BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie (with kid)

I'm hoping its okay to post on here - I was a MNK until a year ago - and we know have a 3 month old son. He is (so everyone keeps telling me) a lovely baby. I do love him and I'm not suffering from PND but........

He is away this weekend with his father and I am sitting here close to tears, not because I miss them (another annoying assumption) but because I have had a breif glimpse of what my life used to be like and god do I miss it.

I feel very lonely and isolated as believe me you really daren't bring this up with anyone, your GP says you are depressed, other mothers think you're odd or a bad mother and its not the kind of thing you can admit to the general world.

If i had my time over agian I would never get pregnant. We did think long and hard about this - but in the end we made the wrong decision. I have no option now but to make the best of it and hope that in a few years time it will improve.

This isn't just a whinge, this is a warning. If you aren't 100% sure, if you're not a very maternal person, if you value your own space and find when your partner is away you have a whale of a time on your own; be very careful. Society pressure is tremendous, i'm only now realising just how much of my decision was influenced by that.

Basically its a jail sentance for 18+ years. There's no going back, you cna divroce a partner, chuck in a job, move home etc but you can't give a kid back once its yours.

Ria

I'm sorry to hear that. It's unfortunate that society imposes such strong pressure for people to have children without even thinking that it's an irreversible action. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Ria, please consider some counseling. You may very well not be depressed, but it sounds as if you have not bonded with your son because you regret your decision to have him. Infancy is a terribly draining time for a mother--even for those of us who bond quickly and fiercly with our kids and you need all the support you can get.

You do have options and choices now. Getting help in dealing with your feelings is one. You can take a chance that things will improve on their own, but they often get worse as time goes by. Getting help from the right person would help you learn to both have your own life and be a mother. Yes, your life will never be the same as it was, but that doesn't mean "sentencing" yourself to misery because you had a baby.

Adoption is another option. If you are certain that you do not want to be a mother, who says you can't find another mother for your son?

I am sorry for what you are going through and I wish you all the best in working it all out.

Ria,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

You sound like a very honest person and I am personally very happy to finally hear about a parent who regrets her decision. This is not what you deserved and I do feel sorry for you.

Try to find some comfort at the World Childfree Association. You can find them at www.worldchildfree.org. Send an email to Marije and tell her how you feel. Marije is really sweet. She is, like me, cf and sterilized, but she does not only support the cf, but also parents who regret their decision. Marije is very supportive and I am sure that she will be there for you. I also voluntarily work for her so feel free to PM me if you feel the need, but I think that the best thing to do is writing to her. She lives in Australia and trust me, she will reply to you and she will be there for you -- no doubt.

Yes, it is ok to post here!!!

Welcome Ria! My heart goes out to you hon. Feel free to come and post...we're all pretty nice here <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you all for your sympathy and help,

it helps just to be able to talk about it honestly and openly. I am trying to access some appropriate help to work through the feelings of resentment so that they don't blight his life, unfortunatly my GP just says it PND and that I'll feeel better soon. Whilst I do feel depressed at times its an entirely different cause to PND (which seems to be mainly chemical/tiredness etc) I simply made a lifechaigng decision based on the information i had at the time - and it has turned out to be wrong.
I can't change it, so i need to find ways of coming to terms with it.

For variuos reasons adoption isn't an option.

The bright side is having a very supportive husband who will play a large role in the childrearing over the years. Also I do actulaly like kids - and so I hope once he gets a bit older I will enjoy time with him.

*hugs* to everyone

Ria

I signed up for this group specifically so I could respond to you. Hopefully you've found out by now that you have really surrounded yourself with people who are going to be here for you if you need them. I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time. I hope you're getting help from your doctor and counselor to get you through this. Hopefully, it will end up being PND and you will come out of it feeling better about your situation. I also hope your husband will support you through this time.

I admire your honesty and courage. Take care of yourself.

CBS

Ria,

I had a friend who got pregnant when young and unmarried and her mother talked her into having the baby. That was 20 years ago. It was hard for her, she always had no doubt she loved her daughter but she hated being a mother.

She didn't get professional counseling for this until her daughter was in her early teens, and both she and the daughter were in a bad state from her not getting help sooner. Be sure to find someone who can help you through this, and also, I encourage you to discuss how you feel with your husband. It would be better if he knows how you really feel, and participates in supporting you in this rough time.

I know how you feel. Not from personal experience but through my sister. Her and her husband talked for a long time about having kids. Then she got pregnant and was so happy. But two days after the birth of her daughter she got PPD. She didn't want the baby. She didn't want her around her at all. When she cried my sister would cry. She finally got help after we pushed her to do it. With the help of Zoloft she did feel better. It helped her to sort out how she was feeling about being a mom while the medication helped her do it in a more controlled state of mind. Now she has a son and is majorly stressed out with two little ones. The good thing is she does talk to me about how she feels. She is very honest about it. It does her good to get away too. She comes to stay with me for a night every couple of months. We call it her mommy vacation. Where she can come watch movies and talk and eat and have fun without the worries of kids needing her. I personally think she shoud have stopped at one. She was just getting into being a mom and loved her daughter very much. Now with two it is harder work and she's back to how she felt about not being able to do it. When she's stressed out she doesn't reach out to anyone. You really need to reach out and talk to someone about this. It doesn't have to be a Dr, it can be your mom, another fmaily member, a friend. You'll find out that most moms have felt this way at one point or another. It's just important that you talk to someone about it. It does help those confusing feelings get better!

First I want to say that I admire your courage to post your feelings here, and I hope you will reach out to someone, family, clergy, Dr., etc. and get some help to make you feel better.
In certain parts of you post I felt like you were speaking directly to me. I'm not 100% sure I want kids, and I LOVE having my time alone. That's one of the things I fear the most that if I had kids I would end up depressed because I would have no time for myself & hobbies, etc. Also, you are so right about the pressure from society. I think it's terrible how people think everyone should have kids, and don't respect some people's decision to stop & think before doing it. Most people put more thought into buying a new car than they do having children and I think that's sad.
Anyway, thanks for your very candid post Newbie, I know you made me think about some things and know that you can always post here when you need an "ear"! Best of luck to you...