BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Having a child is a BIG responsiblity

I see what you mean, though it's hard to understand, sometimes, why people can't admit it, whether it's "don't want" or "can't handle."

I totally agree with bonsai. I havent totally decided agains having kids because I do get the ocassional baby pang and I really do like kids. I do think I could handle raising a child and honestly I think Id be a pretty good parent. I dont want to have a kid untill, or if, I feel a real desperate desire for one, not a fleeting might be nice pang. I can compare it to the way I feel about dogs, before I had dogs I wanted one desperately. I stopped people on the street I thought about dogs constantly. I had a desperate urge to have one, because I had such a stronge urge I was ready to have a dog and make all the sacrifices for it. I dont have that urge for a baby. I wont have a baby until I have that urge.

Having a child is definitely a huge responsibility! But it can also be very rewarding. I think that before someone has a child there are tons of things to consider, just as all of you have shared. I just find it interesting how some people seem to be against having children. As if it's the worst thing in the world or something. I can understand someone not wanting to have kids and that's perfectly fine. But some people make it seem like no one should ever have kids!

Commonecents: You said 'I told her better to regret it then regret messing up a child's life.'

What makes you think that you would mess up a child's life? I understand that there are soo many people in this world who have had kids, who probably shouldn't have and the one suffering the consequence is the child, but as long as you educate yourself, and prepare yourself mentally, physically, financially, etc then why not have kids?

It's so interesting to me how so many people just don't want kids, and the reason they don't want them is simply because it's too much responsibility. I guess I just don't really understand that.

Someone

That's not entirely true. For most of us the not being responsible for a kid is gravy, not the meat, and it absolutely does not mean that it's too much responsibility - too much of the wrong kind of responsibility, sure. I don't want kids because I don't like child-like behavior. Because I feel my calling lies elsewhere (animal rescue and education). Because I value MY free time. Because my life, as it stands now, is as close to perfect as I could have ever dreamed. Because I value my ability to pursue my interests and hobbies unhindered. Because of all those and a million other reasons my DH and I don't want kids. But not one of those reasons is because we don't want responsibility. You think your kids are work? Please. Try taking care of 13 different animals with varying personalities, dietary and rehabilitation needs. Let's not even get started on the special, tightly-controlled environmental set ups for the reptiles. Between individual dietary restrictions, mental/behavioral issues, 5 cats worth of dirty litter, 3 turtle environments and a snake enclosure that all need to be cleaned regularly I've got PLENTY of responsibility.

A common misconception among those who 'just don't understand' is that all CF are irresponsible, immature, laissez faire types. When in reality we work just as hard as any parent, some of us work harder and we've given more thought to having kids than 90% of the parents out there.

My aunt (with three adult, worthless, idiot children still sponging off of her), after hearing that my DH was scheduled for a vasectomy, said to me, "I just don't know why you'd want to do something like that!"

I replied, "That's ok, we know why."

I know that many people who don't want kids work just as hard if not harder than any parent. And people have reasons for not wanting kids that makes perfect sense, as you have described for yourself. I never implied that people who don't have kids don't work hard or don't want responsibility. I was talking about people I've heard say "I don't want kids because of the responsibility" That came from a few people I know who don't want kids. Now that's not saying that these people who don't want kids don't want or don't have any responsibility in their life, they just don't want the responsibility of caring for yet another person in their life etc. What I wasn't understanding is about some people who aren't career driven, etc and are so against having kids. People like yourself I understand. You are satisfied with your life the way it is. And that is awesome! I guess I wasn't clear on what I was trying to say.

And I never said that I thought my kids are work - in fact I never said that I have kids, because I don't.

Porche pangs! LOL! I get the occasional Mercedes pang. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yep. 8^)

By the way Go_Barbaro, I was happy to hear on NPR that Mr. Barbaro got his cast off the other day. Pretty cool.
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Elise

Wouldn't it be wonderful, given our current overpopulation issues, if *parenthood* started to be considered as more of a "calling", too? I.e., not the default choice, but rather an unusual choice which would only be made by people who'd truly thought it through, wanted it 100%, and were committed. I bet we'd have happier adults in general, less child abuse, and happier, smarter, better-adjusted kids, on the whole, than what we do now --- when every schlub who gets married (or not!) is subject to pressure (overt or covert) to "just do it".

Fearless, you do sound like a highly organized, very responsible person; I'm sure the critters are very grateful. But if a given CF person actually *is* laid-back and laissez-faire, I say, *great*...they've made the right choice for them, and have decided to take a pass on a job that definitely doesn't *need* doing: bringing another human being (particularly a Westerner) onto this crowded earth.

In terms of "turning the tables", as mentioned in another post: your response to your aunt is completely priceless, Fearless. Talk about putting the ball back in their court. Your aunt has some problems with boundaries, and boy, did you help her see where the line was!!! Kudos to you.

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Elise

That IS good news! Truly, GO Barbaro! I have much respect for his owners and vet team who have seen the value in his life apart from racing (and not just as a stud). May he continue to heal and live a long and happy life.

Organized! Hee! My husband? He'd probably die laughing if he heard that. I am not organized. I'm a decidedly unorganized artsy type. H ell, I'm even laid back <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There's nothing wrong with being laid back at all, I'm definitely a type B personality. What I meant was that many people who don't 'get it' assume or believe that we're all lazy schmucks who just want to get manicures and party all the time. My experience is that it's not true. Don't get me wrong, I like some pampering and hey, I'm up for a party on occasion, but I've got plenty to keep me occupied <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />[/quote]



Hahaha! Thanks. That tidbit of conversation happened after a lengthy evening of trying to justify our decision to her. I don't know why I bothered, I knew she wouldn't get it. She's also a pillhead so several months later, after DH had his vas, she asked me again when we were going to have a kid. I laughed and said, "Uh, never, we've had this conversation, remember?" She started in again with her, "oh you have to have at least one!" nonsense. I said, "Oh, please, I got him fixed to make sure it didn't happen!" She seems to think I'm an evil child abuser now or something. Whatever. Her whole family is a trainwreck. The stories I could tell...yikes.

In that same vein DH started a new job not too long ago and one of his coworkers asked if he had kids. He said no and, in fact, had gotten snipped. The co-worker apparently got very big eyes and said, "Does your wife know?"

I died laughing when he told me that because I was the one that goaded him into getting it done. He definitely doesn't want kids but figured no one would give him a vas at his age (28 at the time). We got lucky and found a urologist who didn't even blink when DH said we had no kids.