BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids .

.

No worries, Jett. Our situation is probably pretty out of the ordinary. It is funny, though, that we have to remind ourselves that he IS technically an adult, because his behavior is so immature. And there have been plenty of times I have resented our involvement because I think his mother should be taking responsibility for him. To give her some credit, she tried and failed, in part because of her parenting style and in part because of his personality. But I don't understand the "tough love" of letting your child be homeless and letting another of your children take on that responsibility.

Sorry, I'm venting. I just don't have many places I can express this stuff (beyond my poor mom who has to be sick of hearing it by now). <img src="/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

His mom is involved minimally at this point. Oh, she offers but it's not sincere. Like with buying the house. She'd "like to help" but of course she "can't right now." Financially, whether that's true or not is debatable, but she never offered to help get the house ready, or help move him or do anything else related.

And we've hired a cleaning lady (one of my requirements because he will live in filth if left on his own), which she and an uncle offered to pay for. It's like $100/month. Well, the uncle sent a check....

And then we're trying to figure out the public transportation in his town (very limited). Instead of calling, she wrote a list of phone numbers for him to call. Well of course he lost the list before he called any of them. Plus there are social services we think he should be eligible for, but we're clueless as to where to start to find out about them. She's a FREAKIN SOCIAL WORKER (with a Masters in private practice) and worked as a case worker IN HIS TOWN for several years, but has never offered any suggestions about who/where/what agency to start with! We feel like we're chasing our tails and she's washed her hands of it! <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for answering all of the questions, it's brought alot of clarity...

When you initially got together, you already knew he was part of a "package deal". 4 years together is a long time and you seem to have the rules set out very well in that he's their disciplinarian and their caregiver and he doesn't have expectations of you to cook for them, entertain them, support them financially, etc. Also, the children do not look at you as their mother figure, which is excellent. They clearly know who thier mother is and is not, that should take a huge weight off of your shoulders. You also said that you love playing with the neighborhood kids and are a great aunt, etc. so I would suggest to think of his kids as "neices or nephews" or "the neighborhood kids" when they come over. You have to make the most of their visits or you'll become resentful towards your partner. They are only once or twice a month and a few other times per year. If you don't want to see them twice a month, then schedule a weekend away with your girlfriends or plan other day events during the weekends they are with him. That will cut down on the time you have with them.

Also, I'm wondering how old you are. If you love him as much as you say you do then I would stay with him. If you're considering ending the relationship and you're already in your 30's it's going to be very difficult to find someone else who does not already have kids. If you're still in your 20's, you might get lucky but there's no guarantees.

Freespirit, to me, powerlessness is the worst feeling in the world. I think that's why we felt we had to do something, even if it doesn't work out. At least we will have tried to the best of our ability.

I'll have to look into the community center idea. I'm not sure what is available in his area. It tends to be a pretty backward area in some regards. It helps a lot that they have another brother who lives in the area, so part of our agreement with the house is that he will be doing some of the maintenance, yard work, etc. DH and brother M. have really teamed up to take care of brother J. They also have two sisters - one local, one in TX. We also get moral support from most everyone in the extended family, and those in town are willing to step in when we need them to.

I wish you well with your family member, too. It can be so hard, esp. when they have no desire to hear what you are trying to say. I don't know what we'd be doing if J. didn't respect and listen to DH. We'd probably have given up long ago.

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Things that my SO & I have instituted so far:
- He is responsible for all arrangements
- He is responsible for meals, tuck-ins, laundry, whip-cracking (figurative, not literal)
- I am an optional participant to all activities
- I am treated with authority and respect
- We have no delusions of step-mommy-ness... when the kids talk about me, it's in the context of "My Mommy is at home, That's My Daddy, and That's My [JettGirl]"...I have my own category!!

Not to sound negative, but I wonder how well this will work out. First of all, because these kids will figure out you're not very involved, and will figure out it's because you don't want to be, and then they'll be wondering "why [JettGirl] doesn't like us" their whole lives. Second, is there a chance that at some point, you will have to be the babysitter sometimes, because of some reason he needs to be away (say, work or something)? Or if you see them doing something they shouldn't and he's elsewhere, would you really not step in? Third, I think people will probably ASSUME you're involved and treat you as if you're in a parental role--that is, ask you for your permission for the kids to do stuff, ask you to be in a disciplinary role, etc.; how will you handle that? Fourth, is there any chance his ex might decide she doesn't want custody anymore in future?

The gist of all this is that I think that being in proximity with these kids is going to make it quite hard for you not to assume parental responsibilities of some sort. Although, if you've been living with him for three years, I guess you're probably familiar with what it's like and can live with it as it stands?

[color:"orange"] So true. [/color]

Katja: All that s hit goes right out the window once you say "I do", trust me! If you think for one nanu-second all those things you've 'instituted so far' are going to be set in stone, you've got a rude awakening. I would put it in writing and have him sign it with a notary present if you were to decided to stay with him.
You're not being negative and neither am I. It's called cold hard honesty. Sticking your head in the sand never gets you anywhere, how can you possibly make an educated decision without having explored all the potential avenues? I hate sugar-coated answers. Give me the naked truth so I can pick my poison lol!
And don't let anyone throw a wet towel on you, there ARE good men out there without kids. You may wait longer and have to be more patient, but don't settle for one second. I will add this: IF you were to fall in love with someone that had A kid who was an adult living on their own and SUPPORTING THEMSELVES and lived in another state or either two or more hours away, that may be acceptable. Little ones? ie in college and below or 24 years old and still 'on the nipple'; forget about it.
Let us know what you decide hon, good luck.

Fire