BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree by choice?

Babaloo....

I completely understand. We are to some degree ostracized by not having children. The part that bothers me is not that my friend with a baby, would rather spend time with other friends with children than me; but how inward these friends become. A little fable for you all: Once upon a time "Kelly" was a really good friend of mine, we would go out for coffee, ***** about our lives, talk about politics and feminism and spirituality and cheese. We'd hang out, go rent a movie and eat way too much cake. We'd split a bottle of wine and tell stories, and pee ourselves laughing in my kitchen. If she was having a problem with her spouse, or me with mine, we'd get together and whine and lament until we came to some wisdom in it. We were alike, and we enjoyed each other. Now she is somebodies mother. And this is going to sound cruel, but that is all she is. The woman, the person, isn't there anymore. She lives her life, going through the motions, living a role instead of a life. That is what I can't stand about it, losing those good women, those great souls and like minds. As though they were born for nothing better than to clean up after some snot-nosed infant. My bitterness may be showing through here, but don't you think most of us (as women)have so much potential that becomes stunted, because of this cultural nonsense that all women should be mothers???

Hi Amazonsmurf (cool name, by the way),
Yes, I definitely agree with you. It seems like the person takes a back seat after the baby arrives. I've seen that many times in the past few months. But I think that might be temporary as I have one or two friends whose children are a bit older now (between 2 and 5) and they're taking an interest again in other things in life.
It's probably that the whole experience is so overwhelming and time- and energy-consuming that there is nothing left for the person you are. You just HAVE to care for your child and if it's your first child you're so busy and trying to cope with all the changes that there is nothing left for yourself.
While I understand this I'm still puzzled by how many women go through this - and some of them don't even really like it.
You're right, just because society expects it of you doesn't mean that you have to do it.

It's hard to watch friends whom you know to be fundamentally intelligent take an IQ nosedive. I'm not sure if it's just in some places or all over. When I lived in Los Angeles, I had all kinds of friends, with or without kids, married or single or not sure, gay or straight or not sure, various colors, and there was never a problem with getting together and having a nice time. When I moved back to the Midwest, where I'm from originally, it was different. I thought it was something about me personally so it took several years to get a clue. Not that absolutely everyone in California was that open but there wasn't the family-and-nothing-else attitude that prevails here. And it wasn't like that when I was a kid. Now, I hear about grandkids as well as kids. It's too much and I refuse to be bothered with it. If it isn't a two-way street, then it's a no-way street for me. These people are rude, thoughtless and hurtful at times so I'm slowly eliminating them from my life.

Haunted Lady, you're absolutely right - friendships should be a two-way street. I understand what you're saying - I've been listening to friends and colleagues over and over again, giving advice, letting them moan, supporting them and it's all related to their babies. I'm not saying that I don't understand or appreciate what they're saying but I sometimes feel exactly as you're describing it: Where is the space/time for me?!
And the funny thing is that others accuse those of us who don't want to have children of being selfish... Hm, now what's wrong with that picture?! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I know I haven't been part of this conversation but I would like to jump in here with both feet. I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing not to have children at all. As a matter of fact I respect women who do make that choice. It is much better if you do not have children if you feel that is not the life for you. ON the other hand... I'm sorry you guys know only women who smother themselves in motherhood.. I for one did choose to have children but I have always stressed the fact that I too have a life and my needs are also to be met. My husband and children understand that if I decide to do something without them then by gosh, I am going to! I love them but I also value my personal space and my other friendships too.. I admire your decision personally and I wish you a friendship with someone who won't close you out and close themselves in.

Hi Deborah,
Thanks for joining! And it's great to hear that you're striking a good balance.
I have to say that not all my friends are as "bad" as we were describing them - I've got one friend and colleague who is expecting her second baby in August and her first one is almost 2 years old. This is an age when children demand more attention than say 10 years on, I suppose. Still, often she is the one suggesting an outing as a team (from work) or comes up with ideas of something to do.
When I look at her family I can see that her mother was similar, their family had similar structures as my friend's has today. I suppose once again a lot depends on how you grew up and what you learned from your parents.
And this should suggest that your children will be able to strike a good balance in their family life later on!
B.

Thanks for the welcome. As for the kids I sure hope so! But I have always taught them that having children is a choice and getting married is also a choice.. It is much better to stay single all your life than to marry someone you are not happy with. I'm glad to hear that you do have some friends who aren't "child logged" <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Women should always have time for their own internal selves and their pursuits in my opinion.. otherwise the world would be pretty gray indeed. ACK .. sinking into nothingness not good. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I used to know people who were willing and able to do non-child things and could carry on a conversation that didn't involve children. I don't know if it's the place or if times have changed that much. The biggest complaint I have is the thoughtlessness, rudeness and sometimes hurtfulness of some parents/grandparents. There is a fundamental lack of respect coming from some of them that has pushed me to the limit. I have lost count of the times I've planned something with a childed friend only to have that "friend" back out at the very last moment. Or the times I have listened and commiserated about what someone's kids have done but there's no time to listen to my job travails. There are some parents who are unbelievably insensitive to anyone's feelings or needs except their own. It's very frustrating.

Well, shoot! Talk about rude. My apologies, Deborah, and welcome. I look forward to hearing about your perspective.

Thank you, <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> no prob. You just say whatever's on your mind .. If we can't say what we need to here we just might explode <img src="/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Anyway I do understand how you feel. Anyone who is insensitive to their friends needs to re-evaluate their priorities in that relationship. If I didn't have time for someone I wouldn't make their life miserable by keeping that "apron string" tied. I've had people in my life that were like that too. But I'm worth being all I can be despite them and you are too. Deb