Shortcatmama,
When joining the thread late (on its second page), I usually will read what others have said, but this is a rare occasion when I'm just responding to you, without looking at other posts. I imagine I'm about to add things that have already been said, but I didn't want to taint my own sentiments.
YES, I doubt the choice, for many reasons. I'm an only child, and at age 36, with parents 72 and 67, I swear I dread every day the loss of one parent...then eventually two. I dread the day one of them gets to a point when they get terminally ill, when they can't bathe themselves, when I need to step in for care. I'll be alone in caring for them, and I'll have no one to care for me. These are all very selfish thoughts, I'll admit, but they're there.
I project the "what if's" as in, "What if I had a kid to help ease the pain, to be a buddy, to be a kidred soul to me during my time of having to understand and deal with the circle of life..." That's certainly a woman, if not human, way of thinking. I've gotten so much better at "blinking" out of it, forcing myself into reality, and realizing that making a "mini-me" will not help. No one will be able to help what I lack inside.
That full-circle epiphany, which I go through often, results in my reaching in to dig out the krap in me and reaching out to infuse the good I can add. I'm not going to have a child; at 36, the risks are far too high for both me and the baby. I thought years ago this life would be different, but as I've heard many times, you play your best with the hand you're dealt. And actually, I could have played a baby into this hand of cards, but the choice to give life actually wound up being the absolute most serious thing I had to consider, more permanent and important than marriage, more important than my own life.
What I'm left with -- is me. I'm ready to care for my parents when they need help, and I'm ready to face a life devoid of immediate family, because God has been so good to me in these 36 years. If life turned to sh!t tomorrow, I'd have so much to look back on and be thankful for. I fell in love -- a few times -- and to be loved and in a healthy relationship is something some people never have. I've travelled. I've been educated. I've found hobbies and things in nature in which I bask. The ride has been good, and the upshot is that I'm not done yet.
Because society's "norm" is to breed, it's considered selfish to put yourself first. Most people are trained through mainstream living to put your self aside and give to your children. We don't have that. But now that I've found resolve in a new life I didn't even plan on (not having children), I realize I have something many people never will -- the liberty to soak in so many other, different, things that parents never will.
The thought of being alone later in life scares me, but thanks to so many people in this room sharing stories of 60, 70, and even 90-year-olds who still have very full, fulfilling lives, I have hope and courage.
In closing, of course I'll add something that someone else probably already has: Giving birth is no guarantee that kid's going to be with you when you need care later in life. That kid can move to another continent, that kid could turn out to be a societal reject...any number of combinations. In the end, all you have is yourself.
