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A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up.

Warning! This is a TRUE STORY:

After a young man had grown up and become a man, he and his father were seated in front of the TV, during a football game. During halftime exercises, his dad remarked, "Son, every time I gave you a whipping when you were bad, you would go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that."

Without taking his eyes off the TV, the young man replied, "I was just getting even with you, for whipping me."

The father, startled, replied, "How? By cleaning the toilet?"

"No", the son answered, "by scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Logic???

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.. On my desk I have a work station...

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

O.K., who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D.

The blonde driver is searching through her purse and asks the cop, "What does it look like?"

The cop says, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.

She hands it to the cop and after a few seconds looking into the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the driver and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

The first Canadians are debating over what to name their country.

The first one says, "Let's start out with a C, eh?"

The second one replies, "Then let's continue on with an N, eh?"

The third one says, "And let's end with a D, eh?"

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"

"No, I guess not, " says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, " Why did you let him do that?"

To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"

A True Story.... if she had killed herself -- God forbid -- she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina - maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.(wait for it......)

(REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......)

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

TENDJEWBERRYMUD

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation. Read aloud for best results.

"Tendjewberrymud"

Be warned, you're may find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for a best email award!

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. [censored] ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"