BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Let's turn the tables

tubby3pug
I agree with everything you said! It is silly.... and as I said before I think this was all because of a post gone bad. It was taken the wrong way.

I don't think fireandice's query is silly at all. It is a totally acceptable query and I've enjoyed the answers from the parents who have responded. I have gained a greater insight into the reasons why people decide to have children.

Lala: I don't think her question has anything to do with your posting in another thread at all.

It very well may not have to do with it, but that was one of my first thoughts.

I was the one who had questioned why someone did not want kids, and then this post started. Which is fine, I think the question itself is fine, I just thought that it may have been asked out of annoyance and that maybe my original post may have started that.

Dear, the site is called MARRIED NO KIDS. What would you suggest we discuss KNITTING? If the discussions don't meet your discriminating taste, there is a whole big world on the web and I'll sure it won't take too much effort to find a venue that more adequately meets your needs.

For the rest of us, it is refreshing to find a forum where like minds can express themselves freely regarding our frustrations, joys, hurts, pains and anger regarding choosing to live our lives child free.

Thank you to the parents who have so far contributed. Your answers are refreshing and honest.

tubby: I'm sorry you're so bewildered about why ever we would wish to discuss being childfree/children on a Married No Children forum. I just don't know what to tell you
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lala: I don't know which thread you're talking about hon, but if I have time I will find it. I was just starting a thread I felt deserved to be addressed.

Fire

This has become a little too confusing for me! LOL...

I had just finished pretty much the same conversation, except opposite, and then I saw this and I guess I was still really into what I was thinking before, and I totally thought that it was all the same thing.. which in a way it is because it's the same topic, but wrong person. Sorry for the confusion.

And now that I feel like an idiot...

Here's another perspective.

First, in all my 57 years, I have rarely been quizzed or criticized or even questioned much about my choice not to have children. I really don't understand why some people seem to feel they are being persecuted or whatever about it. Outside of the usual get-acquainted question of, "Do you have children?" I haven't been hassled in any way, shape or form about it except from my parents. My dad was puzzled but didn't question me. My mother was obnoxious, but that was her personality and we didn't get along anyway. I'm completely confused by the frequent statements from non-childed people in general that they are hassled about this, especially from those who have absolutely no business questioning such things. Amd I have never seen it happen in real life.

And for those who like to make unfounded, snap judgments, I have lived all over the country, have traveled to other countries and have associated with many, many kinds of people. I've been self-supporting since age 17, I have a post-graduate degree and a fairly successful career in a challenging industry. In other words, I haven't lived packed in cotton and protected from the world. Do not take this to mean I'm trying to lord it over anyone or get on a high horse or anything like that but to head off some of the snarkier types who like to judge those they don't know.

Second, while not having a problem conversing with childed people, sometimes I like to have conversations in which it is unlikely that children or parenting will arise. Over the past 3 years, I have searched the web and found that childfree people tend to be a bit obsessive about the whole children/no children issue (an issue that is blown up way out of proportion) and parenting and so on. Most parents I know talk less about children and things relating to children than the childfree.

In all the kvetching I've seen online, not one CFer has ever indicated they are actually doing anything about the situation that gives them so much grief. It appears that most CF would rather whine than actually do something about whatever irritates them. And many can't seem to accept the fact that life isn't fair, never will be fair, there will always be something you don't like but can't do anything about and they should get over it and get on with their self-proclaimed fabulous childfree lives.

Goodness gracious Haunted, you seem to have quite a bit of penned up anger and amnosity yourself.

I think it's great you've yet to experience having very personal choices placed under a microscope. And certainly not all childed people are so rude and thoughtless. In addition, you're right about life not being fair, but sometimes it helps to get your frustrations off your chest. Perhaps if more parents vented, there would be less parent/child murders in the world.

I would however, like to hear your ideas on how the CF can do something about whatever irritates them. Me, I don't obsess, but I do get pisse d off at certain occurances and like to vent on a board where others who've had similar experiences can relate. I also carry a little laminated card to show a host/hostess that reads: "Please, no children". I did this so I would avoid having to actually say the words in order that I may avoid hurting someones feelings. So, I do try to steer clear of potentially unpleasant situations while keeping others' feelings and rights in mind.

Fire

I find it rather judgmental of you, Haunted, to assume that just because you've been fortunate enough to not be harrassed about your choice that no one is. Just because it's never happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I worked with another CF woman, in her mid 40's and she and I BOTH were 'bingoed' on a regular basis at work. Everything from "You'll change your mind!" (infuriating!) to "How can you do that [not have kids] to your husband?" and a zillion things in between. This was at work, in a corporate setting with other presumably educated and intelligent adults. Then there were all the times someone would trot a baby out to pass around the office. Try saying, "no thanks" when offered it and you're instantly ostracized (if you're a woman).

That was just one single job. I won't even get started on the sh*t I get from my family and acquaintences.

You certainly seem to like to bemoan the 'whiny CF' (which I haven't found except on ASCF, which is a joke IMNSHO) but really, honey, read your own posts. How much hatred and anger do you have to keep insulting and looking down your figurative nose at the very people you claim to be a part of?

In case the obvious escapes you (and you seem intelligent, so I hold out hope) on a CF site discussing CF issues the subject of children are going to come up. The childed and non are at opposite ends of the spectrum. There's going to be a clash. Shocking, I know. But in reality, when we're hanging out with our CF friends, we don't talk about kids at all unless there's one screeching or otherwise being a nuissance. The truth is we don't want to discuss children, but it is very nice to have a place where we can discuss the issues that surround the CF and that frequently includes children and all that goes with.

What a brilliant idea! I may have to adopt it for my own. I've been known to respond, when asked smoking or non, "The no-kids section, please." It usually gets a chuckle and if they can accomodate us they do.

I like the card idea, it keeps it on the down low so you don't go peeving any sensitive types.