Loneliness and being alone are often thought of as being the same. Many people believe that the person that spends most of their time alone must be lonely. This may not be the case. Learn the subtle difference, the causes of loneliness and the techniques one can use to help themselves feel better.

Loneliness

One can be in a roomful of people or in a relationship yet still feel very lonely. I have felt lonely before and it hurts.

I often wonder how, in a world full of people, anyone could be lonely. Why don't all the lonely people just get together? But it isn't that easy. We all have our issues, including as was mentioned in the article, social anxiety.

We're so insecure and worried about how others perceive us.

I try not to reveal my "down" side too much here on the forums, but honestly I feel loneliness quite often. I don't mind being alone, per se, and I do live in my own space, but I miss the interaction with a loving partner. My boyfriend passed away just over a year ago, and I deeply miss him. I have friends, family I talk to (but they live far away for now), pets, and various interests. Nothing will take away the deep loneliness and pain I feel.

I know it won't go away until I meet someone else to love and who loves me in that way again. It is hard to achieve that, as I know a compatible man won't just land on my doorstep. I am not into online dating or hanging out in bars. I also think I am still in too much pain to rush into anything. I hardly laugh anymore and when I do it feels foreign to me. I speak to a counselor now and then, but I think this is a transition period that is going to take a long time for me to get through.

Lori,
"One can be in a roomful of people or in a relationship yet still feel very lonely."

This is very true since loneliness is a psychological pain/state of mind. In addition, people who have low self-esteem or do not like themselves very much have a very hard time being alone. This also contributes to feelings of loneliness.

My article would have been twice as long if I added these two very important components! Ah...maybe a second article!

Debbie,
I think it is brave to talk about one's own pain. It is also very helpful to those who benefit from your words but are afraid to post about their own experiences or pain.

One year is not enough time to heal from your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself regarding the time it takes you ...everyone has different time lines and experiences of healing.

Finding joy in little things may be your beginning journey to healing and laughing again.

If it helps at all, I post pictures/quotes on the Mental Health - Bellaonline Facebook page that may put a small lift in your day.

I've really thought long about both loneliness and shyness. I am neither by nature (lonely or shy) but have experienced them under certain conditions. I have a friend who is painfully shy and often lonely though and have encouraged her for years to move beyond.

In reality, she lives with her adult daughter, grandson and sister so she isn't really "alone" at all. Plus, she works with others and meets new people constantly.

You are so right that loneliness is a state of mind.

How can one change this?

I may be brave to talk about my pain, but I often don't talk about it to others because I don't want to bring them down or make them feel badly for me. I am not one who looks for a pity party.

I am not hard on myself for the time it takes me to grieve and heal. I did a lot of research when my sweetheart died and I have learned a lot about giving myself time and being kind to myself. That was very important in the beginning of this process because I was pretty much useless to do anything at all. I was not working until a few months after he passed on, and in a way it was a blessing to be able to deal with my feelings alone and not have to feel like I have to act for anyone. I faced my pain head on instead of trying to push it away.

I used to laugh a lot with my boyfriend. He was funny and full of life. He helped me climb out of my shell when we first met, and I lived in the moment because of him. I hope to be able to live my life more to his legacy when I have the strength to do so. For now I take life one day at a time. It truly is all I can manage.

You mention important points for everyone whether he or she is grieving or not: being kind to self.

I have to remember that.

Being kind to yourself is very important, especially if you are in pain. Do only what you can manage, say "no" if need be and know that it is ok to do so, take time for yourself for peace, rest, and reflection. Don't be hard on yourself and give yourself time to get back into a regular routine. You can't do any better for yourself than to really care about "you".

I have read and learned that grief changes you mentally, emotionally, and physically. I believe that wholeheartedly. It takes time to heal all that hurts within. The exhaustion alone takes quite a toll.

Debbie,
I am sorry, I read your post wrong and thought that you were saying you shouldn't be in so much pain after just one year.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Your boyfriend sounds like he was a beautiful and loving person.

No offense taken. No worries.

My boyfriend was one in a million, and I am not kidding. He was so full of love and life, never having an unkind word for anyone. He had a strong faith and trust in God, and I know God worked through my sweetheart in many ways. We were destined to meet and be there for each other when we had the greatest need. First he was there for me, and then I was there for him. Two short years together, and for much of it he was sick. He was stoic and carried on the best he could, while being kind, gentle, and giving to me every single day.

It took me two years to get over a divorce from someone I considered to be my soulmate. I know it will take me at least that long to get over my sweet boyfriend. I just hope at the end of all of this that there is another special man in the wings looking for the same kind of love that I am. I would like one more chance at "happily ever after".

Yes I am lonely, but hopefully not for too much longer. I never thought I would want to take a chance on romantic love again for fear of going through another intense pain, but I am more open to it now. You take a risk for what you want or you have nothing. No investment means no return. When the timing is right I will try again.

Your optimism and faith in love moves me.

To me, love is what really matters in this life. Knowing how beautiful it can be is what keeps me going and gives me hope. I have so much love to give. It is not just about the receiving of love that I want, but also the giving. There is so much fulfillment in the giving of love, in the giving of oneself. I love my family and friends every day, but the love for and from an intimate partner touches the soul in a way that nothing else can.

Your post makes me think of the saying, "Only love is real."

At school this week, I read a third grader's pen pal letter and she wrote that she has no siblings, mother or father and that she feels lonely. She lives with her grandmother. At school, she exhibits inappropriate attention-getting behaviors so it gets her into trouble with the teachers and keeps her from meaningful and reliable peer relationships.

I love when young children can communicate their thoughts and needs but it made me rather sad because I can do little about it.

That is indeed sad, Lori. It's too bad that someone can't help this poor girl.

Lori,
That is heartbreaking.

We don't usually think young people are lonely. We think their lives are full of school, friends, family and fun. Not always. I sure hope a teacher or peer can reach out to this young girl and make a strong connection with her.

Everyone needs one caring, loving person in their lives.