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Gurdjieff people seem to talk about "the work" a lot. I still haven't been able to get much of substance from what he told me other than that there were many disciplines practiced. Since he likes hard work, this must have appealed to him.
Yes, I am visual, and from what I observe, so is he. Boy! He can take in a whole scene in about a second.
I love the idea of meditating while connected. Maybe that would be just the thing. I never thought of it.
Thanks.

Susan, that's a great idea! Maybe we could both think about our son and he might slip into the mode without that "performance anxiety." (I know that's what it is. He _would_ get anxious, and reassurance would only increase it.)
Next time we're alone and the mood is right, I'm going to see if he wants to give it another go.
Even though I had always found it pretty easy to meditate, I was totally unable to "go there" for a couple of years after my dad died. I meditated once a couple of days after the funeral and saw swirls of green, then rose, then red...each color distinct and in gentle swirls, but no white, no bright, no fireworks. And then I saw nothing for several years. I was desolate. It's starting to come back, but the character of it is different. I haven't had any of the fireworks; it's more gentle. And I've had a lot more body business to take care of, so I guess I've not been on a very high level.
When I was at my best, though, I could fly among the stars! Sometimes it was so good, it was really, really scary.

I won't know anything about the job for two weeks, but since they can't find anyone in this area I have a pretty good chance! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I have no regrets. We had three wonderful years together and although our time was far too short, he was the most wonderful love of my life. Living with him taught me so much, and he was such an amazing human being - he'll inspire me for the rest of my life.

He gave me much more than I could ever give him. Losing him has been so incredibly painful, but this is another reason I know that he was my soulmate. When he died, I felt as though half of myself had been ripped away. I have actually been in real, physical pain.

Still having computer kablooeys <img src="/images/graemlins/computer.gif" alt="" /> so I'll be back to comment on the other stories <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for popping in with the advice Susan <img src="/images/graemlins/easter.gif" alt="" />

Mary Ellen the fireworks are great, but don't judge your level of spiritual development by them. I suspect you have been quietly making good progress on your path. Jessica Macbeth in her excellent guide to meditation 'Moon Over Water' explains that the visuals aren't the main goal of the meditator & the real value of meditation lies beyond these (shucks).
I hope you and your man have a go at matching the breath. Just don't blame me for whatever happens afterwards <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


It strikes me that you are in need of a good healer Parthena. Feeling the pain has made the whole experience very vivid, but your hubby wouldn't want you to suffer any pain I'm sure. Do you have anyone experienced that you can trust?


Sounds pretty promising <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Let us know.

Good luck with the job, Parthena! If you want it, let it be the best one you've ever had.

I feel your loss, and I wish you so much tangible evidence that he is still with you that you know the joy and peace that accompany spiritual union.

Here's one for you. After dad died, DH and I were driving past the cemetery. I mused to John, "I wonder what Dad would want on the headstone?" Quick as thought, Dad's voice was in my ear, booming, "I was right!"

To know him was to know how much "him" this was. The tone, the volume, the accent, and the content...all him, not me. Though we are alike in many ways, that reflexive, boasting yet accurate, explosion of thought was (and is) nobody but my dad. There have been many, many such episodes involving people who have passed on and I take them as real.

Sometimes there is a little "warning" before someone passes on, and it's a kindness so I am not taken totally unawares when I get news. I don't recognize it until after, though, thankfully, so I'm not worrying about everyone all the time. <img src="/images/graemlins/beamedup.gif" alt="" />

Peace,
Mary Ellen

Thanks, {{{Mary Ellen}}} I'm a bit disappointed in the job but it'll do until my "real" job expands into full time.

And thanks so much for the encouragement. Most days I feel so close to him and almostt always feel him just on the "edge" of my dreams - in fact, he's inspired the last 3 or 4 articles I've written; all of them have come from dreams I've had.

Yes, there were signs and I didn't want to see it or deal with it. While I probably would have been even more stressed and worried, it was always in the back of my mind so I was worried and stressed anyway. I wish I'd dealt with it differently. Live and learn, I guess....

We had a little under three years, and I'd always thought it would be longer. Our handfasting was so magical I just didn't see that our life together wouldn't be long and perfect and I'm still in shock.

I was in a lot of pain after my first husband and I separated. He was my first love and there were other painful things involved, but this is pain on a different level. It's hard to put it into words.

It's raised a lot of questions for me and I suppose that is good for my spiritual growth, but I'd rather he was still here.

I don't think anyone could expect anything else from you. The bit that was good for your spiritual growth was the depth of the relationship itself. Those last three years will have moved both of you along so far together.

These are early days & you mustn't expect too much of yourself. You will move onwards, the pain will gradually fade over time & you will be left with the warmth of your memories & the knowledge that he is around you.

Thanks {{{Lauren}}} I'm taking my time.

I had a down day on Tuesday and asked him for help. On Wednesday, I pulled up to one of my calls and got what I'm sure was a sign from him -

When we'd first met, he made me laugh when he said he wanted to get a "hanging Jew" for his deck. This is a type of coleus plant commonly known as a "wandering Jew."

From the wooden awning hung about six of the biggest plants I've ever seen, around 2 feet in diameter and 4 feet in length. I just gasped and said, "Baby, look at all those hangin' Jews!" <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm...replied to your post before Parthena, but post doesn't seem to have made it onto the forum <img src="/images/graemlins/computer.gif" alt="" />

Anyhow, I think you were *meant* to see the plants too. Why don't you buy some & make tending them a special time to think of him?

Okaaaay, Parthena, just before I read your post, I was studying the pair of hanging pots with Wandering Jews, Moses in the Cradle, and Swedish Ivy, all woven together. What's unususal? When I stuck the slips of these plants into these two identical pots in the spring, I did something I never do; I hung them cockeyed off the same plant-hanger (a wrought iron squirrel). That would bother me, them being so close together and crooked like that. (Okay, I'm a little compulsive about some things.) Anyway, these plants are very important to me, as they are all great, great...great-grandchildren of my mother's plants. I keep slips in water over winter and plant anew on New Year's Day, every year without fail.

Now, looking up at those two cockeyed pots, the only thing I can see is the lush growth of these three plants as each has made way for the other and they all get their share of the sun. They have woven into a beautiful collage of purples and green.

Mom passed nearly 20 years ago, but I keep as many of her original plants as I can. It comforts me, and it helps keep her memory in the forefront, even when I'm not thinking about her.

Yep, I'd call that Wandering Jew a sign. They're all around, even when we make them ourselves. What's a sign but a reminder to remember? So much of the grief we feel is the fear that we will forget the love we've had. It's a raw thing, and any ritual that warms the heart will help it to heal.

When DH and I met, he laughed (with glee, not derision) at my "altars." I'd never thought of them as that (then), but indeed he saw them for what they are, little places with precious memories or intentions.

I guess a plant in a pot can be a kind of altar as well, eh?

XOX,
Mary Ellen

P.S. ...don't overwater