BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Should I be feeling this way?

Dear Jennifer,
I really cannot add much to the wonderful responses you have received.

I worked for three years with drug addicts and alcoholics, and I can definitely say that your brother probably DID take the combination which resulted in his death ACCIDENTALLY.

The minds of those who are trapped in this illness are never clear, and deep depression is always a factor which is constantly present. In that state, people often do not know what they are doing. They forget how much they have taken, and lose touch with reality.

I feel so deeply for your distress. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

I think I can also go as far as to say that it is not his fault either. He was a victim of his illness, and it is an illness that is terribly hard to control.

You need feel no shame, guilt or embarrassment, no more than if your brother had died of cancer. He was very ill, and now he is free - however it happened.

Please do not beat yourself up over it, and do not allow others to sit in judgment of you or of him. THEY are not the ones who had to live with the pain, and no one can ever know the extent of another person's pain.

"Talk" to your brother in your heart, and tell him all that you feel. Tell him that you are angry BECAUSE you love him. I believe that somehow, somewhere, he will hear, and will know, and will be at peace. And Jennifer, you can be at peace too.

I am sending you all my love and I will keep you in my thoughts as you move on into the future.

I want to thank each and every one of your for your words - they have helped me more than you will ever know and I am very appreciative of everyone taking the time to help me out here!

I feel a little better and have been and will continue to work through these feelings. It's hard, that's for sure. This whole situation is just so unfortunate and there is a lot of unnecessary guilt to contend with. I tried to help him so many times in so many ways and I know deep down, I did all I could and it was up to him, but now it feels like I just didn't do enough and I somehow could have done something more. I think that is where a lot of my anger is coming from. Reality is quite different and I need to get that into my thick skull.

You know, I've thought about talking to both him and my father, but I feel so silly because I don't know if they can hear me. I kind of hope they can, but I don't know. Maybe I will try that today since I am going to both graveyards to visit. It would probaby be easier to talk to my dad since I still "feel" his presence here and sometimes, I even smell "his" smell in certain rooms. At first it freaked me out, but now it's kind of comforting when it happens.

I am hoping this whole thing gets easier! I am a little over the 6 month mark for my dad and 3 month mark for my brother and have some pretty good days, but other times, it all comes flooding back and usually lasts for a week where I am just "weepy" and so sad, and I miss my father so very much, and I never thought it, but I also miss my brother. He did have a good sense of humor and was nice when he wanted to be.

Anyway, thanks everyone! I appreciate it.

Here for you... anytime!

I too send thoughts and feel silly talking aloud to my mother and to my daughter... but it is easy to get used to doing. My friend lights a candle every night and sits next to it and talkes to her son. It allows her to wrap up her day, tell her son what is going on, and lets her feel connected to him.

If you find that you are very uncomfortable talking to them, I would urge you to begin writing them letters. I have also done that - mostly for my daughter, and it has been very healing.

Thinking of you and hoping that your visit today to their graves is peaceful and healing.

With love,
Corinne