BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Who suffers more?

In India we have a saying that goes like this-

When you have no money,
Where will you find relatives or friends?
they will all disapper.

Adi Shankaracharya.

I think it really depends on who wanted the divorce, and for what reasons the divorce occured.

In my case- my ex wanted to be with someone else, and she was already there waiting for him, while I went back home to my family broken-hearted with my two children. So I would say I hurt more.

But I had a male friend whose wife just decided she didn't want to be married anymore. He was absolutely in love with her - and her announcement came as a complete shock! Luckily there were no children involved. He was definitely more hurt than she was, and it took him years to be able to trust anyone again, whereas she just jumped back into the dating scene.

My brother and his ex seemed to go through this back and forth phase where one would want to reconcile, then the other would. They finally divorced. She quickly found someone else, and it still hurts him to this day. I'm not sure he would have gotten back together with her, but it kills him to see her with someone else. I'm not sure who hurt worse there to begin with- but he is now.

Divorce is just not a happy thing. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I took several college courses in women/gender studies. There are a lot of studies that show women with children (after divorce) fare poorer economically than their ex; have fewer resources to go around; feel more stress; have fewer employment options (if you've got the kids, its a lot harder to just pick up and move to a new job); and a bunch of other things.

In that case.... Why pose the question?
Suffering is merely a state of Being, not a state of Mind. It's all objective, really. You only 'Suffer' if you permit yourself to do so.

Let me try to tell you about what I call suffering.

Some years ago, I used to run a cancer website for small kids. I remeber two cases. One was of a father who had lost his one year son to luekemia at St. Judes. He had sent me a photograph. Before the first anniversary of his son's death
he wrote a heart felt letter to me asking me to request all my readers to pray for him and his wife. Because with the approaching anniversary, they were not able to bear the pain of the loss.

Another case was of a kid- Amanda Ellis. She was about two years old then. This kid developed second degree burns as a reaction to some medication for her leukemia. She was a sweet looking kid. Whenever I used to correspond with her mother, I could feel the pain the family must be undergoing.

I am no spiritual person in the sense you talk about. For me suffering may be- loss of a loved one, going empty stomach, dying without medicines, having no home to live, being prosecuted for no fault, emotional torture and so on. My post was in terms of these kinds of sufferings.

More on suffering-

Recently in India, a five year child fell down a pit that was 60 feet deep. The child was alone in the pit for 50 hours till the army took him out after digging a well next to the pit and making a tunnel. The television was beaming live images of the child all the time. What we saw on the child's face was suffering. What his parents underwent during that period was suffering.

Somebody might have taken an attitude that since according to Indian philosophy, the soul is impreishable, why worry? Even if the child dies , he will be born again. But the parents and the child were beyond all that. They only suffered in the agony. The pit that was full of cockroches and insetcs was a hell hole for a 5 year old child, who performed his body functions in the same hole for 2 days. This is the kind of suffering, I referred to in my post.

I have seen face of a woman in the morning after she was raped by her husband eight times during one single night. What I saw on her face was suffering.

NOW you have defined suffering. NOW, you have illustrated the extreme.... so the 'suffering' felt by a person whose husband has left her for another woman, is less suffering than that felt by the raped wife?

Whilst we go through an experience, then it touches us, and we respond according to our own felt measure of the suffering.
Afterwards, if we continue to carry the pain needlessly, harbouring the resentment, regret, hurt or pain, then the sufffering may be said to be self-imposed.
The suffering of the parents of this child, turned to joy and relief once the child was rescued.
The woman who was raped by her husband.... This is a suffering far more difficult to negotiate and come to terms with. But I too know a woman who was subjected to unspeakable violence for many years at the hands of her husband.
She is now a calm serene Island of peace, and counsels other women in similar situations. She has taken her suffering and turned it round into a positive anchor with which to help, guide and relieve others.

"That the Bird of Suffering circle around your shoulders and head, you cannot change;
That it build it's nest of suffering in your hair - this you CAN prevent."

Suffering is a variable concept. It is immeasurable and incomparable.
But how one channels the effects is the telling factor.

A man may be in great love with his kids. Women invariably get the custoy of children after divorce. What use is life without kids for such a man. So he also suffers very much.

Does this happen?

After divorce, both the partners feel that they could have avoided it, if they had better communication and understanding. and both also feel that though they tried their best, they could not save the marriage? It boils down to helplessness?