BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage How do you get what you need from a relationship?

I'm confused and depressed -- have been for a really long time -- so bear with me. This story is long, but I'm going to severely edit myself to keep from boring everyone to tears.

I've been with my boyfriend for 13 years, except for a breakup in 2002, which lasted about 8 months. When I met him, I was divorced, had come out of a really bad dating relationship a few months prior, and was finally comfortable with the idea of being alone and playing the field. We dated each other for about 5 months before I stopped seeing other guys; that happened simply because I didn't want to be around anyone else anymore. I was really falling for him.

I've always been completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Always thought that he's the most beautiful, intelligent man I've ever laid eyes on, and that what few faults he has are negligible, if not cute (I know, you're all rolling your eyes here, but it's true).

When we split up in 2002, it was because an issue that had been bubbling up for some time finally came to a head. The short version: He was uncomfortable saying "I love you," or demonstrating affection. I had told him how important this was to me, and did everything but beg him to be more demonstrative. This made him angry (he feels that he has his own ways of showing me love, and that I should accept them and let that be enough), and he withdrew even more, becoming very cold around me. I finally told him I felt it was time for me to leave.

This completely threw him, and he tried to get me to stay, but my mind was made up. This wasn't a bluff on my part. It took A LOT for me to reach this decision, and emotionally, there was no turning back.

I left, and started seeing someone else. I have to admit that it was someone I'd had my eye on, but that's my pattern, I suppose (fear of being alone, so I make sure there's at least one viable option for me out there before I take the leap). Anyway, I didn't intend for it to get serious, but it did, for two reasons:
1) I was in complete emotional turmoil, and hurting so deeply over the breakup but not fully realizing how hurt I was. At the time, I felt like I had been grieving the loss of the relationship for a really long time already, and that the worst was over. I couldn't have been more wrong.
2) The guy I started seeing was dealing with hurt of his own. I knew he had divorced a couple of years prior, but I didn't know how much he was still hurting over it.

Anyway, this guy was wonderful -- sweet, demonstrative, romantic, smart, funny. We had a lot more in common than my boyfriend and I ever have, particulary in terms of sense of humor, way of seeing the world, and in our upbringing. But he also had, in my mind, faults that were pretty big. Things that annoyed me, anyway. In some ways, he reminded me of my first husband, and that scared me.

Lots of drama and heartbreak over that 8-month period. In the end, I got back together with my boyfriend because I had this amazing epiphany about myself:
I realized that it's more essential for me to love someone completely and not get 100% of everything I need, than it is for me to be completely adored by someone, but not be able to return those feelings.

But that wasn't the only reason I fell back in love with him. He really changed for me -- went to see a counselor (that's a huge thing for him to have done), realized the importance of telling me he loves me, and showing it more. And the biggest gesture of all: He said he wanted to marry me.

We had never planned on marriage, but through this ordeal I discovered that it was really something I wanted. I told him this before we reconciled. When we got back together, we went shopping for rings. I bought the dress, the shoes, the handbag -- had everything ready and waiting for us to decide to jet off somewhere on a moment's notice for a quiet, private little ceremony and a killer honeymoon.

That was more than three years ago.

There's a silk dress hanging in my closet, yellowing. I doubt the freaking thing even fits me anymore, as I've become such a food addict that I've gained several pounds and hate the way I look (that's a topic for another forum!).

At first, he wanted to put off getting married until I was in a better place emotionally. I had just been laid off, and my confidence was in the toilet, so I agreed with him. It took me nine months to find a job, and when one finally came along, it wasn't what I wanted. But I took it anyway, because I thought that once I did, we could move ahead with our plans and finally begin our "new" life together. Having a sucky job seemed manageable if I had true happiness at home.

The deadline by which we had agreed that we would be officially engaged came and went, and that's when I started to get angry.

There's a lot here I need to skip over so I can just get to the point. Here we are, not married, not even engaged. I've been fairly okay with that, always trying to see things from his side, and appreciate his concerns. But last week, we had a huge fight, and he revealed something that, in an instant, changed how I see him. It's too long for me to go into, but the point that's important is that ever since that moment, I've returned to the way I felt just before we broke up -- hurt, unloved, unappreciated, alone. He accuses me of being selfish, but I feel that, despite the wonderful things he has done for me, he is the one being selfish.

The real reason I'm writing is because this event has caused me to start thinking about the man I left behind. Looking at the situation objectively, I think I'm only thinking about him because he represents something to me: the love, affection and romance I crave that I cannot seem to get from my boyfriend. Up until last week, I would have sworn to you that that other guy was all wrong for me. Now I can't stop thinking about him. Worse yet, I've been trying to locate him. The fact that I can't is, I'm sure, a blessing for all of us. But I'm very disturbed by the fact that I'm missing him.

I keep thinking that I need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with my boyfriend, let him know that I'm feeling unloved and that I think we have work to do. I just don't know how to approach it. I'm so tired of always being the one to say, "Honey, we need to talk." But I've been feeling awful for four or five days now, and I'm sick of it. I need some relief from this anxiety.

Jewelchick, you need to find yourself a counselor and have him/her help you work through why you want a man to be responsible for your happiness.

Cinderella and other fairy tales aside, partners can only enhance our happiness (and often, our misery, too). Have you ever been alone--just you, living your life, not dating or hooked up?

You aren't missing Mr. Other Man--you haven't missed him for three or four years, so how can possibly miss him now? You are missing how you felt about yourself when you thought he was "there" for you, loving you and rescuing you from a failed relationship.

The "come to Jesus" talk you need to have is with yourself. After 13 years if you expect any man to change because you want him to, you are in for a rude awakening. We always think "if he loves me . . ." he'll prove it in whatever way we ask. That's just not true, and thank goodness, because it would have to work the other way, too!

Seriously, do find yourself a professional to talk with and help you clarify your personal goals, values, your life mission, if you will, and how to find a partner who meshes with your life--meshes, not controls or determines, but fits with who you are and where you want to go with your life. It's a much less anxious and much more fulfilling way to live.

I agree with Deb.

Ask yourself - if something he said in an instant changed everything for you, is there even enough of a foundation to keep going with the boyfriend?

Also, things change after 3-4 years and people move on.

I think you should celebrate yourself and love yourself, do things just for you, be selfish, and treat yourself well. When you love yourself very much, people will be attracted to it and you'll have new fish to fry. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi im new here and sorry if this is a privite forum. but i think i have an idea about where you are comeing from Jewelchick. I resently got married to a wonderful man who has been hurt by an exwife. the short of it is he is not really affectionate. or he wasn't when we first started dating. I have been hurt too many times in my life too.

anyways once i realized that i could no longer live with my self haveing one foot out the door waiting for him to leave me, i started working on issues in my life that where very hard to deal with. and instead of clinging and begging for affection. i gave him what i wanted.

turns out he needed the affection just as bad as i did but could not find the words (guts) to ask for it. when he can around and realized that he wanted love and affection he understood why it was important to me.

And dealing with my own issues helped me understand why i acted the way i did. I thought that he did not love or evencare about me because my life with him was not like a romance novel. I am not the 5'9" woman with big curves in all the right places. i was taught that if you dont look like a model no man will love you forever.

I dont know what you situation is but try finding out why having his affection is so important to you and why you have one foot out the door. Then try showing your affection to you boyfriend and see what happens.

Oh there are some books that may help you. the five love lagueages of love for couples, wild at heart, and captivating. the first one helps you find out how you show your affection and how you need someone to show you love. the other one is decoding men and there mind and it one that is writen for men so they under stand themselves better but it helped me understand men better. the last one is written by the wild at hearts aurthur' wife and it is for women. these are all christian based bookes but i think they will help you. good luck

I also agree with the previous posts. For me, this was the hardest thing to EVER understand.....You need to get "right" with yourself before you can get "right" with anyone else. I will admit I was 35 before I understood what that meant, but once I did let me tell you I did not WASTE any time with anyone that wasn't good for me. Don't be afraid to get help with either a counselor, a friend, yourself, books or ?????? Also don't beat youself up over the past, it's the past and needs to stay there but it might do you some good to look over your past (that is what I did, I saw a pattern that I was doing)to try and see if you are doing a pattern and then leave it there and try and correct it. I am married now, I know what I want and I am not afraid to ask for it <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I know it is hard but remember you deserve to be happy.

Thanks so much to everyone for the wonderful insights and advice.

I have started seeing my counselor again, and plan to stick with it until I get this stuff resolved. I'm also definitely going to check out all the books that were recommended above.

One of my biggest problems is that I don't know how to not need a partner. From my earliest memories -- around ages 2-3 -- I was thinking about being married and being a mom. I could give thousands upon thousands of examples of the different ways that I was told (mostly by my mom) that I was not whole by myself; that I had another half out there somewhere, and someday I would find him and that's when my life would start.

Of course at 39, after divorcing and having a career, I see things differently. But I don't FEEL differently inside. Having a committed, forever relationship is my number-one goal in life. I truly believe that connecting with that one other person is why I am here on this planet, and that nothing else that transpires in life comes close to being as important as that. When I say it, it sounds crazy to me, but that's how I feel.


I talked with my boyfriend, by the way, and found out that what was upsetting me was due to some miscommunication. Two years ago, I left a career I HATED (advertising) to start my own business. My BF has been supporting me and the business financially ever since. Now for the first time, it looks like I have a chance to break even this year. It's really beginning to grow, and now he wants me to go back to work.

I understand where he's coming from, and I have been looking for a job for a while now. I had hoped to find something I would enjoy this time, and still keep my business going on the side. What he said that upset me so much was 1) the jobs I was applying for weren't good enough; 2) that he wanted me to go back to advertising, because that was the only way I could earn "enough" money; and 3) that he wanted me to send a resume to the company that treated me like [censored], laid me off two days before Christmas and killed my professional self esteem.

As I mentioned, this is a long story, so I'm leaving out a lot of details here that would help you understand why this hurt me so much. But the idea that he would want me to do the one thing in the world I never wanted to do again was what made me doubt him. If you knew what happened at that place, and if you knew how devastated I was by it, you would think a person who had a front-row seat for it and who was supposed to be my partner would never ask me to lower myself that way. The thought that he could ask that of me was shocking, and it made me think that I was wrong to ever come back to him, and that I had blown it when I gave up a guy who told me "I'd never expect you to make a certain amount of money."

Trust me when I say that my BF was having a really bad day, and he lashed out at me. He apologized, and told me that he didn't mean those things. So now I feel better about him and us again. But I know that doesn't erase my underlying issues.

Thanks again to all of you who responded. I really appreciate your taking the time to help me.

Imagine what your boyfriend must have felt when you left him inbetween for eight months to see the other guy. as we sy, put yourself in the others shoes. look at that situation from his perspective nad may be things will be clearer to you. If he had left you for sometime inbetween to see someone else and then came back to you, would you have called him selfish? Look at all the 13 years from his point of view.

An awesome book that I have just finished reading is called "The Commitment Chronicles, How you can stay Happily married" by Cheryl McClary, PH.D., J.D.
This book helps us understand more about our husbands and partners and how to feel good about ourselves. It helps in ways to make our relationships work AND tells us how to do it!
Worth reading!!!

There is a passage in the bible that saved my marriage more than once. The layman translation is, If you have a fault with someone else, work at fixing your own faults first, than help others with theirs.
Through this I discovered, you get what you need from yourself, and "give" to the relationship. The more you give, the more giving is apt to catch on, and you get marvelous gifts in return.
My husband is lucky, he married a girl with a lot of faults!