Babraj,
I don't find you an awful person, some people were just mistreated (mental or physical or in both ways) by their mother or father, and therefor hate their mother or father or their heritage. I have two friends who came from very strict (puritinical) Calvinist protetstant families, and both became non-believers, with a little bit sceptic approach towards christianity. They totaly turned their back to the family faith and tradition and started, new secular lives.
In other cases I know people with troublesome relations with fathers or mothers, who totally broke contact with their family due to what happened in the past.
To an very old age people can have hateful feelings or bad memories about their parents.
I am fortunate with my parents, sister and other familymembers, and that's why I can honour my mother and father (like the bible says). I had a troublesome but good childhood. The problems came not from my parents, but from the outside (school, people).
And because of that trouble I do not trust people that easy, and am always distrustful.
I hope that you will come over it after your mother passed away. You will have to come over it and go your own way. Forgive her if you can, leave it if you can't.
