Welcome Muppet and thank you for your story. I am struck by the clarity with which you write and the clarity with which you assess your life to date, stating what has happened and not apportioning blame.
It strikes me that you have had the "where do I go from here?" question several times in your life, and each time you have found a direction. I would ask where your stength comes from, what matters to you most in life, whether you can be happy on your own or whether a relationship feels crucial to your happiness.
What came to mind as I was reading your story was Byron Katie's "The Work". There is a separate thread on this under Self Development (I think). I have put a couple of links you may find useful below - if your husband is up for it (it's great to do it with another person who can ask you the questions)you could try doing the Judge Your Neighbour worksheet together. If he is not it may be a tool you find useful in exploring your own questions. This is just a suggestion, so no worries if it does not feel right for you.
How To Do The Work (audio) Judge Your Neighbour Worksheet The Do The Work Helpline (free) 
