BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree by choice?

Hi everyone,
I am childless by choice and I'm 43. I love children and wanted them when I was 29, but that phase ended a year later, thank goodness! Don't get me wrong, if I had felt that I was able to provide the things that I believe children should have and we didn't live in such a moraless and corrupt society, I would have gladly had children. But, I know myself and I know that I would have turned into a neurotic parent who overnurtured and worried too much, turning my children into a the same type of neurotic! My brother did that with his girls too.
My question to you all is this:
How many of you have friends who decided to have a child and once they do, they seem to judge you like you're a self absorbed person and yet, you can clearly sense some kind of regret on their part or perhaps even jealousy that they you are single? I have so many friends who seem annoyed that they have children now. It makes me ill. I even have a friend who makes earns well over 200k a year and she and her husband put their baby in daycare on their days off so they can have fun. See, I think that is criminal and I feel for the kids. Why have kids? Why do people think they must have children and then treat them like that by neglecting them and having other people raise them? IT's too bizarre to me.
Oh, and the other thing is people think I'm ignorant about children and how to care for them and oh, the struggles! I was a nanny for a few years and believe me, I think it is THEY who don't know the first thing about loving and raising a child. Rule number one......stay home and take the time to raise your own children if you have them and secondly, if you can't afford to, then don't have them!
I know that sounds self righteous and perhaps simple but it is a choice, right?
Agape,
Eliza

Welcome, Eliza! The more the merrier!!!
I totally agree with everything you're saying.
I have one or two friends who have a child now and we talk about them a lot. They keep saying things like "you're so lucky you don't have a baby, you can just go and do XXX" or similar things. I know what they mean because I DO feel happy but it has been my choice and nothing to do with luck. I just wonder if they'll continue to feel this way because if they do then this will definitely rub off on their children. How does a child feel if they get the feeling that their parents would rather be doing something else?
It is a difficult decision to make - whether you decide to have children or not, there is no perfect decision and nobody can guarantee that you won't ever have any regrets.
B.

Welcome, Eliza. I know what you mean, though I haven't encountered it too often. I have run into people who tried to make me feel guilty for my choices but I've become a bit more aggressive about defending my right to choose. Actually, I've had more problems with the childfree issue in the last 12 years or so that prior. I'm not really sure if it's an overall social change or if it's a regional thing (I moved from Southern Calif to the Midwest)but it's puzzling sometimes. I also have a hard time understanding women who can't seem to let go of their kids. And I mean when the kids are in their 30s and 40s. I just don't have what it takes to live for and/or through someone else, I guess.

jeez im late to this one!
im only 22 and I get the ridiculous "youll want kids soon" bull. i know girls i went to school with with 4 kids. truly. in fact, a LARGE amount of girls i went to high school with have kids or are married and planning. Its so...totally...weird. of course, this is indiana im talking about. im in texas now, but theres a similar vibe here, people just go to college to date and get married, not high school.
im from san diego originally...it wasnt a cultish feeling of marriage/family/babies...
but im not really concerned right now. were not having them, im not a trophy wife! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
people buy into pressure like its going out of style these days. i dont just hate children; i love animals and the earth and dumping another mouth to feed onto this planet doesnt sit well with me. there are countries with a birth rate of 8 children per woman. here, its nearly 3 per woman. i wont contribute to the demise of humans or any other species.
i also hate the yuppie mentality. they get married the second they graduate college, have 2.5 children, and continue to litter the planet with SUV exhaust and boring, stupid children.

i am pretty extreme, but i get mad.

I think all of you here have a right to not want children and you all have the right to live your life however YOU please. TO EACH THEIR OWN!!

I am a married 25 y/o woman and a mother to a 1.5 year old little boy and let me tell ya, I can't imagine life without him..HOWEVER..there are times when I miss being single..(not only childless, but husbandless!) But I enjoy my family and I love being a mother to my child and a wife to my husband and I work part-time, so I'm still able to enjoy my freedom and enjoy adult conversation..and when I'm at work, my husband is off work, so my son is still able to be rasied at home by a parent...

..but not everyone chooses to live their life like that and they shouldn't be looked down upon because they choose not to. For those of you who experience [censored] from your friends/loved ones about not wanting to start a family, trust that it probably *IS* pure jealousy..because they all wish they could have the total freedom in their lives that you've got! More power to ya!

Btw..the "trophy family" - i dont even think there is such a thing! (and if there is, I'd like proof please!! <img src="/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> )

I got married when I was 39, and my husband was 36; it was the first marriage for both of us. We talked it over before we got married, and decided it was too late in our lives to start a family. I'm 45 now, and I don't regret not having children for an instant...yet I've been called 'selfish' for not wanting a child. I don't understand why being honest about not wanting children would be considered 'selfish'; when I was younger and still single I had no desire to be a single parent. I knew too many single parents, and I saw what they went through. I had to cancel plans, work on my day off, or stay at work late more than once because the parents in my office either had sick kids or some kind of 'kid' thing going on, yet when I wanted them to cover for me because I had special plans, I got lectures about how I was being inconsiderate of them.

HI CJS,
I definitely know what you mean about staying longer at work or covering for someone.
In my team of 9 I have 4 mothers and guess who I can ask to cover when someone is sick or to work on a public holiday? Well, it'll have to be one of the childfree people.
Only one of my direct colleagues with whom I have to arrange work and covering certain times at work has a child, the other doesn't so it's not too bad in that respect. But I'm dreading Christmas this year, we'll have to work between Christmas and New Year, at least one of us has. I know the father will want time off with his child as it's their first Christmas as a family and my other colleague's partner works away from home a lot and Christmas is the only holiday they have off together. But then, I've been working between Xmas and New Year for the past 3 years.
So, what's fair?! I'm determined this year to fight and demand my right to take this time off for once even though I don't have children and my partner does not work away from home. But we'll have to see how it goes...
B.

I am CF as is my DH!

Hello! I just found this board today. I am a 39 yr old married woman and CF by choice. I never had a strong desire to have a baby, with a few exceptions--at age 12 so I could "grow up" faster; again at age 15 because I was "in lurve and thought I could hang on to my Johnny and we could get married"; and briefly right after I got married because I envied all the attention and gifts my pregnant friends were getting. Fortunately I realized that once all the baby showers were over, that I would be the one left holding the diaper pail. I look forward to talking to everybody. And Matt, I know you posted a long time ago, and I just wanted to say that I hope you are hanging in there and finding peace in your life.

My husband and I have been married 13yrs. We were married right after college and before starting our grad. programs. I was starting my master's degree and my husband his Ph.D. We have never wanted kids and now we are ok w/ being 35 & 39yrs. and kidless.

Look at Opera Winfrey you can have a fab. life w/out kids. We love our feedom & have friends who made the same choice. We have two other couples we pal around with because we can all do things at the last minute. (drinks, dinner, lunch, trips). No having to schedule babysitters, or cancel due to a sudden sick kid. We are all professionals- Dr., lawyers, corp. execs. Young and very alive!!! In fact we just got back from a weekend trip to the CA wine country & San Fran w/ one couple. And are planning a trip to Italy this fall with the other couple.

I make a point to go somewhere international every year...usually Europe. It helps me recharge and appreciate so many things. I've found people from other countries to be less intrusive than what is accepted here in the states. They tend to be more private. European's don't immediately ask you private personal questions (i.e. your job title, if you have kids.) If you're wondering I do find the kid question highly offensive for many reasons. (Let me know if you're interested in how I respond to these questions...it's kind of a stinger response.) From my experiences Europeans enjoy food, culture, friends...and tend to have a more 'live and let live' mentality. I'm a recovering work-aholic, and traveling around the world helps me keep things in balance....work, my husband, etc. I always come home appreciative of what I have and how wonderful our lives are together. If we had kids we wouldn't be able to enjoy everything the world has to offer. We love our choice. <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />