BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development White Trash

There are times that your "partner" in life slides from being your anchor and rock and becomes an antagonistic part of your world. I'm sure we've all seen it. The guy who calls his wife "fat" in public. The woman who picks on her husband's clothing choices incessantly. Somehow the person who is supposed to "have your back" is stabbing you in it instead.

So let's say your partner keeps calling your home "white trash" - a derogatory term for a poorly kept, run down location. Here are the steps I would take.

First, I'd keep in mind that he was probably trained in this perception by others. Maybe his parents hammered it home to him that people in homes like that were to be looked down on. So he has decades of training in this thought pattern and that is hard to break. We all have those childhood training messages that are so thoroughly driven that they're hard to even think about changing.

Next, to be fair, I'd look to see if there's a kernel of truth in what he's being triggered by. It's one thing to dismiss him as being completely insane It's another to step back and say, OK, maybe there is something that we can work on. That way you can acknowledge that you see his concern, and together you can find a solution.

The key here is that healthy relationships rely on supportive communication. If one partner is using deliberately hurtful words, then that is not a good sign. Communication should be done in a way to reach positive forward growth, not hurting the other person. So - and I know this is challenging - see if there is a way to find a quiet time and then say something like this -

"I feel hurt when you use the term 'white trash'. Trash is something useless - it cannot even be recycled. If you mean you do not like to have a messy home appearance, could you say that instead? That way I know what the issue is. A mess can be organized. The word "trash" is a permanent, negative connotation which does not leave room for improvement."

I would bring it up each time he uses the phrase, and any time he uses another better phrase I'd be very happy about it. That way you use both negative and positive reinforcement.

In the long term they say that continually rewarding positive statements works better - but I do think it's also worth bringing up your feelings about the use of the negative phrase because it's a symptom of a larger issue.

At this point his choice of phrase is something I choose not to make a battle over. I know you don't like him using that term, but there are many more worse things I work on with him, communication-wise. This one doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Now I remind myself that he is from the south and has his own issues with this and blah blah blah.

It's like me calling myself a misfit. I like the term and it pleases and amuses me. Other people (like therapists or friends) seem to think it's terrible that I use that word and try to get me to change it. They are missing that I like it and i am a little proud of myself to say it. It's a POV thing.

So it's not nice that Dan uses white trash as a term, but i don't mind the term itself so much as the fact that I DO have stuff everywhere and that is what he is reacting to.

I am taking my babysteps to clean things up, and it will eventually get done. Maybe not in his timeframe, and that saddens me. I'd like to prove myself to him. But not at the risk of having the crazy come back.

Hi Lisa, here in the UK the term �white trash� is very much a derogatory term but it is nothing to do with a cluttered home. It is generally used as a strong verbal attack between cultures or races. (JOY)

Dear Jilly -

I certainly understand the idea of picking and choosing the battles of the moment.

One challenge with choosing a "negative implication" word for yourself is that it can then be hard to hear other people use the word negatively. I would think it would be better to use a word that wouldn't be heard in other peoples' conversations in a negative way for that reason. It's as if you chose to be proud of being a "glutton" - but then you go to a situation where people are complaining about gluttons, and it makes you feel sad because that's your chosen word. It would seem better to choose a word that has special meaning for you but isn't already a commonly used negative word. Maybe a word from a sci fi series you like?

I'll address the actual issue of living with a mess-avoider separately, back in the organization forum

some background to the term "White Trash"

Hi Ian, thanks for that info. (JOY)

Ian, this is the meaning I know of for white trash or poor white trash. I admit that i didn't know that the slaves looked down on them. Maybe that's why they held on to being white in a society where they were still a rung above anyone black. In the 60s I felt it was a great sadness that poor whites and poor blacks didn't realize they should have been making common cause with each other.

Dear Mona -

I think sometimes when people are feeling depressed that they cling onto "well at least I'm not as bad as XXXXX" as their only way to feel better. I agree that it would probably be more healthy if they could feel good about themselves without having to belittle others. After all, we are all on our own paths, trying to make our way as best we can.