BellaOnline Forums Family Attachment Parenting handling "I want, I want, I want!" age?

How do you handle it when your child throws a fit because he/she doesn't get to watch a video/dvd for the 3rd time that day, or when he/she absolutely won't get dressed and you -gotta- get going so you won't be late for work?

I have a 2 year old boy, and we're having a rough time these days. He gets to decide many things that a child can decide (what he wants to wear, what he wants to eat on his bread and so on). Still, he's having rage attacks every day, often many times a day. Getting dressed is no fun, no matter how much his father and I joke and try to make it better. We need help to figure out how to handle our boy when he's in these rage attacks.

From the day they were born i have give my daughters what they need not what they want. my eldest is nearly 4 and she is at a demanding stage but because i have told her no she knows that thats the final answer.
I think you need to tell you son no more often - i think you should give him rewards when he is good and tell him off when he is bad.

H x

Redirecting unwanted behavior works well ("Maybe you can play with your blocks until you can decide which DVD you want").

Anoher effective tool is to offer more choices. Toddlers in particular, because they are not completely able to articulate *exactly* what they want to say often feel out of control. So, give your child control over what they *can* control: "Would you like to watch Cinderella or Elmo?" "Do you want the red shirt or the blue?" "Which would you like: carrots or peas?" It's not "what time to you want to go to bed?" or "Do you want vegetables or pizza??" Vegetables are healty & having them or not isn't an option, which ones to have *is* an option. Sleeping or not isn't an option, what story to read before bedtime is!

After awhile, 2 things will happen: 1) your child feels more in control & can give up the tantrums and 2) time takes care of things in that they become more verbal and adept at expressing what they want!

We already let him decide things he as a 2 1/2-year-old can decide, and he gets a lot of positive reinforcement. Actually we've had to cut down on choices, because he became confused. That was done quite some time ago, so that's not a problem now. Redirecting him from the things he's not allowed to do doesn't work, and no doesn't work either. He's one stubborn little boy! I guess he's got it from both his father and me. Hehe... Ie a veeery stubborn little one :-p I'm trying to stay positive, and am looking for other ways to get him for example to stop opening the door to the oven (he understands that it can be dangerous, but he doesn't want to listen). He also climbs on the pipes for the radiators, and that is an absolute no-no, and how can we get him to stop that? There are many other things too, but I can't sit here and write much longer.

I must say that my boy is also very happy and enjoys playing calmly too, so it's not all trouble :-)

I have found that giving kids too many choices can often lead to frustration for the child and more tantrums. There is a balance between being too controllng with no choices and being too hands-off too soon and overwhelming a toddler with choices. Many two year olds still need a lot of direction and someone to set the pace. Perhaps picking out the clothing is too overwhelming for your child?

My suggestion is to try fewer options or different options. For example, pick out the clothes and tell him it's time to get dressed now but allow him the choice to dress himself (if able) or to have you dress him. Or if dressing himself takes forever, allow him the choice to put on his own socks or shorts. Or take the choices out of the equation entirely. Just nonchallantly pick out the clothes yourself and make a fun game of getting dressed with a song to go with it. Be silly. Make it enjoyable and don't focus on choices at all.

As for those inevitable tantrums, I think the key is to remain calm yourself. Every child seems to need different things during a tantrum. A two year old does not have the life history or skillset to vent his frustration in "adult" ways yet but the way he can learn that the fastest is by you modeling it and remaining composed and calm during his tantrum. Use words to express his emotions for him so he can learn those words. Offer to leave him alone. Offer a hug. Don't forget humor! Some kids hate it, but others love silliness during a tantrum and will get over it a lot faster with some Mommy antics!

No is no and then validate the feelins. But if it can be "yes" be generous. The best guidance on this I have ever read is in the book, Raising Our Chidlren, Raising Ourselves (amazon has it). I really love that book. It transformed our family life. We had huge problems with one of our children. No more. This book is so powerful, clear, kind and loving. My children now behave so well. What a relief.

maybe you have to be firm and impose things on him... say no and mean it.

I would have to agree no is no. Even if it the hardest thing to do. We all just need to say no.

Get that book. I got a lot of advice from parents with my tyranical firstborn. It was all nice but nothing really worked till the book and really learning to understand him. Underneath "I want I want..." there is another hidden need.
I don't know what it is for your child, but if you read that book, YOU will know. Nothing helps until we know what the child really needs or what drives him. Then we can do something about the actual source of the problem.
Like I said, I tried for a long time to avoid reading another book or listening to CD and thought that forums and friends will give me all the advice I need. Then I listened
to Babies and Toddlers, to Tame or to Trust (by same author/speaker) and later her book and believe me you will learn things that you will never think about on your own or with friends. Just my experience of course.