BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Catholicism Angry Father

Hey, I try to be good, but he wants an angel. I want to have fun with my father, but he yells all the time and throws fits over stuff like this: I said I wanted to go to the pizza store. Once there, I didn't find anything I was in the mood of. So, my dad gets all angry and takes away all the priveliges I have. Someone gimme some advice! <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

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I felt the same way with my parents. Now that I am one, I try to do better, but it still seems like we miss each other somehow.

Look at the pizza thing for example: What else had gone on with your Dad that day? Had his boss crawled his back, did he and your Mom (or his wife) get into a fight, did he get a ticket? Did he just sit thru 1 1/2 hrs of traffic, turn around take you to the pizza place and then have you say "never mind"? In the normal course of things it would seem like no big deal, but depending on the circumstances around it, it just may have been one more "log on the fire".

The very best thing to do is sit down with your Dad and talk. Pick your timing well. Don't hit him right after work. Wait 'till a time when he's fairly relaxed (although not in the middle of his favorite game if he's a sports fanatic), don't whine and don't complain, talk. Tell him how you feel. Listen to his responses, repeat his responses back to him, example:

you: Dad, I feel like I'm never good enough to please you. It seems like you are always criticizing me about something.

Dad: I want you to be your best, I don't think you give it everything you've got. (Remember I don't know your Dad)

you: So, you don't think I'm trying hard enough?

Dad: No, I don't, not always.

you: Well, what about my science project last year? I spent 3 weeks working on the thing. I did my research, I followed the instructions, and I worked on my display for a week. But I only got a B. I felt like I did my best on it.

Dad: (hopefully he will say) You're right, you did put a lot of work into that.

Okay that's like a fairy land conversation, but you get the idea of how to repeat his words back to him and how to respond. No whining, no sarcasm, no crying (well maybe a little's okay), no screaming or yelling, no walking off in a huff. If you carry on the conversation in an mature manner, no matter what he says, and especially if he ticks you off, then he will begin to respect you. One conversation is probably not going to turn the tables, but it will HELP to get you started in the right direction.

Thanks so much, Michelle. Sorry I sounded so mad, it's just that I really do try to be good, but my father never seemed to realize that. I definitely will try what you said. It sounds like great advice! Thanx a million!!! <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" /> [color:"blue"] [/color]

Let me know how things work out, and if you need to vent, give me a "yell". Maybe we'll do the inter-child thing, you come talk to me, my son will talk to your Dad. What do you think? <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'll be praying for you.

Hi! I talked to my father this morning. He was just talking about things, then, I lead him to the conversation you said I should have with him. I told him that he wants me to be perfect and every little thing I do, he yells at me. He said that he'll try to be less harsh on me. He said that I can tell him anything, even if it's embarrassing. Also, I was going to ask you for help on my younger sister. She has a really bad temper and bullys everyone around. Well, not bullys, just acts mean. But, my dad said he'll take care of it. In August, we're going to Niagara Falls. (first time!) I just know it'll be super with my family. And, also, maybe it was my fault too. I guess, if things didn't go my way, I ran out of whatever room I was in and went into my room and slammed the door. Thanks sooooooooooo much! You may have changed my life forever.

KIT!! Perella <img src="/images/graemlins/kiss.gif" alt="" />

Oh you go girl!!!!!!
I am so happy for you. I have had you in my prayers. Things won't always be smooth sailing, but as long as y'all (everyone) remembers that you love each other you can overcome anything. Have fun in Niagra, I hear it is georgous!

My boyfriend is the same way with his daughter. He has horrible coping skills when it comes to stress. He gets himself stressed out and then takes it out on those around him. A lot of the time he causes his own stress, like waiting until last minute to write a paper he has known about for a month, and then yells at everyone around him because he "doesn't have enough time to get everything done."

It is even worse when his daughter is around. She is about to turn 8 and is a high needs child. She is not disabled or anything she just has the energy of two 8 year olds. She is VERY immature for her age and I think it is because everyone underestimates her ability so she is never given the opportunity to grow, emotionally and cognitively.

Her energy and immaturity combined with his inability to deal with stress results in him yelling at her a lot. I try talking to him all the time about it and he says he it trying to work on it but I see no change. I encouraged him to take a stress management class but he refused. She is young right now and just knows that he is daddy and she loves him, but as she gets older his behavior can start to erode thier relationship. I have told him that. One day when she is older she may write him off because he was always so cruel. My father was a lot like that when I was young and now as an adult the only reason I talk to him at all is because my mom lives with him and I want to talk to her and see her.

Yes, there's a huge difference there. Perella is old enough to stand up for herself and hold her own in a conversation (and it sound like she did an excellent job!). An 8 year old is just not capable of that.

Seeing as how you are also looking in the Catholic section, do you guys attend Mass and confession on a somewhat regular basis? i'm not asking to be nosy, merely to find out if you attend a church where your boyfriend would be comfortable speaking with a clergyman (it doesn't have to be Catholic). I'm not a genious. The advice I gave Perella wasn't something i came up with off the top of my head (sorry, Perella, hope I'm not spoiling any illusions here <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). It actually came from a counselor that my son sees because of his Asperger's.

You may be too close to the situation for your boyfriend to truly listen to you. Also, stress management courses are great, IF you have a way of implementing them afterwards. If he could speak to another guy, get involved in some physsical activities to let off the stress of work, that might help the situation. FYI The body responds to stress just like it responds to danger with the fight-or-flight response, adrenaline, except instead of getting a huge, short burst, you get a small, steady stream. Adrenaline is not meant to stay in the system, it is meant to be burnt off in physical activity. In men particularly, if it is not burnt off, it causes a rise in testosterone, and a rise in temper. Tell your boyfriend there's a scientific reason he's popping off at his daughter. It's not his fault, it's not her fault, no one is to blame, but they need to work to fix it so that this lovely little girl can have a wonderful loving family. Heck, if she's as active as you say, everybody go play soccer or go rollerblading, that'll wear both of 'em out!

To answer your first question neither one of us attends any kind of church services. We both believe in god and try to be good people but we are both anti-religion. I stumbled into this forum because of the title "Angry Father."

I am a kinesiologist (which means the art and science of human movement)specializing in sports medicine so I live, eat, and breathe health. My boyfriend has picked up many of my healthy habits. He lifts weights a few times a week and until the weather turned into 104 degree days he would put his daughter on her bike and go for a jog with her. He also does interval sprinting twice a week so he is getting exercise.

I disagree that it is not his fault. It is completely his fault, he is in control of his own actions. One major problem in this country is that no one takes responsiblity for thier own actions. Too often are the word "you made me" said. No one makes anyone do anything. He needs to learn how to cope with stress instead of taking it out on those he claims to love.

We went on a weekend trip to the coast recently and all he did was yell at his poor daughter all day. He freaked out on her for getting dirty at the beach. She is a kid, kids get dirty. He was a grump the whole day and ruined everyone's fun. The next day he was an angel and even built a sand castle with her. Some time he is like Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde. His mood swings are getting more and more difficult to handle and talking to him doesn't seem to be doing any good.

I didn't mean to imply trying to blame it on someone else, I simply thought if he was under a lot of stress at work taking the blame off of him in this area and putting it on the medical area might be an easier way to approach him.

But.... it sounds like in your situation, that won't work (that's the problem w' my advice i never know the full story, I apologize) <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

If his mood swings are that bad have you considered manic/depression (the jekyll/hyde of depression), or I hate to say it, possibly drugs (please don't take offense).

I suffer from depression, and though I have it under control now, before I realized what it was it affected my whole life. I was SOOOOO short tempered, adn I couldn't hardly stand to be around people, and my beautiful cheerful 7 year old daughter's giggle and endless chatter absolutely drove me insane if I was in one of my "bile black days", and I would find myself yelling for no reason at all. I look back on that time with a lot of shame and I do my best to make it up to her now, but I wish someone would have pointed it out to me then.

If nothing else, just keep giving her your love. Have tea parties and do girlie stuff, she will really appreciate it later in life. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />