I do know what it feels to be pressured. All i am suggesting is maybe there is a more postive way to deal with it

tubby3pug: There are alot of Childfree websites out there and maybe others can offer you a broader range of topics that you desire.

One that I frequent is:
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Thankyou for the list I will check out the sight you remecomend. I actually like this site. I like that it is positive i have seen most of these other sites and find them very negative. Although I like the site purple women. I just hope this site continues to be positive. I did not mean to be negative or harsh. I am sorry if fence sitters are not welcome but until I joined the sight I did not feel that this site was unwelcoming towards fence sitter. after all there is a section in the articles on fence sitters. I am not sure if this is the case now though as some people seem upset by fence sitters. I am not someone who is planning on having kids in a few years and enjoying some freedom, I am genuinely undecided. I am only 28 and feel to young to make the decision for sure, although I am sure that others my age can make the decision. I am using this sight to help me learn more about hte childfree community, a life style I am considering. I feel that some people here are welcoming and some are not, I do not want to appear judgemental I am just trying to think things through. Some people on this sight however seem to be a bit judgemental towards people who are fence sitters on the issue of children or who arent as vehemently childfree as they are. I dont really undertsnd this.

Your welcome. That is why I like the ivillage boards because they do have a section for fence sitters.

When frequenting boards, I try to get what is useful for me and leave the rest behind.

I do not understand why anyone allows people to have this power over anyone. Simply put if people violate our personal space by asking something that is a NUNYA that is what we should politely say. "I'm sorry, that is really none of your business." If they ask again or say oh I was just curious you just politely repeat, "I'm sorry, that is really none of your business."

Nobody owes anyone an explanation for any decision. The choice we make is one we live with and if we are comfortable living with our choice then it is obviously the right choice for us and that is all that matters.

I have a question...

and this may not apply to anyone here, or it may... I've just been reading everyone's posts, and alot of people say that they're being questioned about their lifestyle, whether it's to live a childfree life, or not. And it seems like people get offended or feel as if the question is being asked in a negative way. Isn't it possible that the question is just as valid as any other question?? Just because someone asks "why don't you want kids", or "why do you want kids" doesn't mean that that's being judgemental, it's a simple question - the type of question you ask to start a conversation or discussion or get to know someone. And yes, everyone has the right to not answer a question that is personal and that should be respected, but just because someone has asked the question doesn't mean that they are looking for an "explanation" in a judgemental way. It's a simple question.

My thoughts exactly. But I don't ask anyone about kids because I know it can be a sensitive topic. I don't mind being asked myself.

Maybe the reason many of us are so defensive is that VERY few people can ask those particular questions in a non-judgemental way. I certainly don't mind being asked by someone who is genuinely interested in the reasoning and thought processes behind our decision (my soon to be SIL was asking a few months ago). However, having the guy at work with 6 kids ask it in a sneering way and then make comments about our lifestyle/travels/etc. is very offensive. And unfortunately, he is more the norm than the exception (in my experience). I think that's probably the type of questioning most of us have encountered (with some exceptions). The first few times it's easy to be polite; when it becomes habitual, it wears on one's nerves and it's hard not to be judgemental back. Of course everyone is different and not everyone feels attacked by someone like my coworker, but I'll tell you, I got really sick of hearing his snide/jealous comments.

Tbunny! Yes! That is exactly what it is. A polite, small-talk, "Do you have kids?" isn't offensive. What is offensive is after saying no and being asked why not (which is rude in and of itself) and saying 'because we don't want them' are the subsequent questions/comments like, "You'll change your mind! I used to be just like you and thought I didn't want kids either! Who's going to take care of you when you're old? Don't you like babies? What does your husband think about that? Then why did you bother to get married? Don't you want your parents to have grandkids?" ad naseum.

THAT gets old, right quickly. Or, like the time a co-worker came in singing the praises of a kid-based live show he'd just seen and telling us we MUST go see it. I said, "Yeah, but the place'll be crawling with kids, that's not my idea of a good time." He looked at me and said, quite belligerantly, "Why do you hate kids?" I looked right back at him and said, "I don't hate kids, I just prefer to not spend my time around them."

I was, once again, branded the office pariah.

This is the kind of c rap most of us get on a regular basis. There are too many people who can't leave well enough alone. When I say, "We don't want kids," that's not a cue to ask more intrusive questions. And believe me, saying it's nunya doesn't work most of the time. Because 'none of your business' seems to work really well unless it about your reproductive status. Then it's everyone's business because, everyone knows that anyone with boobs just lurves to talk about babies and really, truly, deep down, wants one of her own. Maybe they think if they question enough they'll 'figure it out' and can 'cure us' or something. Whatever their motivation it's rude and annoying. It's not so much a case of letting them have power over us as it is getting pounded with the same tired BS questions over and over again by people who have no business asking such questions of anyone who isn't a close friend.