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I want to confront him about what he wants to do. I don't want it to be a rush in rush out discussion. Right now with my schedule that would be what it would be. I don't want to do it on the phone or over the computer. I want to do it face to face. I really don't have the time for an open discussion with him until next week. Kids have me extremely busy with school party's, pep-squad practice, choir, and football games. Also, work is an overload right now since they have let some workers go.

I'm planning on talking to him Tuesday since we are both suppose to be off work that day. My sister told me I should give him two more weeks. She said I was gone for one month that I should be fair and give him a month alone too. She told me he would probably bring that up too. Something like you had a month to think why can't I? I don't see fair in this so I probably won't wait that long.

As for the no affection attitude I'm with your "experts" on that. I just can't see where it would hurt to give a kiss on the cheek. I have asked him about this a few weeks ago. He told me he just doesn't want to be touched by anybody. He said he feels closed in when people get too close to him. Family and close friends have commented about this to me. If they walk up to him and they get too close to him he will take a step back. It's like he needs space from everybody. I don't know what to make of it.

At first, I thought it was signs of depression. One minute he is sad the next he seems happy, won't do things with friends, lack of energy, sleeping more than usual, mood swings and diminished sex. He use to joke with everybody and he doesn't do that. He use to be out going but now he just locks himself up in the apartment most of the time. I've tried to get him to see a proffessional but he tells me depression is for wimps.

I stay stressed out. I'm stressed over the relationship but I'm more worried about him.

Leigh A

Hi, Leigh,

Depression is a physical problem--it's not a "mental" thing that one can "control". It is a lack of certain brain chemicals--usually serontonin--that regulate moods and feelings. (PMS is caused by the same thing, and is usually medicated the same way.)

So, essentially, depression is like diabetes or poor thyroid or any other disease where your body doesn't work normally. And, there are medications that help, just like insulin helps a diabetic and thyroid hormones help those with thyroid problems. If his stomach made too much acid, he'd probably take antacids, right? It's the same principle.

And, if he had symptoms of diabietes, you would probably not stand by while he said it was for "wimps". You'd insist he see a doctor. A medical doctor. Psychiatrists are still good for helping people with depression and talk therapy is great, but for many people, the medicine fixes things in a matter of weeks.

Good luck to both of you.

Leigh,

My mother suffered from depression but no one thought she did because she was like your husband-happy, then nervous and agitated, but able to function well. She was an accountant. As a teenager I was surprised when the doctor told us it was depression. I thought depression was very different than what I was seeing in her.

Ask your husband what he would do if one of your children felt like he does. Wouldn't he take them for some help?
He needs help too. Do not take that to mean that you should just focus on him. You need to think about your well-being as well.

My prayers and good thoughts are with you both. Stay strong and don't give up. WE're always here in the Marriage forum for you.

My husband agrees he is depressed but doesn't believe it is that much of a big deal. He keeps saying there is more to it. My oldest daughter wants to get the kids together and have a talk with him. I told her she could try but I don't think it would work.

Thursday my husband told me he has been thinking about divorce the last five days or so. He said he loves me, wants to protect me and actually wants to take care of me. He said the problem is he doesn't feel a strong caring feeling towards me. He thought with him being gone he would start missing me but hasn't. The thing I don't understand is the last few days he has started changing. Two days ago complained about a male married friend of ours that we have know for about two years. Now if the guy talks to me at work he thinks the guy is flirting with me. He even told me the guy is always watching my behind when I walk by. Why all of a sudden is he thinking this way? Why all of a sudden is he observing what I am doing? Last night when I was talking to the security guard he came up to us. I didn't think much about it since the security guards have to walk him out because of the money he carries. He said bye which I thought he was saying to her to let her know he was going out the door. I got to my car and he walked beside my car to tell me he was telling me bye. This morning I was sitting in my car before work. I was on the cellphone talking to my sister so I had the windows rolled down. He came by and stuck his hand in to wave hello to me. Why all of a sudden is he making a point to tell me hi and bye? I'm getting confused again.

I have bought a book called "Divorce Busting". It seems like a good book so far. It is a book with a step-by-step approach to making your marriage loving again. It also shares insights on how to cope if you end up getting a divorce. Has anybody read this book and tried the methods outlined in it?

Leigh A

His behavior is erractic and a little uncomfortable. I would do two things.
1. Do have your oldest daughter and the other children talk to him. They make get him to open up more than you can.
2. Prepare yourself for the worse, (separation and divorce) and focus on the best, (getting back together and having a new start).

Leigh, this is not good for you or your children. Either he wants to be with you and the kids or he doesn't. Either way he must make serious choices that will affect his life and yours.

Leigh, the book you are reading sounds like a really good idea! It seems like your husband is a little jealous of other men showing you attention and you returning their looks. Maybe you should try to flirt with your husband a little: smile and whisper "hello" as you pass him; smile, bat your eyes and walk by and touch his arm as you say goodbye; remember what I said earlier about acting like the "new girl" in town?

I agree with Kristen about letting the girls talk to him about what he wants. Kids have a great way of just saying the truth. Have you seen the t.v. commercial where the mother is looking at the floor and the little boy walks in and asks her, "what's wrong, mom?" She says, "I think I want a new floor but I don't know how to tell your dad". He stops for a few seconds, looks upstairs and hollers, "dad, mom wants a new floor".

Sometimes kids can make things seem so much more simple. Bless you, Leigh and keep your chin up.

Trish

I actually bought a couple of new books a few days ago. One for me about flirting and the other one for him about marriage. I realized the book I am reading is so indept that he probably would put it down after the first few pages. He isn't a reader. The book I got for him is called Making Marriage Work for Dummies. It's a hands-on guide that is bigger print and smaller chapters. A few of the things in this book that caught my eye is a discussion on depression and mid-life crisis. When I gave it to him he asked me if I really thought he would read all of that. The book has a little over 300 pages. I told him I didn't expect him to read everything but I thought he would read at least the main things involving us. I told him if he wasn't going to read it I would take it back. He told me he would look through it and give it a try.

Today was my youngest daughters football game. She is in pep-squad. He called me to see what time the game starts. He actually came to the game. He was going to get something to eat from concession and asked if I wanted anything. I told him I was going to take the girls out to eat Chinese after the game. He said that sounded good and he would wait to eat. I had to come home first. Before leaving to go out to eat he called wanting to know where I was. He told me he was already at the Chinese place waiting on us. When we got there he had already order our drinks and at the end he paid the whole ticket.

All this is surprising to me. I can't recall him every going to a football game with me. Usually one of us would take the kids to the game. We haven't went out to eat in about two month's now. He was in a extremely happy mood which he really hasn't been in lately. The whole family enjoyed themselves tonight.

Leigh A

Sorry to hear there is so much 'up and down' - I am sure it is terribly confusing. While we as strangers on the internet can't pretend to know how you are feeling, I think the best thing would be to get to a counselor. Even if your husband doesn't want to go, I think it would be important for yourself. Also, your kids are probably having a rough time figuring out where they fit into this limbo... maybe they would feel better talking to someone professional? Just a thought. I really hope this all works out well for you and your family. Hang in there!

Today he told me he had the best two days in a long time. Tuesday we went to the football game and out to eat with the kids. Last night we drove around some. The last few days I have given him a kiss on the cheek when I leave. Today he surprised me because when I went to kiss him on the cheek he turned to kiss me on the lips. He laughed about it and said he snuck that one in.

Right now he isn't ready to come home but I don't want to push the issue. I feel if I push it that I will push him right out of my life for good. I love him and want to do whatever I can to bring us together again. The last few days he seems to be in a better mood and more easy going.

I am looking into a family counselor for the girls and me.

Thanks so much for all the great advice.

Thank you,
Leigh A

Leigh-you are a truly amazing woman! Bless you for your great heart and the love you have for your man! <img src="/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending positive energy your way. I do think the counselor is the best for you and the girls.