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My wife and I have been having problems for a few months.

We have the typical disagreements about were to spend the holidays and such. I recently finished college and we just moved into a new house, so I'm home a lot more than I used to be. We are going to individual counseling and have gone together once, but only after I forced the issue.

She has told her entire family about the issues we are having and this has caused me discomfort when dealing with them. Recently, a friend approached me to tell me she was seen with another man. The day of the incident I was at work and she was off. She told me she was getting together with some old co-workers of hers and not with this man. Of course, this raised questions and knocked out my trust level. So, I started looking through our phone records and found she has been communicating with this man regularly when I'm not at home or just before I get there.

A couple of weeks ago, we both worked from home, which she was surprised about. I witnessed her, by accident, creating an e-mail to this man stating:

Eddie is home today. Don't call me here.

I noted the e-mail address and as soon as she realized I might see it, she closed the e-mail and didn't send it. I was just getting back into the room after getting some coffee. I waited two weeks to talk to her about it and asked her who she was sending it to and why. She said, she was sending it to her sister, so I asked what the e-mail address was and needless to say it didn't match up. So I asked again, and she said it might have been this man. She then got very angry about it. I asked her why she would send this and she said, "I don't know". Seeing the anger I decided to drop it and bring it up again later. So this week, I brought it up again and she tried to pawn it off on her sister and I asked the e-mail address again, of course, she gave me two addresses which were incorrect. I told her they weren't the ones and she said, then I don't know what to tell you. I asked why she sent it again, I don't know. I said that is unacceptable as an answer. She started getting angry again and threated to leave. This is not the first time. In fact, anytime I bring up a tough subject she either leaves or walks out of the room.

I have been hearing a lot of things she has been saying about me to her family and friends like, I drink every night, I get angry all the time, I don't do anything around the house, well, I don't drink at all, I'm a very level headed person, and I do most of the chores around the house.

Last night, I asked her what she has been telling people about our relationship and she said, we are having problems. I said, I know that isn't everything. Well, then she got out of bed to leave the conversation and sleep on the couch saying she was really tired. I talked her back into to bed and we talked a bit, but not about what I wanted to talk about. I told her if everytime I bring up a tough question she leaves, then I'll stop doing it, but she doesn't want that, she wants me to share my feelings.

So, here is what I think, I think she is talking bad about me to her family and friends and I think she is having an emotional affair with this man.

One more thing, I have been catching her telling me lies. For instance, I went to the counselor and was informed she met with a priest and he recommended the counselor. I didn't know she met with the priest. So I confronted her about this and asked what she told me she was doing, she said she was going to the store.

So I asked, what other times have you told me one thing and did another. At that point, she get really angry and threated to leave. Then she went on about how I was accusing her of cheating, which I replied I didn't say that, but it is interesting that you would bring it up. She didn't go, but we haven't talked about it since.

Any advice would be appreciated.

She wants out.
But she hasn't got the courage to tell you.
So instead of talking to you about it, she's talking to everyone else (and lying too... so much easier to make YOU the guilty one) and refusing to face you, by storming off, and refusing to discuss the matter.

Forgive my bluntness, I apologise.
I used to work with a counselling organisation (which doesn't make me right, I just recognise the behaviour pattern).
But how many more signals do you need?

Hi, Alexandra. Thank you for responding.

I had a feeling that was the case, but I just needed some neutral advice. I just checked one of our accounts and there is a substantial amount of money missing, so I'm figuring that is for a lawyer.

I had a feeling she wanted out before, but after we went to counseling together we decided to work things out. I just can't believe it. Of course, lying to me makes it easier, but why keep telling me she loves me.

Well, look at it this way... it puts the onus on you to do something about it, and she will then declare that she always loved you, and doesn't understand why you're behaving this way...In other words, if she says she loves you, when you do something to resolve the problem, all the guilt will be yours, too....

This is really sad. I'm so sorry.
It may actually be a bit of a relief fo you though....
One you've decided to do something, then it may well be like a load's lifted....
are there children?

My first husband did sort of the same thing to me. He kept seeing the woman, and quite honestly would have been happy to keep it that way (married to me and seeing her) - but I was not willing to live like that.

Finally I filed for divorce. It was a very hard decision, as I had truly wanted our marriage to work out. Not everything had been his fault, I had made mistakes, too. But in the end, he was unwilling to try, and he was unwilling to give up the other woman.

I was unwilling to bring up two children in that kind of situation. So I (broken hearted) ended it.

I am now re-married to a wonderful man who considers my first 2 kids his own, and we have a child together as well.

A marriage can only be made to work if both parties try, one is not enough. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry, and I hope that things will work out; but start to prepare and protect yourself.

Thank you both for your replies.

No kids, which kind of makes it easier. I logged into our joint account and noticed she was transfering money out today to her personal account, so I called her on it. It was a hefty amount. At first, she lied about it, and then finally told me she had packed a suitcase this morning for a "few" days and needed the money. I asked her to cancel the transaction and to use the money from our other joint account for expenses, plenty there, so she agreed and cancelled it. The amount was good for a lawyer retainer if you know what I mean, but my understanding is that legally when someone seperates the money's stay frozen.

Yeah, I don't think she is willing to try anymore, especially, with a new bo in the picture. It is sad, but I saw it coming I just didn't want to accept it.

Just an update, my WAW didn't come home last night and I haven't heard from her since talking to her yesterday. I also noticed she changed our account information and then changed it back after I caught her transferring the money. She did say something odd yesterday though, she said she wasn't going to use the money for a vacation, so I'm thinking she left town. Weird stuff. She had my neighbor call me this morning to see if I was home, which was weird, and my neighbor was honest about it and said, I don't know what is going on and I asked her to leave herself out of the situation because she shouldn't be involved. Funny how she left, but is still checking up on me.

I also noticed my journal was not in the place I normally keep it when I got home last night, so I'm guessing, she invaded my privacy and read it. Which made me think about a question she asked me when I got home from a trip recently as to where it was.

Thanks for listening any advice would be appreciated.

I think for the most part now you have to make sure you safeguard your emotional state, and decide now what your options are...
If she came back, at any point, and asked to try again, would you concede?

I'm not sure if I would concede. I talked to my lawyer this morning and was advised to move half of my assets out of the account, so I did. She has a history of being angry and violent, she has hit me in the past, so I talked to Domestic Abuse social worker and I'm meeting with them next week.

I think I would let her come home, but there would be some conditions for it. Don't ask me what though, I'm not sure. I do know, I'm getting tired of doing all the work around the house because she has withdrawn. I'm feel sorry for her as I've come to realize more and more that she is very depressed and taking all of her emotions out on me and ruining our marriage in the process. She probably things the grass is greener on the other side, she feels trapped, but if you have these inner issues now and don't face them, then I would assume any relationship in the future would be doomed.

I don't really have any advice to offer. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry to read about what is happening with your marriage, and I think you are handling it very maturely and rationally. It also seems like you have a lot of clarity about what is going on with her.

Good luck with everything.