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Oh RavynG!!! I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know people will hand out advice and tell you to "make him talk to them" or " you should leave". As if you can make your husband do anything he doesn't want to. And that is hard advice to take. Of course you married him because you love him and want to be with him. I took me a good solid 4 years to get my husband to actually stand up to his Mother. He has really come a long way and I truly hope that yours comes around. All I could do was just say things to him that planted a seed. I finally said to him, "you have to decide whose opinion of you matters more, mine or your mom's? I am your wife. I understand she is your Mother but I am your family now. I think you need to show some integrity." That hit home. Good luck to you!

It definitely is very hard for many kids to stand up to their parents and if they feel pressured into doing it it can make things even worse. I would really take this in stages.

First, you two are obviously a couple now so you have no obligation to go or do anything with the parents. It is always your choice. Instead of worrying about the holidays, I would find a place that your hubby has always wanted to go, and arrange to go there for the holidays as a special treat to him. The parents can hardly complain - it is a trip that he wants to take. That will give you some time away from them.

Then, make the next time you visit a non-holiday situation so it isn't as stressful - and make it on YOUR territory. People can get very territorial. So offer to invite them over to your place. That way it is your home, your rules, and you two are in charge. If they speak up or cause trouble in any way, it is FAR easier for you to say "that is inappropriate" if it is in your own house.

It can take a long time for parents to change - and maybe they never will. But if you give them gentle steps towards progress, maybe they will take them.

thank you all.
it has gotten way way worse than I have gone into here. the cops have been involved on a few occasions. However, I have a genetic disease that does not allow me to be in the sunlight and to always have sufficient glucose available--so going to a shelter or leaving is not possible at this time--I use a wheel chair part-time and have a companion service animal for seizure detection. I am disabled and have no job and very little money of my own.
He was very abused as a child and all of his issues with them are from this being unresolved--the abused child is often overly attached to the abusive parent(s). And they refuse to see us at our own home. And he WANTS to be with them. So I am really just trying to cope until he gets some therapy under his belt and can see for himself what they are. But out of all the reasons for these crazy people to hate me--i would never have thought it would be because we decided not to have children!
He is improving slowly. He asked me about Thanksgiving instead of assuming. And he knows I will never let him go to see them alone and he also knows that I am not putting up with his mother anymore and if she says anything to me I will give it right back to her. I already told him that Thanksgiving maybe more memorable than he will want it to be, and he has supported me the last couple of times. I used to let all her snide comments go and feel bad about them, not anymore--if she insults me I am going to repeat exactly what she said very LOUDLY in front of everyone and ask her if I got it right? Then SHE can explain and be embarrassed. If I repeat everything she says to me enough times and put her on the spot, maybe she will just shut up and leave me alone. That is my goal anyway.

Rayvn, I just want to let you know that we are all on your side. This is truly a difficult situation, but we're here for you. We're here to help you when you need it. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear RavynG,

Forgot on Your disability. It doesn�t make You be any less worthy person. In spirit we are all the same, love and lovable. Your husband should stand up for You. We are all imperfect and no one had perfect childhood, but there is NO apologize for his behaviour anyway. You are his wife, You should be on the 1 first place. And You should also respect Yourself after all. You should make some firm limits. I really think, You shouldn�t go there with him.

If he doesn�t know how to love You, teach him. Maybe thru Your self respect and limits he will hit the point and he will wake up. I do believe You, that You love him (otherwise You wouldn�t do this for him), but there shouldn�t be never somebody more valuable than You. Imagine also the situation backward. Would You let him to face criticisim and whatever else from Your parents? You wrote that copes were involved few times. It only shows, how much Your husband still has to learn.

And one more point. Your husband is not a child, so I don�t see any reason, why he couldn�t go to see his parents on his own. You are not Your husband�s mother, so I don�t really understand the point �And he knows I will never let him go to see them alone�. If he doesn�t like to go to see his parents, he doesn�t have to, if he likes, then he can go on his own and You don�t have to suffer.

he is not going to see them alone because the last time he went there they had his old girlfriend waiting for him. I might be good--but I am not that good! His parents issue the invitations in ways they know I can't come with him just so they can have him there by himself. I am not letting it happen again. They will all face the music, I have let it go for 8 yrs. now. This was not a good week end. sorry if I am negative--but right at the moment if I had the money I would leave him.

No, I understand her not wanting to let him go see his parents alone... If he already has attachment issues with his abusive parents, then letting him go alone lets them have him to themselves to take advantage of that attachment and fill his head with venom against his wife.... It might sound silly, but an adult who was abused as a child by his parents wants nothing more than to believe that they really do love him and that they really wouldn't hurt him and that they really want the best for him. Its a vicious cycle of guilt and pain and a desperate need to understand why people who are supposed to love and protect him could be so abusive. Children often transfer blame for their abuse to themselves, and in this case, it would very likely be very, very easy for his folks to make him believe that his wife is the only thing standing in the way of a happy, loving, normal relationship with his parents.

Its very, very hard to break the chains of an abusive family... I did it myself, and my husband doesn't let me go to see my parents by myself... In my case, its so that I don't have to face their venom against me on my own... They're awfully nice when he's around, but they turn into the Stepford family when he's not.

Dear RavynG,

I understand You, and I feel sorry for You. To be honest, maybe even me would act the same. I am just always getting angry, when I see woman suffer in similar situation like is Yours, when man for some reason doesn�t want or can�t to stand up for his woman, or if he abuses her for any reason. Maybe because my own mother had to go thru similar suffering (and she couldn�t leave her husband beside other reasons also for the money).

Wishing You lots of power and thinking of You. Let us know how ended up Your visit.

Ravyn I'm really sorry to hear about your plight. I agree with the others who say it is not acceptable for your husband to stand by and allow this continue - I do understand that he has issues with them and his past which he is working through BUT there comes a point where he is going to have to fight his corner - and in order to do that you have to stop playing the mother role to him. I understand only too well how easy it is to slip into such a role with a spouse who has unresolved issues and how it can get you thinking that you're needed to act in that way, but until you stop he is not ever going to stand on his own two feet. Sooner or later I fear that you are going to have to take a stand with him on this, and you know him best as to when he is best placed to physically cope with the paradigm shift.

Best of luck to you, we're all rooting for you.