BellaOnline Forums Relationships Dating Keep dating or move on?

Hello everyone. I am in a bit of tough spot. The guy I am dating now, we have known each other casually for years but lost contact for awhile. I started hanging around him a little over a year ago and we started exclusively dating at the end of September. After about a month of dating, things got hot and heavy one night and we were very very close to (lets be blunt) having sex. He stopped and told me even though at our age it is awkward to say, he wanted to save himself for marriage. Now mind you, he has been married, has a kid, and years ago he was very easy. He also is a former drug addict (he has been clean for almost 10 years) and turned to Christianity to help with his sobriety. So now he is very religious, I am not. He is looking to settle down, get married, etc etc. I on the other hand do not want to marry again. I was married once for almost 14 years, I can't see myself doing it again. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks due to me being away for work. I will see him Wednesday. We talk every day, several times a day, he makes me feel like a teenage love struck girl again. Before we started dating, I had no idea he felt this way (about no sex until married). We were only friend's so the subject never came up. I can feel myself falling for him but do I keep on going, maybe he will change his mind? Do I stop now before things get to deep knowing I doubt I will ever be ready for marriage? Do I keep going on, maybe he will change my mind? what would you all do?

Hi Tina. This situation is more precarious than it appears as there are many different things going on on different levels.

The main conflict here is the difference of religion. When one person feels strongly about religion and the other does not, even if the non-believing partner thinks he/she can go along with the partner's religion, there are pitfalls all along the way.

A religious person holds fairly inflexible beliefs that are shaped by the religious order. (There is a difference between being spiritual and being religious, although one can be both.)

In your partner's case, his religion is not merely a habit or cultural practice, it has "saved" him from his drug addiction and that will compel him to live his new religious lifestyle with great conviction partly out of gratitude and partly out of fear of relapse.

In some ways, he might think of his newly adopted Christian vows as a way for him to start anew. And in the Christian belief system, pre-marital sex is considered a sin so he will do his best to refrain.

I'm glad he makes you feel like a love-struck teenage girl again but remember how blind young girls can be. Use your mature wisdom to think this through. And do talk about his religious beliefs. Will he expect you to join his church? What are his expectations of a Christian wife? How does he feel about your not wanting to marry ever again? Don't bank on him changing his mind about anything nor should he expect you to change your mind about anything.

We're not so mold-able when we're older. Once we're past our 20's, we know what we like; we know who we are.

I can share with you that failed marriages involved the failure to heed the red flags earlier in the relationship. I'm always dismayed to see how many people are shocked and disappointed when their marriages don't work out. The signs were there all along.

In your case, you like feeling like a love-struck teenager. Stay that way. You won't be a love-struck teenager after you become a wife to a Christian man who has Christian expectations of his wife.

Sorry to be so blunt but it's important not to keep on blinders when facing this important decision. This guy means well but how much is he willing to compromise for you and for having a relationship with you? Strict Christians see things in a black and white manner. Would he eventually view you as a sinner who tempts him to sin?

If it is going to work then you'll have to be the one to do the changing about nixing pre-marital sex, getting married and joining his religion. Can you? Can you do so without resentment? It would be great if you and he were on the same page, religiously speaking. Encourage him to talk to you about his beliefs. Maybe you, as he, will experience a profound spiritual experience.

(Note: I just hope he doesn't put too much pressure on himself to live perfectly. We're human and being imperfect is inevitable. Should your partner stumble, encourage him to forgive himself and keep going with his belief that Jesus was sent to atone for imperfections. And above all, the most important law is one of love.

The sincerest form of worship is a life of love, joy, peace and service. God's "laws" should keep us in that light with love, not fear or guilt. Gosh, I feel sad for those who clutter up the simplest understanding with fettering rules and rituals.)

God bless.

Ugh. Sorry for the long post above. The short version of my advice?


Discuss things further with him before you make a decision.

Lori - you have brought up very good points I didn't even think about. I didn't think to ask him what his expectations would be if I were to give a chance to marriage and be his wife. Very very good point. I have an uncle who is a Pentacostal preacher. While he is not mean persay to my aunt, he is very strict about what she can and can not do. I am more spiritual then religious if that makes sense. Right now he is not pushy. He has asked me to go to church with him before we were dating and I did go several times with him. Even though he has been sober for a long time, he still goes to meetings. I have gone to those with him to. Thank you so much for your advice. you have given me a lot to think about!

You know...I've been "mine-drilling" a pathway from my front door to the kitchen for the past, MONTH maybe, after a trip to see my family out East.

I have to say, as usual - Lori has a lot of abstract (things we might not take the time for...especially these days) levels of relationship "go-aheads" to consider.

Everything is a perception and depending on the person a perspective.

Myself, I'm an almost "huggable" PITA (censored of course). I try anyway.

But what bothers me, with this particular situation "feels" like if you've ever played soft-ball and one comes flying in towards your mid-section.

First, the addiction (not a judgment, but how the term Christianity is now utilized in its place). That's not to say support groups and Christian belief system DON'T help, but this just "feels" off...

As for feeling like (I forget how your words put it) but paraphrasing...love-struck-young-girl.

This is just me. I'm not saying this is HOW it is. I just jump on my instincts. But what comes through, for me, is the "love-struckness" (made up that word, lol) that's felt, well it feels more like a person in your life, that's brought into it, a freedom...wind in the face, a release, etc.

Though there IS that...wait until we're married to have sex thing still out there and I'm not downing it...there's this thing inside that feels almost like "Bait." And for the life of me...can't tell you why.

What else it feels, is there's more in it for this person than you, though it may not feel like it. It feels like this person knows exactly what they're doing.

Nothing wrong w/enjoying each other. That's what dating's all about, but marriage??? I don't know - I have a version that may not even exist anymore.

I'd hold out until I don't have to ask myself, whether or not I want to marry a person or not...just enjoy the ride