BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie, my story

Hey all, a good child free friend suggested this forum to me and I have been reading posts for the last evenings and like to introduce myself. I am Dutch, living in France and having a lot of worries and struggles regarding children yes or no. The verdict so far is no. I am 32 years old (33 in October) and I am in a steady relationship with a wonderful (gush gush) man :) He is 41 years old, an artist, I am an art historian and I work for a big university and write articles and publications. We live in the south of France and run an old and charming gite, in between the writing/art making. We have good friends but are both happiest when we are alone. Guests coming and passing are nice and we seem good in giving them a special time, but it is draining as well. I have auto immune illnesses, pretty troublemsome rosacea to name one, and arthritis and we have been ttc for the last 4 years. I had a few early miscarriages, mny hospital visits, a failed infertility treatment and we discovered last year that I have low ovarian reserve (due to all the immune inflammation problems) and it will take strong ivf to give me sort of a slight chance of pregnancy. Then I need strong immune suppressive medication. All this is making my rosacea much much worse. I have a very pale complexion and tend to flush easily, and not just a cute pink hue, but debilitating flushing (if you are interested in any of that hindrance, I have a blog under scarletnat). The last 13 years, as long as I have had the rosacea, I basically have been dreading and worrying myself sick about a pregnancy. It might worsen the immune conditions that I have and I already need a lot of medication to stay sort of pain free and mildly pleasant to look at. Because the baby making has been such a let down and disappointment so far, my partner and I have been discussing the topic endlessly. At the moment, we are almost fully convinced and certain that there will be no second ivf fertility round, no more ttc, just us and our life. I feel calm and happy about that a lot of the time, but I also still have the (hormonally driven?) urge to have my own baby and I feel sad about it. We have a great life and I have health issues that are genetical. I might pass this nightmare on to an innocent child. I will most likely end up even more red, burning and flushed than I already am now often. I am severely wondering if it's all worth that for me. I tend to think NO. I fear I will be a wreck health wise, I only want peace and quiet when I am bad, a fan on, cool air, nooone annoying me. Not a great environment for a kid. I hate how the rosacea made my life pretty miserable for quite some years in my 20's and still is a huge burden. I don't want my child to get through that. And my partner has a mild form as well, it runs in his family, so that's double trouble. My partner likes kids but says he is totally happy with the life we lead. We meet interesting people, I travel a lot, we travel a lot too by the way, we have a LOT of friends with babies and todlers. I like playing with them, but I also like handing them back when they become annoying and whiny and go back to our own lives with cuddles and books and movies and meals. He thinks it's the best for us to not even try for a baby anymore. He doesn't want to risk the good times we have now. I fear that he might change his mind at some point, or me! I am 33 soon but have the fertility of a 39 year old basically. So I don't have much time left. But I am more and more starting, or trying, to get used to the thought of staying child free all together. On a shallow note, I love how my partner adores me and how he cares for me when I am sick and doing bad with my health. I fear that I'll be a red hot mess after a pregnancy full stop and that the child will be mostly looked after by him (he is the type to pamper and care for people, yet manly). I fear that I will feel left out, both by him and our child, that I will feel a terrible mom, that I will miss the things we have now. I fear that I wont have the patience and state of mind to be surrounded by nagging kids, childrens tv, boring childrens play for longer than 2 hours a day. I am used to writing half of the day, making long walks, entertaining guests and mostly planning my life around my health conditions. I am rambling here, but I just am very happy to have found a forum like this. I have to get to terms with the fact that we won't try for a child with almost certain certainty (not good English, excusez-moi). And although we have a full life, I fear I will miss my own child in time, the comfort it might give to just have that extra piece of your family regardless. Being important for someone else than myself or my partner. Someone who will be part of us and part of our lives for a long time at least. My partner wants us to consider foster care, maybe become weekend parents or holiday parents. We already have disabled kids and adults in our gite for some weeks at times and we have the biggest blast with them. Just the thought that it would be part time, and that we wouldn't see our own lifestyle sink down a bottomless well is comforting to me. The fact that it's not permanent and we will help kids who need it. We can be very caring and challanging and uplifting I found out over the years, but for a limited amount of time (usually the time the guests stay here and once they are gone, we are self absorbed loners and workaholics). It helps to read that other childless couples are not all sad, sorry, bored, left out and miserable. It's a process and we are at least half ways I guess (and hope!). Nice to meet you all, best wishes Hannah

Oh and to add: the main reason my bf doesn't want to try anoymore for kids, is because he doesn't want to risk my health and happiness. I think that didn't come across clearly in the message above.

Hi Hannah,

My name is Burt B.

I'm 50yrs. old and I have a girlfriend 54.

There are a lot of people here who have very fulfilled lives with and without children.

Most gals will tell you here that there is a lot of pressure on women to have children and how to deal with that.

I never had children of my own.

Connie has grown children, so I have step-kids and step-grandkids.

Which is kind of nice.

Well, my romantic background has been real sporadic and I never really stabilized my life to be able to bring life into this world.

I also had kind of a blunted psycho-sexual development being raised dyed-in-the wool Roman Catholic and to 1st generation immigrant parents to the USA.

It sounds like you and your bf are wise in the way that you are debating the issue... bravo !

Welcome, and enjoy the many varied responses you will receive here which is very open-minded by the way.

-- Burt B.

Hi Hannah,
it is good that you're discussing the issue inside and out, because that is the way to find out exactly what is right for you. I did the same. Asked friends and colleagues what they thought of parenthood, and how they found it.
I realized, after a lot of soul searching that having a child wasn't for me - I wanted too many other things in my life that would conflict with raising a child for 20 or so years.

However be aware that you may at times question your decision not to have your own kids. - this is completely natural, and most other intelligent considerate women, do the same with this and any other life changing decision.
we all wonder which path to choose for the best, and the only thing you can do is go with what 'feels' right to you, after all the souls searching. You sound incredibly lucky to have such a good partner, and the life you have chosen in France.
That is what is good about this forum, it shows us there are men and women all around the world going through these same life choices, and we're not alone in anything we do or feel.
I'm sure I speak for most other people here, understanding where you're coming from, and wishing you all the best in your choice.

Bravo, Gaynor8002, Bravo !! !!!

-- Burt B.

Oops, double posted...

Thanks for the sweet replies Burt and Gaynor. Yeah, it definitely is a proces. There are days and moments when I am so content with the way things are and there are moments when I lack 'something' and I tend to identify that something with a child. But I might feel like I am lacking happiness altogether sometimes, despite all the good things in my life. I have to be careful not to mistake one with the other I think. Out of a 'self'-therapeutic point of view I am reading a discussion on mumsnet that is kind of interesting for me, with the topic "The Motherhood delusion". At least while I am reading it makes me feel pleased with out child free life. But well, as soon as I stop reading there will come a point again where it starts nagging me. The thing with us is, that we would have loved to have kids in a better situation and if I would have been all round healthy and could conceive in a sort of normal time frame. 4 years is ridiculous and the health issues I described earlier are the main reason that we are about sure that we can't have our own. I spoke to several top docs about this, frantically trying to get some grip on it all and trying to find out what the risks are exactely. All they can say is noone responds the same way, but that my history and triggers don't predict a promising prospect. So given all the trouble we already had to keep inflammation down, the risks seem too high and the options are limited anyway with the need for ivf. But I would have chosen to have one, perhaps even two kids in a perfect life. And that's the hard part for me. I realize that this forum is probably for couples and people who are child free by choice completely. In a way we are cheaters as we would love a child, but choose not to, as it's a tricky thing with my health probs. Hopefully in time we will be just as happy and certain about it all as some of you hopefully are. Burt, do you think it helps to have step children? I think just having any child in our lives, although not full time, might just get rid of this sadness I sometimes feel over the way things are going. :/ I keep imagining horrible annoying kids, whining and taking the best 20 years of your life away. I don't think I would be happy with that either. My partner is so much easier this way. Perhaps by lack of raging hormones. But he just takes things as they are and is content. He says it would have been nice, but well, this is the way it is and he is very happy as it is and doesn't see the need to turn things around for something unknown. And he sticks to this lol! I say it and then an hour later I see a baby advert on tele and I turn around 180 degrees again. It is making me so tired. Thanks guys, Hannah

Hi Hannah,

Yeah... step-kids are pretty cool... as long as they live over 700 miles away lol !!!

My Mom struggled with 'the biological clock'...

My Heart goes out to you !

Here's a way to post web-links:

It is anti-having-a-child but it is a funny culturally relevant book...

I disappointed myself and my parents...

So, here goes...

http:
//www.amazon.com/No-Kids-Good-Reasons-Children/dp/0771054777/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347811227&sr=1-1

Hannah.....I am 45 and I made the decision to be child free when I was about 26. I have thought about my decision now and then through the years, but all in all I am happy with my decision and I do not regret it, even though my long-term marriage broke up because of it.

I too have rosacea, and I know what you are going through. My case is not too terrible, and I get by with makeup, but I know what you mean about not wanting to make your condition worse. It is certainly a nuisance and can be embarrassing, and sometimes I have soreness and stinging in my face.

It is wonderful that you have such a wonderful and caring partner. Perhaps you can find a volunteer situation in your community where you can help kids who need mentors. That will give you the satisfaction of interacting with children, yet you don't have to disrupt your lifestyle.

Hi Hannah, and welcome! I do hope you're able to make a decision regarding children soon. You just have to do whatever feels best to you. There really isn't specific advice one can give on this topic because it tends to make them sound bossy. My default suggestion is always "Whatever you do, please don't make more people! The Duggars have already covered your portion!" But hey, I mean...that's just me. I don't have to live your life, only you do and it's best to do what will make you most comfortable. I'm afraid I don't know much about being uncertain about having kids -as I've always been firmly against having any of my own. I've pretty much always known I didn't want kids of my own and I've never felt any sort of desire to have children. It's been like that since I was around 10-years-old. I'd see my sister's friends and have to babysit them all the time because my older sister was irresponsible and my parents had to work constantly just to keep us afloat.. And the more I did it, the more I hated it.But as of late, I'm finding more and more reasons to not procreate -such as overpopulation and all it's resulting issues, my own genetic health issues, the state of the world and all of the needy animals that I am much more able to help by not making more people.