BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Big dilenma - my child to keep or not to keep?

WOW. You have a lot of thinking to do. It is never too late to place the child for adoption. Go for some counseling first but don't waste a lot of time. Really think about what raising this child is going to do to your life, your marriage, etc. Be strong and don't crumble under pressure from family, friends, etc. It's your life and your decision. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your encouragements/comments/advice. As of today, things have not changed much for us. me and my husband are exploring the adoption option by contacting adoptive parents etc. i have got back to work from my maternity leave. and i thought be around "parents" will change my mind. however, it does not. after a whole day, i still want to go back to a quiet home with just my hubby.

however, watching her grow up is something that scares me. she is cute, smart and just what some parents say "a perfect baby". when i'm in good mood, or not tired, i love to take care of her. however, whenever i think about she'll grow up to be toddler, teenager, then i freak out again. i know the logner we wait, the hard the decision will be, or there might not be any option because we become too attached to her. but i am just so afraid to deal with all the drama, i.e. giving away my baby and deal with all the emotions. sigh, it's still a mess.

for those who think i'm trying to get sympathy from you, please just ignore this post. i don't need "sympathy" because it does not help me in any way. all i want is a place to speak my mind and know what others might do in my situation

I agree - this seems to be the incorrect forum for this. Being childfree means you do not HAVE children, and you have NEVER given birth to or fathered a child, and you NEVER WILL. NOT EVER. NOT TODAY. NOT TOMORROW OR IN THE FUTURE.

I do, however, truly wish for that child that she be with someone that wants her and will love her unconditionally.

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hi, I just wanted to come and bring a closure to this thread, and believe me, i will siliently leave this forum...sadly but if that's the rule.

My husband and I had spent the thoughest 3 months to do all the research for the adoption, met with couples from different locations, mostly are very very nice people, some flew all the way from the other side of the country.. we felt very gracious, and guilty because we really didn't wnat them to think we are not taking this serioulsy. At the same time, i have met a wonderful conselor at an adoption agency, she was very patient and helpful to listen to our story, and gave us the best we could get at taht time "understanding". But we couldn't, we couldn't make the decision to place our daughter. not because we didn't want to go back to "child free", only because we had already chose to give birth to her, so the decision is not about "child free" or not, it's about "place or not". It is very very different. Placing her is probably a much tougher decision because then it will impact her life, as well as ours. So we decided to raise our daughter.

But believe me or not, until today, i am still thinking to myself, what a wonderful life i would have had i not have a baby. i envy all those ppl including most of you who are child free, what a generous gift god have given you. I felt like a loser, i felt like i just gave up my freedom to a big responsibility. None of these are about my daughter..she is great, she is cute, she is smart, it's all because I don't want to be her mother, I don't deserve to be her mother.

I tried, I tried so hard to mingle with parents, to tell story or listen to stories with my co-workers, my friends. I am surrounded by parents, I want to find some joy of being a mom. But all i got is I not only feel sorry for myself, i feel sorry for them, even if they are happy, i just can't feel the joy they have. But I am one of them now, I am no longer a member of this forum, i wish all of you a very free and happy life. I bow out and will just live the life i chose, or god chose for me. hope i find some peace in my mind later..

Absolutely, Katja (good to see you back, BTW).

The stigma of being a married woman who chooses (or hell, even dares to discuss) giving her child up for adoption is one of the few that tops the stigma of being an "out", proudly CF woman --- in spades.

I *really* feel for you, Jenny. It's only since being with a boyfriend (later, a husband) with a proven-successful vasectomy that I've stopped having nightmares about failed birth control pills, etc. This is so tough.

The longer you wait, the harder it will be on you if you decide to give up the child. But the good news is, if you give her up at any point during her infancy, the likelihood of any damage to *her* psyche is pretty small. Wait until she's a toddler, though, and she'll probably have some trauma.

What about the open adoption thing? You could stay in touch with her, on a limited basis, after you gave her up. Maybe I'm misinformed, but I seem to understand from what I've read that mothers of healthy American babies (and, risking being crass and un-PC, I'll add in, with trepidation, *white* healthy American babies --- Jennie, I don't know if this applies to you) could more or less write their own ticket in terms of giving up a child for adoption.

Best to you, Jennie ---

It's a lot easier, cheaper, usually less red tape, and certainly less recovery time, for the guy involved to get the snip. If one can get around the vicious misinformation out there which has been perpetuated about vasectomy, it's almost-like-falling-off-a-log easy.

But the horse is out of the barn on this one, unfortuntely.

If this forum one of the very few places anywhere where a woman in Jenny's position could hope to air her issues and not get burned at the stake in the process, I say she's welcome to it.

(in addition to "wow, we've got a long, long way to go").

Elise

I also feel bad for Jenny feeling she cant be on this forum because this is probably the only place she can aire her feelings. Others moms really may not understand not wanting your child. Honestly I think Jenny does want this child as she says there are times she enjoys caring for her and she cant give her up and has kept her this long. Please however, get your tubes tied and do not have another. Good luck. I think you will be ok we dont have to have only one path in life that can make us happy

Have you looked into open adoption?

Your not raising her, but you still get letters, pictures and to visit her, as much or as little is between you and the adoptive parents decided on before the adoption. You will still be a part of her life and she will know who you are and that you love her.

It is a very hard decision. Have you talked with an adoption agency? They can give you more info on open vs closed adoptions and provide a list of therapist who you might like.

Do not let anyone tell you what to do/when to do it. Follow your heart.

My thoughts are with you and I hope that everything works out for you.