I have never done a chat forum before. I decided to do this because I feel like I need some neutral feedback from others that understand but are outside the situation. My mother has been emotionally abusive all my life. When ever she wasn't getting her own way she would fly off the handle and go so far as to even threaten to kill herself. She blames me for everything that isn't right in her life. And resents me for not raising my sisters for her. I am the eldest and I pretty much raised my one younger sister. By the time I got married and started having children of my own she had had two more, I decided that raising her two youngest children was not important in my life I now had to focus on my husband and my children. She will yell at me when i say no to having one or both of my younger sisters moving in with me. She will tell me it is my duty to talk to them about important issues like sex, my youngest sister is only 15 and already sexually active and I don't want to be the one that tells her how to have an orgasm when I don't think she was emotionally or physically ready to have an intimate relationship. I am not allowed to have an opinion on any subject that isn't the same as hers. If she is mad at someone she will demand that I be angry as well even if that person has done nothing to me. My entire childhood was spent cleaning her house, taking care of my youngest sister, cooking the meals, making sure all the homework was done and lunches were made for school and so on. I have been raising children since I was very young and am now ready to have my own life and take pleasure in my children. Her most recent activity was at the start of summer she decided to leave her fourth husband. They have had a rocky relationship for the past 11 years. Every 2 years she leaves him and then will go back to him after she has made him "suffer without her long enough" well this time he didn't take her back or go and get her. She moved in with a friend an hour away. I have not been able to financially go and see her. She is angry with me for not going to visit her. She is blaming me for her ended relationship and calling me selfish for not making the time to visit her. I have been unable to go anywhere this summer it isn't like I have been all over the place and just refusing to see her. I tried to explain to her that I just haven't had the funds, my husbands truck is not working right and he has been using my car for the entire summer. He works a 10 and 4 schedule at work. Meaning that he works 24-7 for 10 days then will get 4 days off. Well the only thing we have done this summer was go and pick berries on his days off an that was only twice since he worked most of his days off due to financial reasons. This morning she told me that if I was able to go and pick berries with my family then i should have instead of picking berries gone and spent the day with her. I should be allowed to spend the day with my husband! She was suppose to come spend sunday with my two little boys and she never showed up or even called. Instead she went out of town and told my aunt what a terrible and selfish person I was for not making the time to see her. Yet if I tell her that punishing my children because she is mad at me is wrong she will fly off the deep end and accuse me of even more. She truly believes that since she gave birth to me that I should spend the rest of my life in servitude to her. She never has anything nice to say. And she loves to take credit for my accomplishments. I recently finished a Certified herbalist course and she told everyone that it was because of her that I did it. She will use my certificate to try and get jobs stating that it was because of her interest in herbs that got me started that she gets to take full credit and that is just one thing that she takes credit for. She makes up memories about me as a child that are completely not true! Then bully me into saying that they are. If I try to tell her that it didn't happen that way she will go into a rage and insist that it did. She tells me that it is my fault that she suffers from depression. When she gets mad at my father for not paying child support she will tell me I have to call him and get mad at him. I have very little to do with my dad. She has gone behind my back and told my husband things that are not true about me too. To the point where we had to decided not to let her get away with it. Every time she does it he would tell me what she said so that we wouldn't get into a fight. I have been with my husband since I was 18 we married at 19 and she still tries all the time to split us up. Just this morning a friend of hers called me and told me that I should call her that it may cheer her up. I didn't want to since I know she spent all weekend acting nuts and not calling me to even tell me that she wasn't coming on sunday. For some reason I, against my better judgement, called. I got the usual "I am not in a good place", " That she lost her husband and now her entire family", "that I am selfish for not giving up time with my family to see her", and that "I just ruined her whole day by phoning her and that she was now having to go to the doctor for more antidepressants." I knew inside that I shouldn't have called but felt like I had no choice. I am tired of living in fear of her mood swings and tired of feeling helpless in my dealings with her. I hate how she goes to great lengths to make me feel bad about myself. Nothing is ever good enough and she never takes any responsibility for her own actions. I want to have the strength to just no have nothing to do with her. But she always tells me that I have to love her and that I have to like her because she is my mother. She will play on my guilt and force me to put her ahead of everything else in my life. I am scared that if I continue to let her bully me that I may become a bully myself. That if I don't get her out of my life she will finally succeed in ruining my marriage and finally making me as lonely and miserable as she is. She has gone so far as to tell my husband that I am not good enough for him! Even now I feel like I am betraying her just by writing my thoughts here. I want to be free and feel like a terrible person for feeling like that will only happen after she has passed away. I am sorry to sound like just a complaining whining little witch.
