BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband wants kids

I'm in the same situation as the person who posted this forum and I feel pressure about waiting because this could negatively impact my husband. If I decide not to have children and our marriage ends because of it then I feel I have possibly already wasted 5 years of his life where he could have been finding a more compatable wife and started a family. If we further drag this situation out in hopes I change my mind but decide not to have kids then I wasted even more of his time and reduce his chances of finding someone and starting a family. I don't know how to decide either though.

Having a husband who wants kids when you don't want them or aren't sure is really an awful spot to be in. My sympathies go out to everyone in that situation.
My advice would be to go slowly. If you feel you CAN talk to your spouse a little bit... let them know that you are scared or confused or not sure... and try and talk through the pros and cons. Discuss how the two of you would divide up the responsibilities that come with the child - who will get up in the night, change diapers, drop off at the day care etc. Make SURE that he is willing to pull his weight (maybe even more than 50%) - get it in writing if you can - and let him know that you are going to expect him to participate fully in the WORK involved in having a child.
If you have the opportunity, I would definitely suggest borrowing a child for a week or a weekend. Do you have a niece or nephew, or close friend with children? Offer your services for a period of time (most parents jump at the chance to have some free time). No, it isn't the same thing as having a child of your own, but it will give you some feeling for what it would be like to have a child in the house full time. The experience might help you in your decision, or it might scare hubby out of wanting kids. (I know that having my nephew throw up in the back seat of my car definitely didn't encourage me to have children).
In my opinion, the female should have a slightly highter weight in the ultimate decision because she is the one who has to go through pregnancy and childbirth.
Oh, and let him know the negative impacts that childbirth and children will have on your sex life too! (There will be no time or energy for sex and childbirth stretches out a female's anatomy.) Is he willing to have less sex (and less pleasurable sex at that) in exchange for a child?
This is a HUGE decision that should NOT be rushed into. Get as much information as you can in advance. You can always change your mind and go ahead with having children, but once you have a child, you can't go back...
Best wishes.

The fact that as the prospect of children has grown more real and less abstract, you've grown less comfortable, is an indicator that these are feelings you must really examine. Please go see a counselor --- perhaps by yourself first. Also, be aware that there are quite a few counselors out there who simply will not be able to separate their own feelings on the subject from the ideal of being a "sounding board", and will join the list of those pressuring you, rather than helping you to clarify your own feelings (as a good counselor should do). Find a decent counselor first, and then invite him into the process.

Does he have any experience with children? Is he an uncle; do you hang out with friends' kids; etc.? Please keep in mind that one can have a wonderful effect on children's lives without becoming a parent (i.e., the Big Brother/Big Sister program). I was a Big Sister for years and would be happy to talk with you more about the BB/BS program.

Best to you,

Elise

I also encourage you to see a counselor, but would suggest getting a recommendation through an agency or board. Some employee programs offer referral services, or your medical dr. might be able to recommend someone. I've always trusted female doctors more myself, but I think this might be one area where men could be more objective.

A few years ago, I sought counseling to sort through some feelings when a coworker was pregnant (it brought up all sorts of issues), but the (female) counselor twisted my words, saying that DH was denying me the right to fulfill something I desired and basically encouraged me to "oops" him into having kids! Needless to say, I didn't go back after that. I was mortified that she would suggest that, and it just made me more confused. Eventually DH and I worked through it on our own, esp. when we considered all the other ways we can "parent" without birthing (such as adoption, fostering, BB/BS, mentoring, etc).

Great suggestions here but I really love the idea of borrowing a kid for a week or TWO. Rent ones of all different ages and both sexes if you can. Girls and boys are entirely different.

Perhaps if I share my story with you, it will inspire you to continue following your heart. I married young - 20 - , two years later my husband (my first true love) decided he'd changed his mind and wanted kids after all. Unlike you, I made it very clear from the beginning NO KIDS! After months of pressure, turmoil, tears, heartache and degradation he divorced me. It almost broke me but I absolutely refused to give in. I felt as though I were reliving those days again as I read your plea. I offer you this: I thank God I'm a strong as h ell woman who stands by her gut feelings. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I am now very, very happily married to a man who doesn't want kids and we are estatic in our kid-free world. We have an English Mastiff that is our baby, she is everything to us and our schedules revolve around her needs.

Which quickly brings me to another point. When people see Belle (our English Mastiff), they all of a sudden want one. I do everything in my power to discourage them! OEM's (Old English Mastiffs) are huge and require lots of money to keep them properly vetted, they are NOT outdoor dogs, shed year 'round, slobber incessently, insist on all your attention, need to eat 2-3 times per day and use the bathroom as often as a full-sized adult. They knock stuff down with their tails all the time, slobber all over your TV set and stand right in front of it while you're watching your favorite show. They step on your bare feet with their monster toe nails and don't even know it, leaving you with a nicely sliced-up toe, are extremely sensitive to yelling and you can never, EVER hit your OEM. And I've only scratched the surface. Only about 5% of the population can truly own a OEM and give them what they deserve. Same with kids, most of the population aren't TRULY prepared to tackle the responsibilities of owning a kid ;-).

Do your homework, research all the NEGATIVE things having a kid would impose on your current lives and present them to him. Not one person who I've laid out the truth to about owning OEM's has attained one. I haven't lied or stretched the truth in the least. But you must be willing to accept and take full responsibilty for all the b.s. as well as the good times.

It's wonderful to come in our home in December and see the stockings hung, a fire going in the wood stove and a 150 pound Mastiff snoring in front of it and my husband and I snuggled up in blankets having a glass of red wine. But a lot of work goes into the whole scenario, and there are many, many more hard times and work then there are Kodak moments.

Good luck hon, let us know how things progress and we're here for you.
((((Fire))))

Honestly, if I would've borrowed someone else's kids for a week I would never have kids. Just watching other kids and their bad havior is a bit of a turn off. Because what's missing is love. That's like living with someone else's husband for a week. It's just not the same because you don't love this person. Sure disgusting behavior is disgusting - like say farting or something, but with your own husband you deal with it. And if say someone else's husband had the flu I wouldn't be inclined to nurse them back to health with my chicken soup, but for my own husband I'd take care of him. Just like with kids. If their poop stinks - it stinks- no sugar coating that, but you love them and you move pass it. And you love them and you take care of them even though some of the things you've got to do as a parent is less than desirable. But if it's someone else's kid - I'd run.
Love, to me, is a huge factor.
I do agree, you should know ALL the cons of having kids. And there are LOTs of them!
I remember when I was young and thought why would I ever get married? It seemed like prison. You'd lose your freedom and you'd have to live with someone and their bad habits. I thought NO WAY! And then I fell in love. Sure I went into marriage knowing all the things that could go wrong, but thought about all the things that were good as well. Love isn't really enough to keep a marriage going, but it sure does help. There are many differences between marriage and children, of course, like you can always divorce your spouse etc.. But I just wanted to make a comparision of why someone's else kids really doesn't work. And I know just because you give birth doesn't mean you're going to fall in love with your kids either. There are plenty of unwanted, unloved kids out there. It's a huge fairy-tale to think that kids and marriage is for everyone. I'd say for me, I didn't "love" my kids right off the bat. I gave birth and just stared at them like NOW WHAT? But then luckily for me it did finally happen. And it was a wonderful thing. I've had the opportunity now to fall in love a few times in my life with another human being and for me it has been a great experience.
But if you KNOW it's not for you then you should DEFINITELY stick to your true feelings. DON'T have KIDS. Don't cave into the pressure - because of your husband or society. It's a personal decision and one that only you can make. I know I wrestled with my fears of children for a long time before having them. It's hard.
I wish you the best in making your decision.

Ummmm...I guess I'm a little perlexed here. I don't know why you would insinuate that no love is involved. That has nothing to do with objectivity of incidents and situations anyway.

I love my nieces and nephews unequivically and would certainly give my life for theirs. But having them over during summer vacations just reinforces my natural instinct that kids are life sucking leaches who offer no guarantee of the return of all your love and investment in them. They don't know any better but to be just that, they're kids, kids are greedy and selfish. They have to be taught that the world doesn't revolve around them. My nieces and nephews BEG to stay with us over the summer. I don't know why, we have strict rules and regulations, bed times and the like. Hmmmm...could it possibly be that children crave structure and guidance? But h ell, what do I know? :-)

My dog, no matter how bad of a mood I'm in or snappy I might get, will ALWAYS love me until her dying day, unconditionally and without hesitation. Dogs don't hold gudges and you can't buy their love.

I find nothing hard about what I feel inside. You just have to learn to not care what others think. I have been in precisely this situation, and it SUC KS let me tell you. But it WILL get better, so long as you do what you KNOW inside is what is best for you. I thought I'd never find love again as my first husband was my first true love. I thought I would die. But I did find love, better then before and stronger. Stick to your guns honey, don't break no matter how hard the wind blows. You're more then welcome to PM me for support and ideas on how I dealt with what you're going through 14 years ago!

Fire

Well, when you used the words "borrow" or "rent" it just made me think there was a unfamiliarity there - thus no love. But if you have kids in your life that you do love and can hang out with than perhaps that would be a better gauge of whether you'd want kids of your own or not.

I just wanted to say that it didn't turn out to be a good litmus test for me at all. I didn't borrow kids for a week before having them, but I'd say we tried hanging out with some friend's kids and couldn't stand more than a few hours - never mind a week. And now I see why it's so different. And for me the difference was HUGE. It just wasn't a little bit it was big. Before I could be more objective when observing other kids. And now although I try hard to be objective I know I can't possibly be TOTALLY objective because I love them so much. I know I'm now biased, but it does help through the tough times. Kinda like when a they don't want a surgeon to operate on a family member kind of thing. They may be the best surgeon out there, but it not advisable that they do the surgery because they cannot be completely 100% objective. So as a parent I don't believe I could ever be 100% objective like I was with other people's kids. I think I'm more like 90%.
I just wanted the OP to know that in my experience hanging out with other people's kids was not as good of a test as I once had thought.

HI there. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

I like the idea of not thinking or talking about it for awhile - 6 months to a year. And then seriously sit down and talk about it.

But I also am wondering what your reason is for possibly not wanting kids? Just a thought - maybe you're not very clear with yourself on that, and that may make it confusing. Is it because you don't think you'll be a good parent? Do you not get along with kids? Or are you simply just happy enough with just your husband? People have many reasons for wanting/not wanting kids, but I would think that maybe if you don't really know your reasons, then you could be just THINKING you dont want kids?! Hope that made sense


I hope you are able to figure this out, so you can be happy again <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good luck to you!

HI there. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

I like the idea of not thinking or talking about it for awhile - 6 months to a year. And then seriously sit down and talk about it.

But I also am wondering what your reason is for possibly not wanting kids? Just a thought - maybe you're not very clear with yourself on that, and that may make it confusing. Is it because you don't think you'll be a good parent? Do you not get along with kids? Or are you simply just happy enough with just your husband? People have many reasons for wanting/not wanting kids, but I would think that maybe if you don't really know your reasons, then you could be just THINKING you dont want kids?! Hope that made sense


I hope you are able to figure this out, so you can be happy again Good luck to you! And remember, you are only 29! you have plenty of time <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />