BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Pressure from mother in law to produce grandchild

My husband and I have been married for nearly two years and have been together for five. Before we got married the topic of children came up. I have never been maternal, sure I like kids, but I also like to hand them back to their parents and enjoy my nice peaceful life. I was relieved when he said he also didn't want to have children. If he had have wanted them, I would not have married him because it just wouldn't be fair on either party.

Anyway, we got married and have a wonderful life. But then something strange happened, suddenly people, friends and family were asking "when we were going to have children". At first I just laughed it off and said oh we're not thinking about that. But then things started to get a little persistant and I kind of stood back and thought, hey these people are actually serious.

So, I started saying "we're not having kids" and I got this kind of pitying look and a patronising "you'll change your mind". It made me so angry.

The person who I get the most pressure from is my Mother in Law. I haven't actually said "we're not having kids" to her I think mainly because I'm frightened to say it. At every opporunity (usually when my husband isn't around) she will make some comment about children/babies/when I get pregnant.

For example, last night she asked how I was getting on with our new mattress (its a memory foam one) and I said "yeah it's great, I still get a little back pain but it's not bad." Then she said "well you should get your back looked at, it might not be causing you problems now, but when you get pregnant EVENTUALLY (she emphasised this word) it could be quite painful.

I was too chicken s**t to correct her.

I'm not scared of her, but I feel awful because I know telling her we're not having kids will crush her. I've toyed with the idea of telling her I can't have kids because of a medical reason, but I just thought that was a cowards way out. My husband and I have discussed how to approach it and we just don't know what to do. We're riding it out at the moment but we think she'll up the pressure soon (i'm 27 in May), I mean goodness knows what she's gonna be like when I get to 30 (hopefully I'll be able to get sterilised by then). SHe'll be leaving pregnancy magazines around and buying us baby stuff I expect.

Has anyone else here had to deal with pressure from mother in law's or even their own mothers? I sure could do with a little advice.

Ask yourself what you're really scared of? What's the worst that can happen? Once it's out in the open, if she keeps bringing it up, it will be her problem... whilst you skirt around the issue, it's always going to be yours.

How about....
Both you and your husband write her a joint, affectionate caring letter teling her that you have absolutely no plans whatsoever to bring any more children into the world...
tell her you're worried about an uncertain future, providing for them, bringing them up in a society which ultimately is materialistic and money-oriented.. that frankly you don't have any desire, and having not had children this long, you would have wanted them by now if you were ever going to want them at all...
That her care and affection mean the world to you, but that much as you hope this won't hurt her, she will have to be content with that...

Does she have other grandchildren? if so, then her wishes are more selfish than just worrying for you...
But be nice...people from that generation are convinced they are right....

Just a suggestion...

Hope it helps. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you very much for your advice. I'm so glad and grateful I found this forum! It really feels as if a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders knowing that I am not a freak for not wanting children.

My MIL has 4 other (adult) children who I really cannot see having children of their own for various reasons and I have a suspicion that she thinks the same of them too. I get the impression that she thinks me and her son are the ones who are going to produce the goods.

I'll discuss with my husband what you have suggested and hopefully we can do something about it.

I remember one evening I was talking to her about contraception and that I was changing from the pill to having an IUD. The conversation went on for a little while and I said "because George and I have no desire to have children" I saw this kind of look pass over her face as if she had smelled something bad. I didn't have the courage to elaborate further. I thought if I could just plant a little seed, you know take a softly softly approach.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, she is a lovely person who has been through and is still going through an awful lot. So I want to be as gentle as possible. However, she really needs to understand that this is my life and children are not going to be a part of mine and my husband's future.

Good Luck.
Remember, it's never as bad as it seems... <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Wow- this is a tough one and yes I have been in this situation. The pressure for me comes more from my own mother which is strange because my mother-in-law has no grandchildren and my mom has 7 already. Even as recently as this year when looking at our new home for example my mother would say things like, "This would be a great room for a baby!" Nice, Mom...and, like you, I am too much of a chicken to confront her about it...but I think she is finally getting the hint.

I agree with Alexandra that it would be nice to just tell her in a kind, loving way. The benefits being that you will get it off your chest and she will stop expecting and hoping for something she is never going to get. In all of my relationships I have found that people appreciate when you take the initiative to be honest and open rather than skirting around the issue. I know it is a leap of faith and it is scary, but I do think you will feel better once its out there...Good luck and let us know what happens...

Thank you for your sound advice, both of you. I will definitely post the outcome on here to let you know how it went.

One thing I've noticed about reading the posts here, is that the people who write in on this forum are not selfish (as is often pointed out to those who choose to be CF) they are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in and are intelligent caring people who simply live their life how they want to.

It seems to me that some people think you're life is a failure or incomplete until you have children! Now that I know I'm not the only woman who doesn't want children I won't be so embarassed about it.

I made it perfectly clear to anyone that would listen before I even got married that my husband and I have no plans for children. So far, my grandmother (who already has great-grands) has been the only one really pressuring me. And my mother-in-law makes the occasional comment, but for the most part, everyone has respected our decision. It's my husband's co-workers who seem to have the hardest time accepting that being childfree is a choice. They are constantly teasing us because we're freaks or something for choosing not to have kids.

You can't beat around the bush any longer with your mother-in-law. You just need to sit her down and tell her that you have no plans for kids. It will only make it more difficult down the road if you wait to tell her. She will just have to learn to live with it. It's not her decision to make, after all, and tell her that absolutely under no circumstances will you tolerate being pressured by her, because you and your husband are both firm in your decision.

Of course, you need to say this to her gently, but it still needs to be said. You're not doing her any favors by not telling her, while she's pining away for grandkids and expecting you to announce a pregnancy at any moment.

Good luck!

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

My husband and I were discussing the subject last night and he said that a lot of the guys at his work were shocked when he said we weren't having children. They said those wonderful lines we all just love to hear "you'll change your mind" or "it's different when it's your own".

But I think this one really takes the biscuit. His brother said "what's the point of you being alive if you're not going to have children?" I was shocked by that, I mean what a horrid thing to say. Needless to say, I pointed out that if his brother believes that, he's the one who can produce the much desired grandchild for MIL.

I never realised what a taboo it is choosing to be cf and how much it upsets some people.

My husband and I have agreed that we will tell MIL. He liked Alexandra's idea of writing a letter, at least then she would be able to read it a few times, the other bonus is that she won't be able to say "you'll change your mind" to a letter. Cunning plan!!!

I would not put up with that from any relative.

She is just going to have to accept that yu are noy going to reproduce.

Send her a letter!

The reason people with kids say the stuff they do is because they either really *love* being parents, which is great by me, let them have as many kids as they want!!

The other reason, is that they are tied down financially, emotionally and physically. Kids are nonrefundable. Misery loves company...