BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Oh, it just sneaks right up on me....

Thanks!

Oh, Coffee! I am so sorry!

I know what you mean about daddy's little girl. I was the only girl and the 'baby' of the children, too, so I was definitely a daddy's girl and still was when he died, and I was 32. I still say I am daddy's little girl.

Today is/was my dad's birthday. He would've been 73 today, and I turn 33 on Monday. I have found this month to be extremely difficult, actually one of the hardest since my brother dying in February. I can only imagine what the one-year anniversary month will bring. I feel the knot in my stomach starting to tighten when I think about it. It's only 2 months away now...

My oldest daughter will be starting school on Thursday, the 31st, and while I am so happy and excited for her, I am kind of sad too, not only because one of my babies is now entering school and a new life of sorts, but also because I know how much my dad loved these girls and the only thing he kept wanting to live through the cancer for was to "see these girls as teenagers and see what they are like" (his words). So I know that if he were here physically, he would be standing right here with me, bright and early Thursday morning, and helping me put my baby on the bus, and probably shedding a few tears right along with me.

I'm sure he'll still be right there, standing with you. I truly believe my dad has become my guardian angel. I know my sister has a hard time now with her youngest being born after my dad passed on. I even get a little upset knowing he never met my most recent adopted pup. He joked that he and my mom should have gotten dogs (cocker spaniels, specifically) instead of kids all the time. I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother also. You must have an amazing source of strength.

My hardest time of year is father's day, even though he passed on right before Christmas. Turning on the television in June is sometimes unbearable with all the commercials.

I don't know if this will help, but I read a book called No Death, No Fear, by a Buddhist monk and it helped me to see I am my ancestors, blood and spiritual, they are part of me. In my mind, my eyes are now their eyes, they view life through me, so I try to live a full and happy life. Try being the operative word. But it does help me when I start sliding down the dark slope of sadness and depression.

What a wonderful notion.
Thanks for sharing this, I have often felt this but have been unable to put it into words in this way. I am going to have to look for that book.
Corinne

Jen,

I have been thinking about you a ton. How are you doing? I send you strength and peace... you've got a lot on your plate.

With love,
Corinne

In case you are wondering, the author is Thich Nhat Hanh.

That is a wonderful notion, I agree! Definitely going to order that book as I think at this time in my grief process, I need a book like that.

I have wondered lately if my dad is now my guardian angel? I don't know, but I sure hope so. I agree - Father's Day was extremely difficult for me, too. I just didn't know what to do without a dad and it was always a special day. As far as strength - I don't know where it came from or coming from still...lol. I really didn't think I would survive and so I have surprised myself, actually.

Corinne - thanks for asking and sending good thoughts. I am doing better than I was the other day. I think this month and the special days (because youngest daughter's bday was on the 2nd, then dad's and then mine) was just too much. I was so "weepy" this month.

My oldest daugher asked me yesterday, will I have her a surprise party on her bday this year. Well, I got nauseous just thinking about it because dad died on her birthday. I don't want to shortchange my daughter, but I also don't want to ignore the fact that that was the day he died. *sigh* I couldn't make her any promises because I don't know what I will be like that day - I really don't. I mean she always has a party anyway, and I guess it's not a big thing to ask, so I may try it or let my husband deal with the details and I will just "show up." I don't know.

I think one of the hardest things I am dealing with now is the fact that funny things will happen and I think, "Dad would really get a kick out of that," but then I can't tell him. That's really hard, much harder than I ever imagined.

Thank you all for your support and just "listening." It helps me so much!!

Dearest Jennifer, I really feel for you, because I know how awful this whole matter must be for you to face, but.....
Your daughter deserves as much love, consideration and attention as your dad did - and does.
It wasn't her fault he died on her birthay. This fact will remain for as long as she lives, and it can't be permitted to colour her day.... My grandmother died on Christmas day. Needless to say, I know she'd go bandanadooly if she thought for one moment that our celebrations were subdued or somehow altered by this coincidence.
If you think about it, countless thousands of other people probably died on this day. And countless others were born. What a dynamic exchange of Energy!


You can't abdicate responsibility for this onto someone else, because each year will just get tougher,not better. And if you distance yourself from your daughter's day of Joy - it is, after all, a celebration of the day she joined the world to live amongst you - how might that make her feel? And just what would your dad have to say about that?
It might be worth using the day to privately celebrate his life too... She came in, he went out. But both lives have affected you deeply, and enriched your own existence. How great is that - ?!?


Why not - just for an instant, just for a mlli-second - indulge yourself in the fact that he's perfectly aware of what fun everyone is having?
Enviage him, somewhere wonderful, observing all of you, and enjoying your happiness, just for the sheer sake of having fun!



And pardon me for butting my nose in.

I'll shut the yap now.....

JenM, maybe you could incorporate small things about your dad into the day. Maybe offer up his favorite ice cream for dessert, or slip on one of his favorite songs. Share the positive memories of your dad with the joy of your daughter. A kind of linking generations. they don't have to be big, just simple things to help you incorporate him into the celebration. A reminder that he made her life possible by making your life possible. I think I'm getting a bit philosophical here. I'll stop now.

Last note: I do agree with Alexandra othat it will get tougher if you just hand off to your hubby.

Have the best party ever for your daughter. This is a very special day, in more ways than one. Celebrate the love.

We have a birthday party every year for our daughter. Because she died on her way back home, where we were waiting with cake, presents, etc. We never got to have the party that night. So we have one for her every year, and her friends come, and our friends and families, and we all have a wonderful time. It is not a sad occasion, we have a positive happy time. However, about September each year I start getting bummed out and sad, because she died at the end of Autumn. It is a mental thing I cannot shake. But once her bday arrives, we do our ritual; mass, go to the cemetery with a balloon and bday greetings, release a balloon at the time of her birth, lunch at the restaurant we lunched at that last day, 4 years ago. Then home to get ready for the party. Then the party. We do it because we love each other, and for support. We all need love and support.
Perhaps if you continue to do some of the things you and your Dad enjoyed, it might help you.