BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I need advise from someone who is married...

I lived with someone for 18 years before I married him, and everyday I still asked that same question, how will I know? Funny huh? I think life is meant to be valued and living it even moreso. Living it responsibly and gracefully. You are 19 and I don't know how mature you are, the same could be said of myself, a 47 year old. So heres a little advice, is your mate going to be a very good friend in 24 years from now? Will he value your growth and changes and once in a while look upto you, count on you and you on him. Will your little ones look at you like you and daddy are the neatest guys on Earth except when you ask them to clean up anything.
Will allow yourself to try and will you allow yourself to maybe hit alot of rough spots? I wouldn't rush marriage, take it slow and pay attention to the hear and now and don't be pressured by outside influences and take your life and live it, if you fail at marriage it will be a shame you carry but nothing compared to the real shame of not trying your best to creating a unity that produces a fine home with new and responsible little citizens to the human race and community.

I got married at the 18 and my husband was 19. We have been married for almost 5 years coming up this month. My husband is my rock my everything. We knew each other from High School. I told my friends that is the person i am going to married. They laughed at me because at that time were not even friends hehe. A year has passed by. I see him again when i was waitress. He stop and asked me do u want to go on date. I said sure ok. So we started dating this was in May. In June i got with mono. i had a very serious case of it. From what the doctors told me i was the worst case that have ever seen b4. My liver was huge. all of my glands were swallon. I was 110lbs a size 3 and very sick. I was coughing up blood. And i was 5 weeks pregnant. I passed out in the bathroom when i was brushing my teeth and my hubby grab me and i start to shake. Then blood came pouring out of my nose and and coughing it up and i said please help me. So he rushed me to the hospital. I was in so much pain i could barely speak. He was sitting there hold my weak hand. The doctor told him tell everyone to pray for me because he did not know if i was going make it. So my husband got on his knees prayed and prayed he called all of my friends and family and told them to pray for me.

The second day in hospital my liver was half of the size it was the day b4. He looked at me with tears in his eyes. Got one knee. Grab my hand and Rach I love u and just realize how much u mean to me. Will u marry me. So i said yes.And we got married in August heh.

Yes our marriage has up and downs what marriage doesn't. Work keeps a marriage strong and lots of it. <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

Lots of great advice here <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm 21 and my husband is 25 We got married this past July. We've been together since I just turned 18, and he was 22.

I knew I was ready to marry because of how we dealt with many situations, how we connect, how we love and respect eachother, what our goals are in life, etc.

If you have goals for your education and whatnot don't give that up. Even if you do get married make sure you are doing what you feel is right for you.

I havent been married for long, but we've lived as if we've been married the whole time. We moved in together after 6 months and had many many discussions about marriage and life before we got engaged. And I know that marriage is alot of work. You have to work together on everything!

If you're questioning it this much, you may not be ready... yet. But that doesn't it it wouldn't work out one day. Take things one day at a time. Be open and communicate as best you can. You're young, so am I <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Take your time and make your decision when both of you are ready. There's nothing wrong with talking about it... ALOT. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We talked about it for 2 1/2 years living together, got engaged and a year later married. Coming up 4 years together!... and never been happier
Good luck to you.

Neither of you know how much each of you will change whether you are 19 or 39 and you will, that is life. We keep learning and growing. What you have to be ready for is the work marriage takes. You will change. He will change. College or not. You both will change. Are you willing to grow together? Are you willing to work through the tough times? Accept differences?

I belive as long as the core values are the same and there is no abuse in any form... it will work out.

I had doubts when I put the engagement ring on. We met when I was 19 and he was 25, got engaged when I was 22 and he was 28. Ha dour kid when I was 24 and he was 30. Now I am 37 and he is 43. We have both changed SOOOO much! However our core values are the same. We have trust and respect for each other and our child now 13 and just awesome!

We have fought, more than once. We always work it out. We treat each other with respect. And our house is filled with love.

Think with your head and follow your heart. You know deep downn what is right. If time is needed, there is nothing wrong with an engagement now with wedding plans being made after graduation.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best in life.

Very true! Just because you get engaged doesn't mean you have to have a wedding right away.

I was going to add something to my last post, but I've completely lost it now! I'll be back if I remember <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh right... I was going to say something along the lines of...

Everyone has different different opinions, so no one can really make the decision for you, or tell you when you will be ready. I've noticed that some people, not all, but some of those whose marriages didn't work out, tend to say that age was why it didn't work out. While in some cases, this could be true, for them, that doesn't mean that there is a right age to get married. My excitement was almost spoiled by a couple people I know who were trying to convince me not to get married because it was the worst thing THEY ever did. That's not fair, that just because someone else's marriage didn't work they think someone elses wont work. It's like they become bitter about marriage altogether, and not just because of age.

Anyways my point is just that many people will give you many different opinions (all of which are valid <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) but that doesn't mean you will experience the same thing. Like I and other people have said, take it step by step. Talk about it. Be open. Think about your future in all aspects. And don't rush things. When you feel it's time, you will know.

That's all <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good luck!

3rd octave,

I'm missing where marriage subjugates women anymore. I was just married two weeks ago (for the second time; my first marriage was to a very sweet but hopelessly alcoholic man) and I've got to say, it's a very equal partnership, but in day-to-day reality and in how we set up the vows, etc. If anything, what subjugates us is the tyranny of the 1970s/1980s idea that you can "have it all", all at the same time --- men *or* women. Want a high-powered career (man or woman)? Great; go for it. Want to raise wonderfuly nurtured children, and do most of it yourself? Wonderful. Go for that. You can't have both --- not at the same time. But if you don't try to "have it all", somehow, society tells you you're lacking as a woman (it does a lot of that...women who decide to forgo parenthood get a lot of grief, too). People *can* take the slow road with their careers and be parents to young children simultaneously, but yes, there will be a tradeoff. There's nothing in life that isn't a tradeoff; why should kids be any different?

I'm childfree. I've got no kids of my own; I'm an active auntie of 12-year-old twins, and love kids...well, kids over toddler age, anyway...I am a high school music teacher and adore my job. I don't want kids of my own, and have never felt a strong pull in that direction (only societal pressure).

*The* most important thing is shared values between you and your spouse, and first on that list must come your attitude towards children. ANYTHING else you do in this life is reversible --- but not having children. If one of you wants to do something totally crazy (the example I like to use is that all of a sudden, your husband wants to sell everything, leave all your family and friends, and move to Alaska and take up mushroom farming), you can always decide it's not working out, sell the farm, and move back south. But once you've had a child, that's a non-negotiable change in your life.

Many of you would argue "Go ahead and have the child...you won't regret it later". That's true for many or even most of you (thank goodness for your kids) but not for all. It's unfair for a spouse who wants kids to pressure the other who doesn't into having them; it's also unfair for the one who doesn't want kids to pressure the other into not becoming a parent. But I'd argue that the former is worse, because in that case, you're involving an innocent third party (the child) and taking the very real chance that his parents, collectively, won't really embrace parenthood. Very unfair to the child.

So please...work out for yourself how you feel about children (if you're not sure, become a Big Sister or Big Brother...spend time with children, and not just with babies, either! There are so many kids, ,'tweens and teens in particular, who just need the time and attention of a caring adult; I was a Big Sister for years and would recommend it to anyone). Then, find a spouse who feels similarly.

To become a parent or not is, very literally, the largest decision one makes in this life, an equal or perhaps larger issue than marriage --- and yet, some people seem to put more thought into where to go on vacation or what kind of car to buy than into the question of whether to become a parent. Be very careful and deliberate...the world needs happy, productive, fulfilled adults and strong couples, but it definitely doesn't need more unwanted children who won't get the nurturing they deserve.

Cheers

Elise

Back to the original question: It doesn't matter how old you are, people of all ages make the same mistakes over and over again (thanks to our overrated media and commercialism hype.)
It doesn't matter if you're 19 or 99, you should NOT get married if:

1. The reason you're getting married is because the person makes YOU feel all good inside.
2. The reason you're getting married is because the person will give YOU everything YOU"VE ever dreamed of.
3. The reason you're getting married is YOU can't imagine living YOUR life without them.
4. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU and more YOU.

This is the big deception. It seems so right because of how YOU feel. That's the biggest mistake people make. Because after the wedding you still continue to think this is all about YOU, and as soon as you stop getting that YOU fix i.e. he starts to behave sloppily and forgets to do what you ask, suddenly that gushiness disappears like a snowflake in the Sahara. In truth, when a person enters a marriage with the idea that you will be giving to the OTHER, and the OTHER is the most significant, then you are on the right track, whether you are 19 or 99

Yitzchak
souldiet.com

Interesting discussion. Of course it depends ultimately on you and your partner. How well do you know yourselves? What do you want out of life?

If you have ambitions--education, a fulfilling work life, changing the world, developing artistic talents, etc... Now is the time, when you have the freedom to go where life takes you, to take risks without having much of a price to pay if you fail, and then take more risks. All that changes when you get married, have kids, take out a mortgage... and as you generally age. As time passes, options narrow. So, where do you want to be? And who do you want to be?

If you have a partner who will support you in pursuing your dreams, then marriage might not be so limiting; then again, you can be together a long time without necessarily getting married, if you love each other. But if marriage is going to mean "settling down", then you're losing something you will likely never get back.

I know lots of people who met early and were in a committed relationship for many years before they get married.

I have been married three times,this last for seven years.Iam speaking for myself. But I have little education and job skills,and am 53 yrs old,In my marriage the wage earner seems to have allthe power Marry if you must, but remember to be able to take care of yourself,the kids,the cats.Something can happen to your mate,be she a blonde,or a bad car wreck. had I lived with my two priors,I would never had married them,This one I did live with first.Am i happy?Because I havent taken care of myself,no.That has nothing to do with my husband,who I think is a good man.As far as being allowed to do dishes,oh,Im certainly allowed.Queen Im not,although he did say I was his best friend,once