BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Just need some love and support

Hello. I am 31 yrs old and have done a lot of posting on Married No Kids for several years now. Lately, a number of events in my life have led me to wanting to become a mother - now I feel so mature and ready to nurture and guard a new life. As long as we've been married, my husband and I never wanted children (we've been married 10 yrs). Since this new, powerful feeling has hit me, I am having a lot of problems with discussing this with my husband. Obviously he's not breaking doors down to become a father, but he is very reluctant to talk about the subject, very uncomfortable. I can imagine this is a shock, since at one time both of us were on the same page about this. The bottom line is: He loves his toys and freedom too much to give it up. But, he always wanted to "leave the door open" to parenthood. He is having to realize that time is running out for me and that we're not 23 anymore. I don't know to read his reactions, but one thing I do know is that he is very uncomfortable talking about having kids right now. Have any of you experienced this? I feel like it's a curse I have for not wanting kids in the first place! I pray about this all the time and hope that God will give me a forthcoming answer.

beth_m -

I apologize I never saw your post before now. It must be so overwhelming. I imagine it is even more difficult when one spouse is ready to "open that door" that had been carefully shut for the past ten years. Change is always hard and when you are talking about the possibility of having children - I imagine that's even more difficult.

The best thing is to continue to engage in conversation. I know he is a bit reluctant and - rather than a debate and a convincing conversation - perhaps a conversation around values, wants, future dreams, etc. It may also be helpful for you to speak to someone outside of the relationship - like a therapist.


I hope that you and your husband can arrive at an answer together.

Hi Lisa! Thank you so much for your post. In the time since my original post, we have been doing just as you said -- engaging in constructive conversation about what it would mean to be parents. I am so happy to tell you that we have just now started trying to have a baby! He had a lot of hard feelings up front about those things I mentioned -- the hobbies, what it would mean to give up some of this for a family. I told him I just couldn't go through with it if he wasn't committed. But then after some time for these new thoughts to sink in, he started to realize that if now wasn't a good time to start a family, we would never be ready. Being that we are now early 30s and have attained lucrative financial stability, I couldn't agree more.

Right now, he seems to be warming up to idea of being a Dad, but there's a lot of uncertainty in his mind about what it will be like. He is really just getting on with life here and now, even though we're trying. I, on the other hand, am thinking about becoming a mother ALL the time -- seems like everything I do is in preparation for this. So I'm trying really hard not to "infuse" him with baby talk all the time, or get myself too worked up about it. It's a tough balance for me right now. But I guess this is how most women feel when they're trying to have a baby...I don't know.

beth -

it is so much easier when you can both arrive at the same decision!
While life will change and you really can't anticipate what that will look like for you - there are many parents who value travel, hobbies, etc. - and who find ways to make it work within their lives with children.

I wish you the best of luck -

Being a mom isn't TOO bad. You can bottle feed or breast feed, you can have a part time nanny so you both have free time to get things done! :) The first three months suck! but after that, it's awesome watching the little thing start to sit up and smile, then it's easy. Just put a bunch of metal pan lids in front of it and watch it go to town (pillows behind it of course, to prevent head injury if it falls.) I'm a pierced and tattooed mom who loves her motorcycle, has two rescued mutts, a rescued hubby and owns a smoke shop in my 'hood. The only thing I couldn't do that I wanted to was get my Masters in Teaching ESL. I love to travel, but I just have to wait another 2 -3 years when he's old enough and we'll see Egypt, Russia, Spain, France, Norway, you name it! I guess I'll take my hubby too...if I have to! lol basically, don't sweat it, and tell your guy to read this. He shouldn't sweat it either, it'll be easier for him than you. Just wait till you get heartburn every night! Keep the toys, the kid'll love them as it gets older (I rode dirt bikes when I was 10, roller derbied when 21, had a horse when I was 5, 4-h, girlscouts, tai kwan do, karate, loved 4 wheelers & downhill skiing when I was 12, etc). Just cause you want a kid doesn't mean he has to give up his freedoms, he'll just have to help you out around the house a little more and prepare for a few months of sleepless nights! (tons of coffee and other stuff works well for that). ps, I'm 34 & college educated (B.S. English, 3.6 GPA). & not wanting kids isn't a curse or anything stupid like that...it's natural! I NEVER wanted kids, then I met my man. ugh, he wanted 3. I settled for 1. 'nuff said!

Allnewtoday,

Thanks so much for your post -- made my day! The thought of losing my personal identity after becoming a mother has always SCARED ME TO DEATH. I think that's one of the major reasons I went so many years not interested in having children. My husband told me over dinner last night that a co-worker informed him that once I became a mother, I would "see things differently" in terms of my career and probably not want to work anymore. I have a really hard time believing this, as I have always been so motivated in my profession for so long. Sure, I know that further advancement in my career is probably not going to happen, but I'm OK with that -- I am fine with just riding out my career at my current level and enjoying motherhood at the same time. Of course your story blows this theory out of the water, and I don't know any other women at my workplace that dropped out completely to be a stay-at-home Mom. I'm an engineer, and too much specialized training is vested in us to just simply "drop out".

At this point, I'm really looking forward to having my first baby so much it hurts. My husband is in the mode of "I don't know what to think yet, but I'm taking things as they come". But we are both pretty anxious right now as we're trying to conceive, hoping it will happen VERY SOON so we can move on to this part of life. Wish us luck! Again, loved this post - so like me!