BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Any suggestions?

I appreciate all of your input. And in this day in age it is so easy to just say "get divorced". I would like to think we can work through these problems. I want to salvage the marriage not just give up. I love him with all of my heart and it would tear me apart to just pack my bags and leave. Last night I slept in the other room and this morning the alarms were going off like crazy so i went in and nudged him and said "are you going to get up?" He was grumpy still and didn't say much to me and left for work. I just want him to realize what i do for him and respect me not only for that but for the simple fact that i am his wife.

Much as I can sympathise with your sentimnt on wishing to try to salvage/work on this - I'm afraid I have to add my voice to the chorus of those advising getting out whilst you can.

After all, if the rats were deserting a sinking ship - maybe they had a point.....?

You really do have to measure your own value in this. He is abdicating every ounce of responsibility for his shortcomings and faillings onto you, and abusing you for it into the bargain. If he carries on like this - and you give him the permission to do so (which you are doing, by the way,by simply enduring it all) - your self-esteem will hit rock-bottom and keep digging. I'm afraid to say you really DO need to tell him enough is enough.
Oh, and by the way....After you leave, and he starts whining and weeping, and promising to change, and telling you how dreadful he is and how bad he feels for what he's done - turn a deaf ear. Because sure as eggs is eggs, you go back, and he will have you right where he wants you.Dangling from his litte rubber string.....

Well, there's respect in giving it all you can. And I appreciate that. So ask yourself, what you are willing to tolerate, what is your value and place in this marriage and set your limits and boundries. A wise woman once said to me that people will treat you how ever you let them treat you. If you start out like this you will end up like this. Be firm, set your boundries and let him know what you are willing to put up with. Love and self value can be two different things, I hope for yoursake with all your efforts you will come out of this with both.

I agree with Bastcat and Alexandra and I'll go one step further in what Bastcat said about a wise woman.

In college I was in a class where a woman was being picked on by her boyfriend.She asked the advice of the professor. Our prof. took her aside and said,
"If a person steps on my foot one day and doesn't say 'I'm sorry,' perhaps he is an idiot . But if a person does this day after day, and I don't tell him, 'stop!' then I'm an idiot."

"Nuff said? Love or no love, you need to stop letting him 'step on your foot.'

I really admire the fact that you want to fight for your marriage and not bale out at the first hurdle. But i think that this isn't so much a hurdle as a pattern of living, and those are so hard to change. You know how dr phil says you teach people how to treat you? Well, perhaps your husband feels that he can treat you this way and call you names because he's gotten away with it for the longest time already. He's got you believing that you're the only one who's got to change for the marriage to work.
Please think about yourself before you decide what to do; nobody else in this family is considering your feelings so it's up to you to do it.
Good luck to you, i really hope you can find happiness whether it's with your husband, on your own, or with somebody else.

Tired2ndwife, how are you doing?

I am doing better. I have figured out a way to calm myself down before it becomes a knock down drag out name calling fight. I just agree with what he says and the i leave the room and go and write my feelings down in my journal. As for getting him up in the morning we slept in seperate beds for 3 nights in a row and i think it made him realize that i might be a little bit important enough to do things on for himself. He didn't like sleeping by himself and to be honest i hated it too. I just try to find things to relax me instead of just getting mad and saying things that i might regret. It is just going to take some adjusting. <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

Oh, good for you. I don't think people realize sometimes that different people have different ways of arguing. I'm like you, I need to cool off before I get nasty--which means I need space. My ex on the other hand...yep...ex...wouldn't follow me around, litterally chasing me so that he'd get 3 inches from my face. I'm a petite thing, but oh, wrong move, wrong move. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I think you're saying, love is like a rose in winter, only the strong survive is fitting right now. take care.

First let me say that I have been married for 25 years.

My marriage was very similar to yours (without the name calling) it took my moving out to wake my husband up that I was no longer going to accept being the emotional punching bag for him each time he was having a bad day.

I am not advocating divorce, what I am advocating is finding a safe place to go for awhile while you work on finding your voice and place in this marriage.

As I read your words over and over, I come off with the feeling that your husband is not really grown up yet, and is incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions. It often takes tough love to deal with people who are in this boat, but most are trainable so hang in there

When do men grow up though? My husband has it in his head that he is one of the most smartest people I know and it drives me insaine (sp?) He told me the other day that that should make me feel good to know that I have a husband as smart as him. He is so afraid of being wrong he will argue with me until I finally give up and have no energy left to argue....I just don't understand. Last night he started asking me about one of my past boyfriends that I haven't seen or heard from in about 6 years. I told him that I don't feel comfortable talking about it and he can't understand that. He says I know everything there is to know about his ex-wife. His ex-wife is still in his life because he has kids with her. Why should my old boyfriend have to be brought up? That is in the past and I don't have any connection or even feelings for him at that.aaaaggggg i just don't get it.