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I'm thinking counselling is a great idea.
I'm thinking that she really has to meet you half way on this.
I'm thinking you may need to find out why, if she acknowleges what you do for her, what it is she feels you're NOT doing for her....
I'm thinking it may have got to the point where you're better friends than you are married partners....
I'm thinking it's worth a shot, but that nothing is permanent, and sometimes, the best thing is to break rather than make - but in friendship rather than alacrity.
I'm thinking you're doing ok, eddie. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck, and breathe deeply, always.

Thanks Alexandra.

I agree with everything Alexandra saide!

And it may just be that with the little bit of time and thinking that she's had so far, your wife has had a chance to realize some mistakes.

Reconciliation is never an easy thing, but marriages that make it through are often some of the strongest afterwards. It's one of the worst things a marriage can go through, so if you twon can weather this and get through it, then you can say - "We can handle anything"

My prayers are with you, no matter how things turn out.

I'm going to tell her tonight at counseling that I forgive her for the mistakes that she has made in the past and I have let go of them at this point. I'm not saying they are reconciled, but they are forgiven.

I'm treating our lunch as a "date" and not bringing up anything in the past only typical conversation. You ladies have been an incredible help for me. I have begun to find myself, forgive myself, forgive her, and have started to heal. I'm sure this is just one of the ups of the situation, but I just wanted you to know how happy I am that you have taken the time to give me support. May God bless you both.

It's only my opinion, but I would hesitate and hold back on the 'forgiven' part, and I'll explain why....
Right now, she may well be feeling very guilty about some of the things she has done. She's embarassed by the fact that you have taken it so well, and that you are prepared to meet with her and discuss things... She may well be feeling quite wretched, confused and unsure of herself...As I said, you may want to establish where she feels there are things lacking from your side...
So to tell her she's forgiven, would only, at this point, rub salt in the wounds, and perhaps make her feel even more wretched.
It's a good thing to forgive, and I think you are wise to deal with it in this way, but by telling someone they're forgiven, you run the risk of making yourself look very 'Holier-than-thou'....

To forgive someone means to release yourself from the burden of hurt too... If you're going to forgive, you have to be prepared to really consign things to the past, and not bring them up again, as a reasonable fulcrum or 'weapon' in future.
That's why I would just go in with an open mind.... and wait and see what she says.
More than anything else, the best thing you can do right now, is to just listen....

Hi, Alexandra. Hope you are doing well.

I'll just go in with an open mind then. Maybe, I haven't truly forgiven her, but have forgiven myself about the situation, accepted it and I'm prepared to handle it?

I'll just open my ears, shut my mouth, take notes, and listen.

Thank you for the advice and your time.

I think you're doing everything right.... My only concern for you is that this is all very sudden and recent, so that all your emotions are in a turmoil, too... you both have a right to, and need your space... everything seems to have happened very fast, so although you are probably very much in control on the outside, and planning meticulously how things may go, maybe inside there's a whole lot of stuff going on, and you need to give that air.... Just go along and expect nothing. In that way, it will all be a gift. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, this is all of a sudden and very recent. My guess is that she has been feeling this way for a long time and hasn't expressed herself. She just told me she was feeling this way about a month ago, so I'm kind of in panic mode.

So, you can see my disappointment in the lack of effort on working on the relationship for only one month, excluding weekends.

I just got an e-mail from here and we are going to lunch soon. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Well, just got back from lunch and had a very good time. We joked, laughed, small talk and enjoyed ourselves. We took a nice walk and then she told me she is sorry for what is going on, so I told her it is OK and she is entitled to her feelings. She looked a bit shocked and she started to cry, so I gave her my hankerchief and wiped her eyes for her. We talked some more about good times and she told me I looked really good. She felt my abs and we hugged and gave a kiss on the cheek. So it was nice, she didn't want to let go of my hand when we departed, so I liked that as well.

She told me she will might leave work early on Friday to head over to the house, so I asked her if she was going to pick up more of her belongings and she said, no, I just want to get some things done around the house and she said, she might stop by on Sunday to do some weeding in the garden, so I'm guessing she is going for a trial period of some kind to see how she feels. What do you all think?

We had our meeting last night and it went OK. My wife finally let me know how she is feeling about life. Trapped, controlled and just not happy. The counselor asked for examples, here is one: Well, I would feel like going out to the movies so I would say to myself what would Eddie want to do, he probably would just want to rent one and stay home, so I would suggest that instead of what I really wanted to do.

Needless to say, I was upset. I felt controlled. I mean, how can someone think to ask a question, assume what the other is going to say, and then change their own mind and wants in order to please the other and then hold them responsible for the choice? Then say she felt controlled.

When asked about this she said, she has always felt this way being the eldest in her family that she had to make these types of sacrifices. Obviously, I feel sorry for her in this respect because she was conditioned for this, but I also feel very manipulated.

The counselor asked if she wants to work on the relationship and she said I don't know, I've just had enough. If we had started six weeks ago, then maybe, but she has had enough. I explained to her I didn't know she was feeling this way and if I did I would have paid more attention. I said, I can't change the past, but only the future, so I'm hoping she understands that, time will tell.

I explained to the counselor about the two times she has hit me and the last incident were she was sitting on top of me screaming and holding me down. About an hour after the session, my wife called me and said, "I don't want the counselor thinking I abuse you." and I said, "I don't know what the counselor thinks and I don't know what to tell you. All I can say is that is what happened." She said, "Well, our hands were intertwined" I said, I know, but the only way I would have been able to get you off of me would have been to forceably remove you. So, she repeated "Well, our hands were intertwined" and I said, "I don't know what to tell you that is what happened."

I have a meeting tonight with an abused husbands counseling group, so I'm going to try and see if there are any other instances that might have happened that I didn't interpret that way.

A lot of positive things came out of the session, I now understand how and why my wife feels the way that she does. I understand how we can change the patterns that have assisted that behavior of her feeling controlled and trapped. She told me she loves me and that I'm her best friend, but she isn't happy at this time and doesn't know if she can be. It was a great session and a great day.

She said she enjoyed our "date" during the day and that I tugged at her heart, but so much of it is still covered in black. I said to her, well, I'll keep on tugging until the black is gone if you let me and suggested that we have more dates. We scheduled an appointment in three weeks to meet the counselor again and my wife said she is going to stop by the house and do some chores the next couple of days, which is really nice. Thanks for listening.