BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree by choice?

AMEN Kat1980!! I couldn't have said it any better myself!! I can't tell you how many times I have heard some woman insist that our only purpose on this Earth is to breed. I genuinely pity people like that....what a sad existence their life must be.
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There seem to be a million different people with a million different viewpoints. When I stand here at that proverbial "fork in the road" and know that I'm going to walk down the one towards being CF (I'm almost 36), I realize how completely different the experience of having kids is from not having kids and no wonder there are such differences in opinion.

I for one feel like there's a little grieving to do for some of us who choose to be CF. Mine isn't necessarily a decision based on wanting or not wanting kids, it has more to do with the realization that having a child is the biggest fight of one's life- guiding them safely through this difficult and unpredictable world to adulthood seems like the biggest, riskiest job I could ever choose to do, and I just feel like I'm not really up for the fight. My own childhood was difficult- I have a mother who chose to have 5 kids because she thought it would get her the security of a man, but she was miserable because all it got her, really, was 5 kids to take care of. She never really knew or valued herself, and in turn had a hard time valuing us or teaching us to find value in ourselves. And my big fight as an adult is learning to value myself- I really feel like I have no business having kids while in the midst of a struggle to "find myself", because I don't want to have to dump all of my [censored] on them. To me, spending my life learning to love and appreciate my life on my own terms feels like my best possible path. And I feel that is a very big and difficult decision. It's got happy and sad all mixed up in it.

Anyway- that's what I want to say. One more different take on being CF!
: )
Anne

"On the physical level, you are obviously not whole, nor will you ever be: You are either a man or a woman, which is to say, one-half of the whole. On this level, the longing for wholeness - the return to oneness - manifests as a male-female attraction, man�s need for a woman, woman�s need for a man. It is almost irresistible urge for union with the opposite energy polarity." Eckhart Tolle

I am in total agreement with Anne. I feel that I have had a similar upbringing to you and just feel that I am not the best qualified to be a parent, similar to how one requires certain skills to have a certain profession. If there was not as much social stigma being placed on childfree people, I think there would be far less children who have to survive childhoods receiving inadequate attention to their needs, or abuses much worse.

forest123,
Exactly. If, just like with birth control, people were given ALL the options they have in life regarding procreation up front and if all options were treated with the same respect, maybe people would really take the time to think about what is their best path, and know that ANY path that feels right for them is a good choice.

I would much rather "let go" of this option and feel a certain amount of sadness about it, than to do it just because "I should" and take the risk of it turning into an exact repeat of my own childhood. Because I know it's hard, and "just don't let that happen again" is much easier to say than to really do.

My bf and I are mindful to tell his daughter, who is 8 and insist that she wants kids, that she doesn't *have to* have kids. We want her to know that it is an *option* and not just "how it is".

Her mother became a baby factory after high school and just had her 4th kid, even though she can't even manage to take her oldest to the dentist when she desprately needs to go. <img src="/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> So this little girl thinks that woman should have lots of kids. I told her several times that that I will never have kids and my bf reminds her that she will be his only child.

Interesting topic. Child-free by choice? Well, yes and no. DH and I wanted children from the beginning. We married while we were both still in college, which seemed like a really dumb idea in retrospect, but worked out fine. We had been trying to have a child for 5 years, seeking help from a number of doctors and stopping shy of IVF. The TTC community has ostracized me for not doing everything in my power to breed, but I just couldn't take being a science experiment any more. So, I've decided to look at the silver lining: enjoy my clean house, extra disposable income, and ability to take off to Tahiti on a whim. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll come home from the grocery store where hell spawn were misbehaving everywhere and shout, "Thank G-d I'm barren!!"

I didn't know there were 6 more pages to this topic and I spent way too much time crafting a zinger for Katrinae. Now I'm editing the post to cover up what a nerd I am. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

~jen

Don't worry Shrinky, feel free to post about how totally warpred Katrinae is. We all have.


Kate

Gosh. I've just read through all of the above and identified with so much of it. I'm 46, married and child free - it was a decision I made a long time ago, but have recently been questioning , now that it's too late to change my mind! Reading this forum has reminded me why I made the decision in the first place, and made me realise that my current uncertainties are just a case of 'wanting what you can't have just cos you can't have it' if you see what I mean! I'd not re-examined my choice for years, but a friend and her husband have just (unsuccessfully) gone through their third IVF attempt, and it got me thinking when the friend was explaining that she couldn't imagine life without kids at some time in the future.

My family have never questioned my decision, and my husband has a daughter from a previous marriage (he's not seen her since she was 2, she's 19 now) and has no desire for more children, so I've never really had my decision challenged, nor been made to feel in any way unnatural. I too have seen friends change totally once they have kids - and have agonised with them over teenage problems later on! It's not something I would want for myself - and I'm not too proud to say that yes, I am selfish, and I don't want to share my time and resources with children! Far better to acknowledge that aspect of myself than to go ahead and have a kid, and then be a bad mother to it!

Anyway, it's good to be amongst others who think along similar lines - I neither want nor need a child to validate my life. I enjoy spending a day with friend's children once every three months or so, after which I feel like lying down for a long time in a darkened room! They're fun, but exhausting, and I couldn't even begin to imagine dealing with their energy levels on a daily basis. There is a difference between not wanting children of one's own, and disliking children in general.

Jo

[color:"purple"]Well I'm going back to the original question because there is just too much here to touch on. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DH and I are childfree by choice. I can't say that we ever regret it. We just enjoy our lives and our marriage and that is minus kids. We like to be able to pick up at a moments notice and leave if we want to without finding a baby sitter, or having to drag the kids along.

It's nice to have found another board on being CF. There sure aren't many out there - but there are tons of women ooohing and ahhhing over how CUTE their kids are. Bleck.

~Jennifer~[/color]