BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Big dilenma - my child to keep or not to keep?

The main reason I chimed in here, was because I wanted Jenny to know that not all parents would look down on her if her decision is to give up the child for adoption.

I never have a problem with couples choosing to remain child-free, that is a responsible decision to make if someone feels they don't have the temperament for raising children. That's why I like coming on here from time to time to give a "thumbs up" to you guys as encouragement. Because I know you all don't always get that from the parenting community.

I do tend to get offended though when blanket statements are made about "breeders", "motherhood is boring", etc. because that's not true for all of us.

Yes, I get what you're saying, antikid. Although, if I were married and the birth control failed or something, I'd be somewhat afraid to give the child up for adoption--I have a feeling people would frown VERY strongly on it and would give me hell...somehow it's okay to do so when you're a teenager or a single mother, but when you're married, they probably don't see any reason for you not to keep it, y'know?

Yes- I think you are right...I can only imagine the pressure Jenny must be facing from her friends that have children...So I suppose the bottom line is that Jenny needs to get some good counseling, and try to make the decision that is best for her...although that will be difficult whatever choice she makes...Thanks Katja for the thought-provoking comments and Jenny- best of luck to you...

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. That is exactly what I need, a place where people understand why the hell I even think about placing my kid. But the most difficult thing is that no matter how much conseling I have now, nobody knows 10 years down the road, will I regret my decision. After all, we are living in a world where majority of people have kids. They will always remind me of my own child. No matter how much I don't want to raise a kid, I probably wouldn't be able to heal the loss. I am so stuck... <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

But then, 10 years down the road, would you regret NOT giving it up?

I wonder if you might not look into open adoption--that way, you could perhaps still be a part of the child's life, without having to do the parenting part?

Adoption is a big step and not one to take lightly. I'm a birthmother who gave her child up at birth because I couldn't take care of him and the son I already had. Your number one priority has to be what is best for the baby.

Counseling is a great thing, once you find the right person who isn't going to pressure you into their way of thinking. My son is now 20 and I have been in contact with him for 4 years. Was it easy the 16 years before that? No, I thought of him all the time. I'm in a different position than you also because I chose not to see him when he was born, I knew I wouldn't be able to let him go if I did.

Do I regret what I did? Sometimes, other times I know it was the right thing for him and for me. Mine was a closed adoption and I had no idea of what he was doing or if he was ok. Open adoption can mean totally open where you can see the baby/child at different times, recieve pictures and updates or be totally involved, it depends on what you and the adoptive parents agree to.

You have to do what is best for you and the baby no matter what anyone else has to say about it. You and your husband are the ones that have to live with the decision no one else.

This is a "heavy" issue for most women to discuss. So I applaud you for even bringing it to this forum Jennyt.

Finding a therapist (I am one) is just like finding any other professional. You have to find one that is a good fit for you. Using one or two and then being discouraged by the process is normal, but shouldn't stop you from finding someone else.

This decision about your daughter will affect you and your husband for the rest of your lives. When you finally make it you want to definitely feel that you have made the best one for the both of you. So talking it through is a good idea. And the fact that you feel a great deal of judgment and pressure from those around you also speaks to your own self dialogue and possibly how you were raised. On some level, you feel that guilt as well. Not just from others.

If you are leaning more towards adoption, like Katja suggested - find an agency that will allow for an open adoption process. That way you can find a loving home for your child, but always have a bit of a window to peep in and say "how is she doing?" The option of being able to know what's going on with her will hopefully help alleviate some of the guilt and/or pressure you are feeling.

Also, I hate to sound like so much of a "therapist" here, but why I am strongly suggesting you find another counselor is I don't know if you are as "kid-free" as you think you are. If you were - you and your husband may have chosen a more permanent birth control solution such as a vasectomy or having your tubes tied. Otherwise - there is always a huge risk of getting pregnant. So if you haven't done it yet - perhaps you two can discuss with a professional using another more dependable type of permanent birth control.

Also, you are going to have to consider what is best for the child, because she is here. There is probably a great chance that she will come looking for you 18 years from now. Maybe sooner. Will you be prepared to give those answers and deal with more guilt and possible regret? And not regret that you and your husband feel about your lives - but regret for the feelings she may have of "missing out".

I think most of us here can respect the fact that you did not want to have children - hey many of us don't:), but of course now its about what choices you make now that the child is here. What's done is done.

Finally, as some of the other people have posted - postpartum depression is normal and could be elevating your feelings of "regret" for your child. It is a very real and common hormonal problem. And it can be devastating. You want to feel "something" but you just can't. You feel nothing. Or overwhelmed. Or sad. Talk to your physician about it, but I would try to give yourself perhaps another month to let your hormone levels re-balance themselves - and see where you're at. During this time you can still actively see the adoption agency and begin the process. You will still have plenty of time to make a final decision.

Now really finally:) If you decide to go with the adoption -- be prepared for a bit of backlash from some of those "judgmental" people in your life, but know that they do not have to live your life for you. They aren't going to have that love that child. Take care of her when she's sick. Teach her about life, love, and the world. When you make your decision. Own it. Stand behind it. Honor it. And you will be alright.

I wish you all the success in the world!
-Lisa

If you were - you and your husband may have chosen a more permanent birth control solution such as a vasectomy or having your tubes tied. Otherwise - there is always a huge risk of getting pregnant. So if you haven't done it yet - perhaps you two can discuss with a professional using another more dependable type of permanent birth control.

Considering that sterilization is so difficult to obtain for some people--even sometimes those in their 30s, those who even already have kids and don't want more, or those who desire it for medical purposes like having endometriosis and being in extreme pain--I can't agree that that's true. A person can TRY to find a doctor who will perform a sterilization upon them, but it may be impossible in their area, in which case they have to rely on whatever other methods they can utilize.

I hope you are running and not walking to the nearest woman's clinic to get a tubal ligation performed. Why haven't either of you been sterilized yet? Why do you want all of our sympathy if you haven't done this yet?

See my reply above yours. Sometimes it's not always possible.