BellaOnline Forums Food and Wine Etiquette Husband Can't "Keep Up" in Fast Dinner Party Chat

I have noticed that in various parts of the country, people are more laid back on certain things.

Here in OH, people get REALLY offended if they invite you to a party and you're unable to attend, even though you let them know in advance you won't be able to make it. Whereas when I was in CA, if you couldn't make it, it was no big deal and the host just kept going with the party.
And in VA, don't you dare let the party slip your mind! You're on the don't invite list from that point on as they take your not showing up as a snub. And then, when you invite them to your party to show "No hard feelings", they'll not show up to your party just to show you how if felt. (I felt they were acting like a bunch of babies!)

So I do think that values regarding parties and invitations change depending on part of the country you're in.

Yes, our "southern hospitality" is sometimes a thin veneer!
Although, it does seem to be getting a little better. The younger generations are easing up a bit, my mother and I are constantly in battles over what is "proper" for a party. I'm going, "Mom, I just want to have people over to talk and have a good time, not throw the social gala of the century!" But it's hard to get that "genteel southern belle" attitude out of some of the older generations. Y'all don't EVEN wnat to know about my grandmother!

Well, quite honestly I loved the southern hospitality, and didn't want to leave VA. I loved the fact that people would say hi to you on the street for no reason at all other than to be polite. You don't get that in too many other parts of the country. (And I know this is off topic, but I also loved the sweet Tea. In the Mid-West, you have to add sugar to your tea... and it's just not the same.)

I just think that with the south, etiquette takes on a whole new meaning. If you're aren't hospitable, then you're insulting their way of life. Etiquette is the rule that southerners live by, and southerners definitely do not like change. So changing rules of etiquette with the times and culture just doesn't happen in the South.

Things are getting a lot more laid back here, that is absolutely true. And I'm not suggesting that, should I tell someone that Will doesn't want to attend a gathering, my friend would be angry... They would, however, take an "I don't want to" very personally, and there would be hurt feelings because here, telling someone you don't want to attend their function insinuates that there is something wrong with their hospitality.

In an instance where the function is being thrown by a good friend, there is some leeway given for the peccadilloes of one's spouse... My close friends understand that Will is not always the most social of creatures. They have learned, after experiencing Will on an "off" night, that sometimes he's doing them a favor by opting out. They no longer question why he doesn't attend, and don't take his absence personally.

Unfortunately, in a situation where the host/ess isn't a close friend, or is a business acquaintance, opting out of a function requires a great deal of consideration... While no one here would take offense if you declined an invitation with enough notice (and a reason other than "I don't want to"), accepting an invitation and not showing, or waiting until the last minute to decline are both very quick ways to find yourself removed from everyone's invitation list. In a culture where social functions is where 90% of where all the business gets done, it doesn't pay to find yourself excluded from the social functions over something so easily avoided.

*grins* It can be irritating and frustrating to someone who isn't from here and who was not raised in this environment. I know people who were not born here, but who've lived here most of their lives who never "get" it, and I know people who have only been here a few years who take to it like ducks to a pond. Anyone who's not from here gets a little concession from the rest of us... "Oh, honey, she's not from here," after some harmless social gaffe is usually enough to get knowing nods from the rest of us and will usually result in us pretending the faux pas never happened. *grins*

Okay. I won't pretend to get any of it - totally not the circles I move in and I would have little patience for all that. I still think it would be very insecure of someone to question their hospitality or take things personally - haven't they themselves ever felt not social, or been dragged to things when they really just wanted to stay home and read?

But there are no real social functions where I live - people throw potlucks, mostly, and you come and go, and usually bring your dog. A different world. I like to throw theme/costume parties, and am usually just content when anyone shows up! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There were people who even treated my wedding with a casualness (not arranging a babysitter beforehand, thus not showing up with no notice)...and I didn't get offended. It's just life. Of course, I prohibited kids from attending, so maybe I offended THEM. I really can't let myself get screwed up over who is going to take offense at what - life is too hard and too short for nonsense. I know I am naive. But at least it feels more honest.

*smiles* It doesn't feel like effort, though, if you are raised in it... Its as second nature as breathing, most of the time.

Actually, you and I have something in common.... I prohibited kids from my wedding, too, which [censored] a lot of people off at the time. *grins* And my personal preference usually involves a much more laid-back style than I was raised to expect. I can throw some etiquette-heavy functions (my annual c'mas/hannukah/yule/holiday party is one such... its not formal, but its definitely a fancy party), but I'm happiest when people show up if they're gonna, bring a six pack and their pets, and kick back by the pool with us while whoever has an inkling fires up the grill.

I'm one of the few who really, really gets that the world is different North and West of the Mason/Dixon line... For a Southerner, I'm pretty laid back and open minded. But if its not me setting the table, then I have to remember that I'm also not the one setting the rules... And I wouldn't want to even try remembering the rules if I hadn't been fed 'em from the time I could talk.

Can you maybe change the subject? I mean, from the sounds of things, this guy is monopolizing the conversation with something HE finds interesting, and everyone else is being left out in the cold--which sounds like the real issue here. Changing the subject to something EVERYONE can participate in, and firmly not allowing him to change it back, could be a solution.