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#497717 - 02/26/09 10:16 PM Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?!
wingsofbeauty Offline
Newbie

Registered: 02/26/09
Posts: 25
Let me first start by saying this is my first post on the board, so if this is in the wrong forum, I apologize ahead of time and will gladly move it. I'm not sure where to start, but my husband has drawn the line with his pornography. We have been married for two years this August, and have been together for five. I would be lieing if I said that this is a new problem, however, now it a crucial time for us, and this problem is beyond acceptable. My husband and I are trying to have a baby, we have been trying for the last year, and with no success started seeing a doctor in late Jan. for fertility testing. I was diagnosed with PCOS which explains alot of our fertility problems. However, I also feel that my husbands constant addiction to porn and masturbating is also a part of the problem. He cannot go a couple of days without doing it. This week he has to go get a sperm analysis test done, so we had sex on Sunday morning, but he had to be clean for three days. So we didn't have sex, and he says no mast. & porn either. So yesturday he went and got the test done, which requires him to mast. OK FINE! So I was hoping maybe we could have sex last night or tonight, last night I was not feeling good... so I had high hopes for tonight. Only I opened the computer this morning to find redtube.com amaeatur porn site on the screen, to top it off, it was incongnito (new google accessorie) which means he was trying to hide it. So he could not even wait 1 freaking day and he was jacking off!!!!! ONE DAY!!! When I confront him with this issue, and tell him how much it hurts and bothers me all he says is "I have no excuses", " I have nothing to say".... This has been going on for 5 years, he bringst he laptop in the bathroom, and if he can't have the laptop he will sit in the office and do it... and when I shut the internet off about a year ago, he used his CELL PHONE!!!!!! I really don't know what to do. I am not against pornography and I believe that masturbation is natural. But there becomes a point where it is excessive and five - six days a week is excessive. I can't put up with it anymore!! There have even been times when I will be sitting on the bed in the bedroom, and you can hear that he is doing it in the bathroom (our bathroom is joining), I mean I am sitting right there!!!

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#497727 - 02/26/09 10:40 PM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: wingsofbeauty]
ChelleT&L Offline
Chimpanzee

Registered: 09/04/05
Posts: 7165
Loc: Lake Lanier, Georgia
Hello Wingsofbeauty, welcome to BellaOnline. You are in the right place.

First off, I am sorry you are hurting so much. You are dealing with 2 very distinct and separate emotional and stressful issues. It is very understandable that you are hurting and feeling betrayed right now.

Your husband has a problem. He is addicted to porn - I know you said that in your post, but I am reiterating it in the literal sense. This is the same thing as people who are addicted to gambling or kleptomaniacs, except it is even stronger. He not only gets the adrenaline rush that these other addicts get - he also gets the endorphine rush that is normal and natural with sexual release.

I am not a doctor, but I would imagine at least part of it has to do with the infertility issue. Just like you hear when couples get so uptight and tense the longer they try, then when the give up and adopt - all of a sudden they find themselves pregnant because the pressure is off. I imagine he is reacting to this same type of pressure. Sex with you he sees as babymaking, it is work. Sex with porn is release. These women he looks at demand nothing of him, there is no pressure to be or do anything.

He needs counseling, you probably both do - not for sex for you, but for stress. Infertility is a horribly stressful time on a marriage.

I am not excusing him by the way. He should be there for you, not for some computer. If he cannot get this under control NOW, then the two of you may need to reconsider having a child at this juncture. Infertility is stressful, but so is having a child! Sleepless nights, colic, the terrible twos (and 3s and 4s) - you just trade one form of stress for another. And until he learns to handle his stress in a healthy way, it will not be healthy for your family.

Feel free to come here and talk whenever you need to. This is a wonderful community of women (and a few men, too) that are supportive and caring.


Edited by Spirituality&SFFMoviesEd (02/26/09 10:40 PM)

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#497762 - 02/27/09 12:10 AM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: ChelleT&L]
flutterby378 Offline
Gecko

Registered: 12/07/08
Posts: 719
Hello, WingsofBeauty. Thank you for posting here. Like Michelle said, you'll find a lot of support here. Let me tell you this first: Your problem is perhaps the most common complaint of wives today.

In fact, on the Marriage site here, there is an article titled, "Understanding the Lure Of Titillating Images" that deals with the topic of porn.

It is here:

{url}http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art59875.asp[url]

Men view porn because it is titillating. They turn to it for different reasons (arousal, stress, easier release, passive-aggressive behavior toward wife, etc.) They become obsessed, however, because of a psychological drive that they have a hard time combatting.

I'm glad to hear that you didn't let the porn and mastr. thing upset you too much. However, it obviously has become excessive. And THAT is a problem.

I respectfully disagree with Michelle (first time ever,BTW!) that the stress of conceiving is causing him to turn to porn more. It's probably the other way around. Chronic mast. lowers sperm count. And also, she mentioned that he has had this major porn problem for the past five years and they've been trying to conceive for only one year now.

It IS excessive. Does he have an addictive nature, in general? Smoking, overeating, excessive exercise, drinking, etc.?

During ejaculation, the brain get bathed in serotonin, the feel-good hormone. And the brain LIKES that and wants more. That is how addictions begin.

Mast. is quick and easy. It's like a quick hit from a drug. Has nothing to do with the actual images, if the man prefers those images over the real woman in his life. It is not a matter of love or rejection.

It is an addiction. His mind and body wants the serotonin kick and he gets it from mast when looking at sexual images.

I know from experience. And I know how it makes a woman feel. Even though it is not a matter of rejection, you feel rejected. Your husband mast to porn when you're in the next room. Mine did right after we had sex. Can you imagine what that did to my self esteem? Was I not good enough, etc?

But it had nothing to do with me. This was his problem. Some men admit that they would rather mast to porn than sleep with their wives because they hold so many resentments against their wives (their wives are controlling, etc.) but an obsession or addiction does not stem from anger and it doesn't sound like your husband is turning to porn because of you.

If he will talk to you honestly, you need to remain non-judgmental and non-threatening. No ultimatums. Tell him you don't have a problem with the mast and porn, you have a problem with its excessiveness. Get him to understand that it IS excessive. And that indicates a problem. Send him to counseling alone so he can talk straight to another man.

Men need to unload a lot of emotional baggage, too. His addictive nature with porn could stem from something that happened during childhood. A good therapist could help.

Until then, try not to get too upset or he'll only feel more stress and resentment if you try to "find him out." Encourage him to exercise to work off energy and gain seratonin in other ways. Tell him that too frequent sexual outlet reduces the intensity of his orgasms and he'll do himself a favor by letting his sexual energy build up. Also, if he can do without for a while, the urge will ebb. His brain will settle down in its demands. Kinda like withdrawals that peak and then finally end with weaker cravings.

I was able to explain a lot to my hubby and it isn't a problem. Now, if I can only get him to stop smoking...

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#497764 - 02/27/09 12:28 AM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: flutterby378]
ChelleT&L Offline
Chimpanzee

Registered: 09/04/05
Posts: 7165
Loc: Lake Lanier, Georgia
I just realized that my post may have sounded like I was blaming you or the infertility issue (which you might then to as blaming you.)

I just wanted to say that is not what I meant at all!

I do not have experience with my husband and porn, my experience comes fomr a 17 year old son who has Asperger's and we have been fighting this addiction for 4 years now. Asperger's (a type of autism) tends to have a very addictive type of personality.

So I am kind of projecting a little bit. Lori's advice is more likely to be on target.

Either way, though - my thoughts are still with you.

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#497770 - 02/27/09 12:49 AM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: ChelleT&L]
Horror_Movies_Editor Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Parakeet

Registered: 05/06/05
Posts: 1130
Loc: U.K
My friends brother cant stop masterbating - he has an extremley high sex drive and wants certain sexual practices that his wife wont give him too though. He also gets really upset and embarressed about it, but his wife tells everyone anyway cos she thinks its amusing. He's been to the doctor and was given medication, but apparently that stopped any sexual urges at all, and so he stopped the meds, but maybe a visit to the GP could help. Your husbund could have something mild prescribed which might work for him and you. I think its quite a common issue though.
_________________________
Steven Casey
Horror Movies Site
"Whatever you do, don't - fall - asleep!"

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#497927 - 02/27/09 06:23 PM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: Horror_Movies_Editor]
wingsofbeauty Offline
Newbie

Registered: 02/26/09
Posts: 25
Michelle, Lori & Steven Thank You for Replying - I was a bit nervous about posting but definatly feel alot better, especially to hear that it's not just my husband. My husband is the type of guy where you can't tell him to change, force him to change, or imply that he should change. The only way he will fix this is to want to change himself. I did the only thing I could think of last night when I was so upset that I just couldn't deal with being mad anymore. I said to my husband - I am willing to not be mad anymore, but I want you to do something for me. And well I cooked dinner he sat at the table and I had him type "my husband is addicted to porn" into google, and I asked him to read, all the statements that other women wrote, and things that were said. and he did! We didn't discuss it after wards, I wanted to give him a couple days to think about it... but I have tried to explain to him many of times how I feel, and I just don't think he understood. Lori - You are write, I don't think it has anything to do with ther fertility aspect of our relationship. We just started seeking treatment, and I have never timed our sex out, it's always been if it happens great... so there was never any pressure, and even now.. no pressure. And like you said, this has been going on since before i met him, he openly admitted that before i met him he mast four or five times a day. Steven- Unfortunately, my husband wont even take asprin for headache... getting him to take medication for something else will be impossible! Michelle - Thank You for response... I did not feel at all like you were blaming me. I just felt you didn't understand that situation or I didn't explain the situation well enough for you to understand it. Projection can be a good thing, so project all you want lol... I am sitting here waiting his sperm analysis test results, they got them and now jsut waiting for the doctor to call... I told him last night, him mast so much could cause his sperm to be low.

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#497945 - 02/27/09 07:00 PM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: wingsofbeauty]
flutterby378 Offline
Gecko

Registered: 12/07/08
Posts: 719
So glad you're setting aside the anger. It will only worsen the problem. You see, when he faces stress--like from your anger--his brain will only demand more serotonin, which he has learned to provide via the mast./porn.

Anthony Robbins explained that humans are hard-wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Pleasure means any form of pleasant things, not only sexual. We seek people who make us feel good about ourselves, we seek yummy foods, etc. We avoid unpleasant things like paying bills, screaming spouses, etc.

He really IS addicted. Four or five times a day is proof. Only adolescent boys might go to those lengths but a grown man should not need sexual release that much. Even if he has a high sex drive.

He really needs help here. Chances are, he realizes it deep down but is embarrassed to seek help. Make a counseling appointment for him. Tell him that it is a growing problem among men today. Very common. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.

His addiction stems from something within his subconscious. Therapy can unearth the true and it could be that he had some traumatic event in his past (abuse is a possibility but even unresolved issues with his parents or an unhealthy introduction to sex).

He's lucky you're an understanding wife. You really can separate the addiction from the person you love and married.

Get him to understand that it is a brain-addiction thing. And he will have to tackle it as such, including getting through some withdrawals. Have him come up with his own limitations as to how often he will mast. and do be sure he understands that excessive mast will lessen his sexual pleasure overall.

Good luck. We're here. smile

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#505138 - 03/25/09 12:51 PM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: wingsofbeauty]
Albert L. Offline
Newbie

Registered: 03/25/09
Posts: 7
you are so understanding.


Edited by Albert L. (03/25/09 12:52 PM)

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#505229 - 03/25/09 06:15 PM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: Horror_Movies_Editor]
flutterby378 Offline
Gecko

Registered: 12/07/08
Posts: 719
Originally Posted By: Horror_Movies_Editor
My friends brother cant stop masterbating - he has an extremley high sex drive and wants certain sexual practices that his wife wont give him too though. He also gets really upset and embarressed about it, but his wife tells everyone anyway cos she thinks its amusing. He's been to the doctor and was given medication, but apparently that stopped any sexual urges at all, and so he stopped the meds, but maybe a visit to the GP could help. Your husbund could have something mild prescribed which might work for him and you. I think its quite a common issue though.


Thank you, Albert! smile And welcome to the forums. I noticed you are new. Please do chime in with your questions, experience, thoughts, whatever!

And Steve, I think your friend's wife doesn't realize how hurtful her actions are. Humiliation is not a good way to build trust. And as for medication...I wonder what type of meds. Antidepressants are libido-busters. That is not resolving the real issue.

Poor guy. frown

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#505805 - 03/27/09 04:23 AM Re: Need Advice... husbands addiction to porn?! [Re: flutterby378]
Elaine Dayton Offline
Newbie

Registered: 05/04/08
Posts: 39
Loc: England
Hi
The use of porn does desensitize men to the emotional and sexual needs of their partners. This may be why although it is imperative he loves you in a sexual way to produce children he is turning to the emotionally unresponsive women of the web. The mast has now been part of his emotional life for so long now it is part of the addictive side of his personality. I wonder if both of you were to enter counselling to discover his initial use of porn would help in this instance.He has to know how difficult it is for you and how distressed you feel. Awaking his need for a full emotional and sexual relationship with his wife which will bring greater emotional rewards to him may help both of you
_________________________
Elaine

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