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Joined: Oct 2006
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Newbie
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Newbie
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 2 |
Wow! Thanks a million-and-a-half for taking the time to share a part of your world. I truly appreciate it!
I definitely have that part of me that reacts just as you're saying - wanting someone else's life to turn out better even though it's none of my business, so to speak. I think that's another part of my problem - they aren't my kids, so I don't really have a say so on what they do or don't do. Then again, if he really wants me to be a part of his life, I suppose he would want my input on his kids' approach to life in general...
Anyway, thanks a bunch for the 'book'! It's good to see I'm not the only one with a barrel of thoughts ;o)
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392
BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
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BellaOnline Editor Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 14,392 |
Hi. I never felt the urge to procreate and it's not been a problem for me. My husband also has no desire to have kids. I don't know how people find time for child-rearing, actually. I have the greatest respect for my friends with kids, but have to admit I don't understand the desire to have kids at all. It seems like a lot of work for little reward. Sometimes I wonder what I might be missing, but don't think I will rue my choice. We are 38 and 39, BTW, and love traveling and the outdoors.
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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I am a 26/f married to a 22/m who is in boot camp for the army. I just got my tubes tied because I don't want kids. He doesn't either. As a matter of fact, my older brother and sister are both fixed and have no kids. This is the first sight I have found that supports people like me and I am really excited about it actually. I can't wait to to read up on more of this topic. I just wish that there were more ways for me to interact with other kid free couples....
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570 |
I am a 26/f married to a 22/m who is in boot camp for the army. I just got my tubes tied because I don't want kids. He doesn't either. As a matter of fact, my older brother and sister are both fixed and have no kids. This is the first sight I have found that supports people like me and I am really excited about it actually. I can't wait to to read up on more of this topic. I just wish that there were more ways for me to interact with other kid free couples.... Welcome, Casey! Are you stateside? If so, check out Meetup.com and search for "childfree". I organize a CF meetup for central New England (central MA and southern NH). We get together monthly (singles and couples), EAT(!), play pool, go bowling, hike...goofy stuff. It's so much fun, and the one thing we can all count on is that we've got interesting stuff to talk about (getaways, hobbies, critters), not kids. If you're near a metro area, there may already be a Meetup going. If not, they'll give you a list of other Meetup members who are "interested" (they call it an "alert list"). In my case, there were *115* people in my area who were interested --- and starting the Meetup was very easy! We've got nearly 40 members now and only started in July '06. Cheers Elise in NH
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570 |
Hey TCJ,
My fiance is the step-father of a 24-year old whom he raised as his own daughter from the age of 4, when he married her mother (her bio-dad was a real dud who skipped town).
I had *traces* of the unsettled feeling you describe here when I first started dating him, and by that time his step-daughter was already 20! Further, my fiance is the step-father, not the true bio-dad, which makes me the...what?...step-mother-once-removed? In your case, you man is the actual bio-dad and you're looking at whether or not to become a bona fide step-mom to his three kids (you don't mention their ages).
It certainly shook my rock-solid "I won't have to deal with kids" POV when his step-daughter got pregnant last year and give birth last month. We were both deeply ambivalent about this child being born (his step-daughter dropped out of school, got a job serving shots at a bar, met a loser boyfriend, and *bam* --- pregnant --- without, seemingly, any thought about what would come next.
She gave up her newly-acquired, hard-won first apartment (after being there only a few months) and moved back in with her mother, Patsy; loser boyfriend came along, too. This all happened right around the time her mother was getting re-married. Patsy's new groom still hasn't figured out what's hit him; he didn't bargain for any of this, but he doesn't seem able to stand up for himself, either. He himself is the divorced dad of a 10 year old girl, who is with them on weekends.
I like Gina (the step-daughter) very much, but I was and am completely unwilling to even consider that she would impinge on our quiet home the way she did on her mother. It was only after Rob promised me that she would not be moving in here, no matter what, that I had some peace of mind. Gina, the loser boyfriend, and the baby (now almost two months old) are all living in *very* cramped quarters at Patsy's.
I have been unable to conceal from Rob the sheer disappointment I feel in Gina, who left college less than a year short of a degree in fashion mechandising (she'd wanted to be a buyer for a dept. store) to just cash in her chips this way. She seems to legitimately enjoy the baby --- so that's good. But her relationship with loser boyfriend is deteriorating, it seems. Honestly, I don't think he would have stuck around even as long as he has, except for the fact that the baby is a boy. Big-time macho thing going on with him.
Just what the world needs --- another fatherless little boy...Rob is disappointed by it, too. But he will step up and be there for the kid, as a grandfather. I just want to make sure that he is really only giving of his time and love, and not so much of his wallet...he had co-signed a loan with Gina on her car, and she's taken advantage of that by not making payments on time and not even telling him, putting his credit rating at risk. All of this followed on his getting raked over the coals by Patsy in divorce court (she was a credit-card spend-a-holic and really drained him, financially; he's a lot more careful with his money).
There's another "book" for ya!
Welcome to MNK,
Elise Hello all, An update on this situation... Gina's 9-week-old son Adrian (my fiance Rob's step-grandson, but in his heart really his grandson, as he raised Gina from the time she was 4) died in his sleep Thursday night. The coroner is involved, as is automatically triggered in these types of situations, but it was clearly SIDS. We'd seen him a few days before and he was fine; nobody would have suspected there was any problem whatsoever. His doc had seen no red flags at all, despite having seen him last week. The funeral is on Wednesday. Our wedding is on Saturday. We both feel like we've had the wind knocked right out of us. We're so sad that Gina lost this baby, as he was such a cutie and we know she enjoyed motherhood hugely. But we were also keenly aware of the huge extent to which she had "cashed in her chips" to have this child (see my other post re: this). Several of my braver, less-PC friends have said "Well, maybe, in the long term, this will be a blessing in that it will allow her to resume her previous life and goals". Intellectually, I agree with them. In my gut, though, I know that Gina had really invested herself in being a mom, even though it represented a complete abandonment of her former life as a college student and future career woman. I know she *should* be able to re-focus on her own future; if she does, I'll be thrilled. I just don't know that she *can*. She was one person for the first four years I knew her (age 20-24) and then *BAM* she changed into proto-mom. I don't understand it --- and at this point, I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will. Elise
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 296
Shark
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Shark
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 296 |
(((((hugs)))))
omg, that is so tragic. i have a friend whose 6-month-old daughter was lost to SIDS and a former student whose week-old daughter was lost to SIDS. the parents are never the same after this. it is something you never get over. somehow you learn to live life again, but there will always be a huge hole in their lives where their child should be. i hope you are able to give them the love and support they need right now. the absolute worst thing you can do is say, "at least....." i know you haven't, but if the urge comes, stifle it. loss is something that everyone experiences differently. she might look like she's okay later, but she's still going to be grieving inside. my friend told me that even though it's been 2 years since sophie passed away, she still thinks of her every day. and she is sad that it feels like others have forgotten she even existed. she does have a son, and people told her she's get pregnant again, but that's not what she wanted to hear. she wanted to hear, "i'm sorry. what can i do?" instead.
i know this puts you in a hard situation. with the wedding and all coming up, everyone will feel very awkward. i'm sure you'll handle it well though. you have a good head on your shoulders. i've read your posts often and you come across as an intelligent, caring woman.
wishing you all the best right now. hang in there and know you and your family and your fiance's family are all in my thoughts.
btw, there are support groups for parents who have lost babies to SIDS. perhaps in a few months, the mother will feel up to talking to some other parents who have been through this. it took my friend lisa a year or so to finally go to a group, and she's glad she went. my student and his wife started counseling a few months after their daughter's death. the loss of a child affects each person differently. many marriages cannot survive it because everyone grieves differently and sometimes they can't grieve together. maybe in a few months, mention a support group to her. but for now, just be there for her. don't forget her or the baby. (((hugs)))
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 570 |
(((((hugs)))))
othe absolute worst thing you can do is say, "at least....." i know you haven't, but if the urge comes, stifle it.
she wanted to hear, "i'm sorry. what can i do?" instead.
btw, there are support groups for parents who have lost babies to SIDS.
many marriages cannot survive it because everyone grieves differently and sometimes they can't grieve together. maybe in a few months, mention a support group to her. but for now, just be there for her. don't forget her or the baby. (((hugs))) Thanks so much, Holles. We've said "at least..." to each other (i.e., at least he likely didn't suffer; at least he died at 9 weeks, not 9 months, at which point his personality would have come to light; etc.), but not to her. We won't. Thank you for the reminder, though. I've sent info on support groups to Gina's mom and to her aunt (who's a nurse). But I found out that Gina's cousin's fiancee Nancy, the same age as Gina and just slightly shy of a master's of social work, has talked with her about support groups. Coming from a fellow 20-something, it's going to be received an awful lot better. In terms of marriages not being able to last...she and the baby's father weren't really hanging together even before this happened and never even discussed marriage. Despite the fact that his family is wonderful and very supportive, he seems to have missed that set of genes. I don't hold out a lot of hope for the two of them. In the long run, I think she'd be far better off without him, actually. It's fine if you decide to date "Mr. Right Now", but a far different thing if he becomes the father of your child. Rob (my fiance) and are doing OK. There have been a lot of tears yesterday and today --- it is so sad and nobody could have done a thing to help it. There's really just sadness. I'm sure the next few days will get gradually easier, particularly after the catharsis of the memorial service on Wednesday. We'r trying to keep the focus on Gina for now, and then on the wedding. The last-minute planning is actually not as annoying as it had been before --- it's almost a refuge from having to think about the helplessness and the sadness. The wedding is just another reminder that life is very rarely all happy or all sad. As a minister at a church I used to attend once said, "It's not either/or. It's both/and". Rob has been amazing in the past few days; as usual, he's done ten times for his step-daughter what my bio-dad ever did for me. What an amazing guy --- I knew it before and I know it even more now. Elise
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 197
Jellyfish
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Jellyfish
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 197 |
I just can imagine something as horrible as losing a baby to SIDS it must be agony. It may be the fear of something like that happening that makes me ambivalent to having kids. I know someone on this sight said that children werent capable of unconditional love, and I think that is probably true. I dont think human beings are really capabale of unconditional love, except I do feel that new moms hve unconditional love for their offspring. I dont know if its the hormones or what, but I really think its ture. It must be horrible for the young mom, I think the best thing you can do is tell her your there for her but not push her or offer her advice. Since she is young thoughtless people will probably offer her tons of advice. My aunt miscarried twins at 6 mo and they died after about two days. I remember when we saw her at Christmas one of my aunts in law, a very nasty woman, said: "Its not so bad, you an have another and its not like yo were very attatched." Even though I was a kid when this happened I knew it was the most insensitive thing I ever heard anyone say.
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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I went to Meetup.com but unfortunately, I live in a small town in Az. Eventually I will be moving to Ft. Huachuca where I have found that there are a few people interested in getting together. I can't wait. I could look at Vegas though... Thanks!
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 742
Gecko
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Gecko
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 742 |
Elise, there is nothing more sorrowful than a funeral for a child, regardless of age. Your family has my sympathy. That said, I think having your wedding a few days later is just a reminder that life does go on. And it will give everyone a reason to smile again, even if they wouldn't feel like it otherwise. You are right - life is never that black and white. It's usually somewhere in the middle and you just have to make the best of whatever's at hand. Good luck in getting through the week, and best wishes to you on your big day!
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