BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Are You Feeling Left Out?

The other night, me and some girlfriends went out to dinner. As I reached the restaurant, I noticed something..I was the only one not pregnant!! As I sat there that night, and listened to the coversation. They were discussing their swollen feet, gas problems etc. They kept talking, and talking. Now, I had just started a new job, and was excited about some new things happening in my life...I tried to mention those things..It was like I never spoke! No one even replied, or said, WOW! that's great...NOTHING.. they kept right on talking about their problems. I guess now I am out of the group! Nothing I do relates to them anymore. I am wondering, does anyone else feel this way? And does anyone else feel as if you are maybe looked upon as not as muture as a woman with a child?

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i have been left out of "the mommy club" too. it is frustrating to see everyone so swept up in it all. i'm happy for them that they have their families and their pregnancies, but at the same time, i feel like i'm not a real woman when i'm around them. so i don't hang around them anymore. last year, we all got together, and they all brought their babies. i left before the group picture because i know i would have looked like a sore thumb being the only one standing there with empty arms. they're getting together this weekend too. i am not going at all. why should i? i dont' feel like listening to their conversations. countless dr appts because the kid has been fussy lately (well, babies get fussy; deal with it!), discussions about bedtime routines (not one of them thinks my bedtime routine with dh is the least bit interesting), playgroups (they're INFANTS!), trips to the zoo, etc. and when they drag out the pgcy talk and the delivery discussions, well, i've actually had panic attacks and left on those occassions. and to have to listen to other friends with older children COMPLAIN about how [censored] their mother's day gifts are? OMG! i almost said a very bad thing to one of my coworkers monday when she did this. it really ticked me off. she should be grateful. kwim? i thought a mother's love went past that sort of thing? guess not.

oh, i feel much better after purging all that. lol.

anyway, in my situation, it's my age. i'm 35, and it's the time when it seems more and more couples are starting families. when i was in my 20s, it was constantly there also, but it didn't seem to be everyone like it is now. maybe they'll get bored of their conversations (not likely) and move on to a new topic.

but i do feel like i'm not a grown-up when i'm around them. and they don't seem to care about my opinions most of the time because what the heck do i know, right? sounds like i need some new friends. <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hello,
I am brand new to this board and can totally relate to this. I am the only one in my whole circle of friends who does not have kids. In my office at work, there are six women pregnant, and if I hear one more announcement about who's having a boy or girl, I am going to scream!
I am 36 years old and have been married for 7 years. My husband and I find life hard enough on just the two of us, let alone having a baby!

Just tonight, we sat down and talked about whether or not we should have a baby, and the only reason we could think of to have one is because "everyone else does." And that's just not a good enough reason for us. We just feel so isolated! Thanks for listening!

Oh YES! The 'Mummy Club"!

I am 67 now, so i don't have this problem the way I did when I was younger and all my friends were married with children.

I found it particularly painful because I was not hererosexual, and had no opportunity of having children, though I chose a profession which compensated in some way for this 'emptiness' in my life.

They did not know about my sexuality, and I didn't feel that I could tell them, so I was continually being urged to 'get married' and have kids too.

I often felt left out of conversations, where they naturally talked about their children and what they did at school, or at sport, or how good/naughty they had been over the last week.

Instead, I talked about the little ones I cared for, and how fortunate my friends' children were to have such doting and adoring parents. This, I found, gave me a 'place' in their conversations, and I think also made them aware of the mistakes that many parents make.

Now, in my late 60's, I have to cope with the many stories about their grand children!

So,I tell them about my dogs!!!! [BIG grins!]

Hey, whatever a dog does, it's probably 1000x cuter than what a baby does.

At least, it is to me. Doggies are so adorable! I want lots of them!

Bless you Hatsumomo!

I have three, and they certainly keep me out of mischief!

I dunno, gas problems and swollen feet are fascinating subjects...

Yes- there are times when I feel left out. We live in what has become a very kid-centric neighborhood and my husband has even noticed that we just don't even get invited to a lot of things because they are centered around the kids. This is something I am working on in myself- to keep my head up and not let it get to me.

I have learned to tune a lot of it out, but it is disturbing when I have something to share with the group that is important to me no one seems to hear it because they can't stop talking about their kids. They kind of give me this "Oh, that's nice, now let's get back to the real conversation" look like they can't even broaden their minds just a little bit to hear something else. It's like a brush off of sorts.

To make matters worse it seems that every woman at my work has suddenly decided to have a baby and they ALWAYS bring them in where we are all expected to oooh and ahhh over them. Kind of tired of acting like I care all the time.

I also frequently find that I am viewed as immature or they(friends, coworkers) perceive me as being childish because I have chosen not to have kids as well. What is all this judgment about? I can stay up late and have several glasses of wine because I DON't have to get up in the morning and deal with kids. I can lay by the pool all weekend and then go shopping because I DON't have to watch a kid. Bummer for you, mom. But they look at me like I am being irresponsible or something which really burns my butt!!!

Wow- I must be really [censored] inside...sorry for the long post!!! <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I don't usually feel left out...I don't feel "left out" of things I consider unpleasant. I feel lucky to be who I am!

I would sooner consider these people unpleasant and rude, and I would begin to associate with different friends. Friends grow apart sometimes; that just seems to be the way life is.

My very best friends are the ones who I have grown up with, whose families are as close as my own. As a matter of fact, my best friend (like a sister to me) just gave me the "I'm going to have kids someday" speech...I warned her that I might faint at hearing all that! But she and I are close enough that I could warn her about my CF-ness and that things would probably get better when her hypothetical kids are older. Also, unlike a lot of mommies, she has a life and many interests outside of family, and she has no desire to share info about her bodily problems with others. So, I'm certain the conversation between she and I will remain cordial and pleasant as always.

If a friend invites you to a mommy-club meeting and you clearly have other interests, she is not being a good friend. She is being self-centered and hormonal. I have had pregnant and mommy friends who were very good about keeping to relevant, common-ground topics. It is a good clue that you have a "fair-weather friend" if you get dropped as soon as she gets married or starts a family -- she wasn't worth having anyway!

As far as maturity, I can't say I've had a problem there. It's never come up. It might be partly because people are wildly inaccurate when it comes to my age; I am in my twenties, and most of the time people think I'm in my thirties (I think it's because of the way I dress, speak, and carry myself), and at one time I was judged to be 40 or over (was called my own adult sister's mother). Yesterday someone told me I looked 12, but that was a passing comment on an elevator so I'm sure it had nothing to do with having kids.

If someone judges you to be immature because you don't have children, it may just be that *they* are the immature one! Truly mature people do not judge; rather, they try to get along with everyone they meet, and try to find common ground. A truly mature person realizes there is no point in judging. These are things that you do not cultivate from parenthood, so rest assured that maturity comes from elsewhere.

Holles - don't you ever get to feeling like you're not a "real woman." One of my best friends from high school never even had a chance at having kids -- she has no uterus! -- but we all consider her a very real woman. She taught us that you can be very womanly and very feminine even without the ability to reproduce -- and I think she was one of the first people I knew who made me feel really good about my decision to be childfree. And if your friends don't care about your opinions, you need new friends.

Patience - I commend you for your honesty about your situation. I have tons of non-heterosexual friends, and life always seems harder for them. It is actually a little bit similar to the kind of [censored] the childfree get -- we are looked at as abnormal just because we don't follow "the script." At any rate, even before I had decided to be childfree, I avoided talking too much about relationships or family planning for this reason. I don't want anyone to feel left out, because everyone has different tastes, desires, and plans for their lives. I'd rather use my life to advocate for things that benefit everybody, no matter what their situation!

Familychoice - you are too funny!


Anyway, wow, deep subject guys...I'm sorry for all of you who feel left out. But rest assured you always have a place with the Childfree! <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />