BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree by choice?

Hello,
It looks like this forum is non-existent and I came across it only today. Is there anyone here who'd be interested in sharing thoughts and experiences? Are you childfree by choice? Do you regret it?
I have to say, I sometimes do. But only for a short while, then all the other thoughts beging to kick in again.
Just looking for a few like-minded spirits - so get posting!!!
B :rolling:

Well, this is a very interesting topic to me. I may eventually have children; I still have some time (I am only 27), but I have had it with people bugging me about having kids!!!! As of this point in my life right now, I do not ever want children. (BUT....never say never, right? LOL) But I dont feel that urge, that supossedly everyone else is feeling?! Society just puts all these pressures on people (especially woman) that at a certain age, you of course should start thinking about it, because everyone has to have kids, right? And God forbid you tell someone that-they look at you as if you were a leper; something is wrong with you, you are selfish, etc.
Too many people have children without ever thinking about it. Children deserve ALL your attention when you have them. And people need to think about that-if they are TRULY ready to devote that time and attention to another human being-not just because it is "time" or expected of us.....
Ok, I will stop cuz I really could go on and on about this...... LOL
:rolling:

Hi! My name is Matt and I am 29 years old and child free. I know this is a sight for women but it's hard to find a sight for guys about this issue. My wife and I are headed for divorce over the kid issue. She new from the start I did not want kids. She is 34 and now wants them more than anything in the world. I have tried to convince her other wise but to no avail. I love her but can't see spending 20 or so years raising a child. We have been in counseling now for about a year and it has helped but, the situation is still the same. Any advice? It is nice to know there are some women that don't think there life should revolve around a child.

Hey Matt!
It is sad to hear that you and your wife might be heading for divorce. But if you truly do not want kids and she does, then it is probably best to part ways now before any more resentment is created. If you stay together, without having the kids, she is going to hold this against you-probably forever. And if she really has a REAL desire to be a mother, she will always have something missing inside of her. But, have you two really talked about why she wants children? She could also be feeling the pressures because of getting older that she has to have one. Also, it sounds like this was an issue that you two discussed BEFORE you got married (which many people fail to do), and she knew exactly how you felt....

She new how I felt and we talked about it before we got married. I will never understand why some people have to have kids. WHY WHY WHY? Too much work, money, stress, and no guarantees. There is alot of things to do in this world that seem a hell of alot more fun than rasing kids.

children are imbedded into the human psyche as THE way to be immortal, to carry on your lineage and history...and also, because women are told from an early age that you "grow up, fall in love, and have babies". i resented that cop-out so much that i have sworn never to bear a child. ITs been this way all my life, and still i hear people in my family tell me that i will change my mind. I'm a taurus...they just dont get it <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
truly, if she wants children..and you dont...there is a serious problem. i have a best friend who had a VERY serious relationship with an older woman who didnt want anymore kids and he did...and they fell out simply over that.

you cant change people...so you have to find someone that doesnt need changing <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Two views on it:

1) Not having kids is good for the world, there's too many people living now and it looks like this number will grow. The bad news is you're not really helping. You don't have kid, some couple in China (or whatever similar country) has 5 and 'compensates'.
Also, it can be understandable. All people are egoistic to some degree. If you're too egoistic, then obviously you would prefer NOT to have kids, since that would require dedicating time, effort, money, health, etc. to someone else and not the one and only - you! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So, there is point in that.
2) People are supposed to have kids. If everyone bahaved like you do, this world would die out OR be dominated by countries you really would not like them to. The purpose of any woman is to raise a kid, or two, to maintain balance. Actually, women are 'forgiven' many weaknesses and given certain priviledges by society because of that: you raise kids, you raise our future. If you don't, how different are you from men? What is your purpose? To live and enjoy life? You should remember then, that this life you live is thanks to countless other people that made a different choice. And also, you're taking away a chance to live an equally good and interesting life to a ptential kid. If it's by circumstances, it's OK, but by choice ...

The fact is that the 'civilized' society has degraded over the past half-century. Look at Germany, they're sick and dieing. Women there MAKE their men undergo surgical sterilisatio, because they themselves refuse to exercise any birth control methods. Is that sick or what???

To conclude: you have every right to not have a child, but don't fool yourself with the idea that you're 100% normal and that it's OK not to have kids.

Also, it's interesting. In US, you seem to be quite religious ... and by religion, sexual intercourse is the means to continue the mankind. It's funny, how you believe in God, yet there may be not a single time in your whole life when you make love 'with purpose'. Or do you reject sex as well?

My post may seem a little unpolite and not very nice to some, I meant not to offend you, but neither want to hide what I think behind 'nice semi-truth'.

I don't think my desion to not have a child is abnormal. I am a fairly religious person but I don't believe god wanted everyone to breed. I am not having kids because I don't have to. I have a mind of my on and I don't think I have to do what society tells me I should do. I want to do what I want to do. My wife and I finally came to the conclusion to get a divorce over this issue. We split up our money and assets this past weekend. I wish it were different but it's not. I really hope my wife finds what she needs to make her happy. As for me well, I will throw myself into my work for now and slowly try to get my [censored] together. I make a really good income and my job allows me to travel so I will be fine. I would however, like to find a woman that doesn�t have to reproduce.

So, AINTD, do you think having a child without being able to take on the responsibility for another life is a sensible thing to do?
Do you think having a child when your own financial situation is tight or even desperate and having to deny your child "basic" things is sensible?
What about people whose childhood experiences contain little good but lots of bad things (and you have to admit, many children have to go through things not even adults should have to experience!) and whose family was so "messed up" that they feel they have little or little good to offer to a child - should they just go ahead and "give it a try"?
Is a child's life something you should experiment with? I don't think so.

The decision not to have a child when you're not sure that you can give everything necessary (financially, emotionally, security-wise) to this child is what I actually call responsible.
Sorry to be ranting on but this is something I feel quite strongly about.
And what's that about Germany being sick and dying? Did I miss something here?
<img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Matt,
Sorry to hear about you and your wife splitting up over the child issue.
It might sound really cheesy now but if your differences were that great it might be better to split up now than both of you holding on to your marriage and suffering as a result of it.
I hope it will be as painless as possible for you although these things never are.
And don't worry about this being a women's site - some people (like AINTD maybe?) would even argue that whoever doesn't want a child is not a real woman anyway <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I don't think our purpose in life is simply to reproduce and I don't think either that being able to bear children is the only things that makes me a woman.
Matt, keep your chin up!