BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters Emotionally Abusive Mothers

I'm so happy to have found this forum with so many people who suffer from the same affliction. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man---my best friend, in fact. We are blessed to truly know and appreciate one another. However, the relationship he has with his parents---and the one I have have with them---is toxic, damaging, and seemingly irreparable. I met his parents 5 years ago on a trip to CA. He and I were traveling around the country for the first time together and thought it would be special to visit his parents. Upon my first impression, I had an unnerving feeling that they were "too nice," or in other words, their hyper-niceness felt fake and even off to me. I decided to keep trying to get to know them and give the relationship a chance. A few hours later, his mother was getting upset speaking with her husband about their living situation, and I could tell the discussion was getting more and more heated because I was hearing her raise her voice. Then my fiance got pulled into the discussion, and before I knew it, I heard her screaming full-blast at her husband and my fiance, calling both of them names and even insulting ME, who she had just met. To give you an idea of what she is like when she goes off, imagine a rabid dog foaming at the mouth with rage. Disrespectful? Yes. But I have never seen anything like it, and that is the closest approximation I can think of. I come from a family that has it's issues, but nothing like my fiance's family. She has been having rages like this a few times a year (at the least) for his entire life. Since I have known her (5 years), it's averaged out to be roughly one blow-up per year. And the past 4 times have been directed at me---how horrible I am, how stupid I am, how trashy I am, how f*cked up my family is, the list goes one. She is extremely hurtful and then expects me to forgive her---with all my heart. I did this the first few times, which was hard enough, as I have never been hurt so violently by someone in my life. I forgave her anyway and reopened my heart to her. Then the third time happened, then the fourth, and a few days ago, the fifth. Here's what I know: I know that these incidents are not about me or what she's screaming at me. I know they are about her own unhappiness in life, and that she looks for the nearest person to throw her misery on so that her problems appear external when in fact they are all internal. I am tired of this cycle and I don't see an end to it. Her husband enables her and their lives have suffered immensely from her behavior: they have no friends, rarely speak to family, have moved from rental home to rental home (averaging 2 moves/year for the past 20 years because she cannot stay happy in one home/fights with the landlord), and has lost all interest in social activities and exercise. Their financial life is a nightmare also, and many times the husband has come to my fiance and I, in private so as not to upset his mother, and asked for money to pay their bills---despite knowing that we are a young couple just starting out and can't afford to keep bailing him out. Thank God that my fiance has a strong head on his shoulders and knows how to deal with his parents. He takes the best and leaves the rest. However, the cycle always repeats itself, and although we don't communicate with them for months at a time after a blow-up, eventually they want to talk it out and we forgive them with the condition that they cannot behave like that again.But like clockwork, she explodes again and more damage is done. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of faith that people their age with such strong habits can change. They are both in their mid-sixties. I feel like this time, instead of just not talking to them for 3 months and then forgiving them, that we need to require both of them to get help (counseling) before we reestablish communication with them again. They need to learn that they cannot behave like that, that just because it is "real" emotion does not mean that it is healthy, that our finances are NOT united but are distinct and separate, and that they cannot abuse us anymore and expect us to be there for them when they need a $6,000 check for moving expenses (yet again). Anything else I'm missing? I think those requirements---especially the "getting help" component---are key. Any additional suggestions any of you may have from experience would be most appreciated.

Wow. I'm so sorry for your suffering, and at the same time it's so good to know people like you are out there---I'm not the only one sort of feeling. I think all you can do is walk away---compassionately. True compassion isn't about being the nicest, most forgiving woman on the block, it's about doing what is truly right for the other person. In this case, as in many of the cases in this forum, your mother is a deeply wounded person. It is not your responsibility to fix her or "be there" for her. She needs to look inward and find these things for herself. It is your job to love her enough to love yourself---protect yourself from her. You are right---cutting ties with her may be the right thing to do. We teach people in our lives how to treat us. If she's hurting you, walk away and don't allow communication until she has proven to you that she's actively getting help for her issues. Until then, tell her you love her but it's not safe for you to be near her. She is toxic to herself, also. I just posted something on page 5 of this forum for the first time---my own experience with my mother-in-law-to-be, and I think it's high time I take a little of my own advice. I will not allow communication until I know she is actively seeking help. Until then, it's very likely the abusive cycle will continue, and the despair and bitterness will only ripen.

I've only recently identified that I am being emotionally manipulated by my mother. She does and says whatever she wants all under the umbrella of "help." Then she screams that no one respects her. I'm a 36 year old woman with two beautiful children. I am married to a man that can only be described as "eccentric." My mother is 64 years old and is married to the same man for over 40 years. She hates him. Always has as long as I can remember. As little as 6 years old, I can remember trips to the beach being canceled because the car wasnt packed right. She'd punch him in front of me and ask me to take her side. He is still there, taking her hatred like he deserves it. It's awful. My mother will go weeks without speaking to me or my sister for such sins as "I don't like your son's hair and you're being disrespectful for not cutting it" to "I sat home and did nothing on Memorial Day while you and your family had fun." She is constantly telling me she's not needed and how I hurt her by keeping her away, but when she is here she does nothing but bark orders IN MY HOUSE or ask me a million different questions all with the air of judgment and criticism. She is lonely and has no hobbies. She never worked and doesnt have alot of friends. She says she choose to be a mother and sacrificed everything for her kids. I am tears now over a fight we just had about a confusion on a date for the movies. I "blew her off" about taking my daugther to the movies cause I thought it was another day. Now she had to "endure traffic and rain to take her on a day she didnt want to." I fight back and I'm "disrespectful." Sometimes I wish I would die. How do you handle someone with irrational viewpoints about what they deserve? I am everything she says my sister is not and she still finds fault with me.

I would like to update this post. My mother passed away. After talking with medical professionals, it was determined that she had a brain tumor that had been growing slowly over the past 20 years. While this doesn't erase the damage, I know that in her final weeks, she expressed her love for me. May she find the peace she never knew on earth in the afterlife. I love you mom!

^I'm very sorry to hear that. :( [quote=msbaby] I wonder if something in people's background make them angry at the world or if they are just so miserable in their own skin that they want to pass it around? [/quote] That's a question I have been asking myself for a long time, in relation to my Mom. I have heard numerous stories about how wild she was when she was younger, from my Dad, her friends, and from my Mom's parents. She partied a lot, did a lot of adventurous things, and dated a lot of people. I don't understand how that translates into raising me in such an authoritative manner, to the point where I can't leave the house without permission. The only guess I can make is that she wishes she was still young and could have fun and won't let anyone else do so unless she can somehow find a way to "live through them". I've currently hit another low point in our relationship. I have decided I'm going to plan a trip to visit another country where a friend currently lives. She has expressed that she won't let me go unless she can come as well. At first I thought I was winning the "battle" against her by telling her she is not respecting me, but I don't think the word "respect" is in her vocabulary. A couple of months have passed since we first had that discussion, and again she is demanding that she come with me. She makes appeals to safety, and last night was telling me how much I would break my father's heart if I left on a trip alone, and how much he would cry. She's playing the blaming and guilt game again and I can't stand it. I feel like if I win this one I might be able to break the destructive dialectical relationship between both of us.

Although my mother had her moments when I was young she pales in comparison to some of these posts. I was also the youngest of 4 so I guess she was a bit burned out by the time I came along. It is not an excuse but when my mother was going through menopause it was eventually discovered that she had Type 2 diabetes. Once that was under control she seemed on more of an even keel. The sister 5 years older than me was a very strong personality. I was the peacekeeper so I think that had something to do with some of the outbursts from her. I was an easy target because I would not argue back. This sister fought depression all of her life. It is too bad that it was not until her late 40's that she finally find a counsellor that worked for her and did not just resort to medication. In our mothers message, at her funeral, she acknowledged that she should have seen someone for her depression. It was not a surprise to any of us. Please don't blame yourself. It is their problem not yours. I went through most of my sister's depressions and suicide attempts. We became close as adults because I could understand by then what her problem was. Even as a support to her I had to learn to pull back and not blame my self or burn out myself. Look after your selves first. Brenda

I stopped speaking to my mother ten years ago. The last time I talked to here I was angry and hurting and hung up the phone thinking I would call her again when I got my head together.

What I learned is that it's a lot easier to get my head together without my mother's toxic influence in my life.

After years of therapy I can honestly say I'm not angry with her anymore, and I don't wish her harm, but ours was an abusive relationship and I had to get out for my own safety and sanity.

It's no different than if you were in an abusive relationship with a man or a lover - if it turns you into a victim, if it degrades you, if you are battered and bruised (physically, emotionally or mentally) then there comes a time when you have to do what's best for you!

I've met several women who have left abusive men. Some of them claim they still love the man, but they left him because they realized he wasn't going to change. When I hear these stories, I think of my mother.

I wish I could have some kind of relationship with my mother, but I realized a decade ago that she wasn't going to change, she isn't ever going to be able to treat me with respect, compassion or dignity. I deserve those things and if she can't see that that's her problem, not mine!

It is so wonderful that you had a nice closure....i had a horrible relationship with my mother....but at the end all was forgiven and i was with her the only one of my siblings when she passed on.. I was glad i was it made my life now a little easier knowing it happened that way...I am happy for you.

What a great bunch of posts. I too had and have an emotionally abusive mother. Always having 3 older siblings with drug and alcohol problems always left me to the side. I received the brunt of her yelling and name calling. I received the ..." You cant do college chemistry thats too hard for you" My mother is manipulative and mean. I went 2 years ago to a therapist that suggested that I stop talking to her...so I did. I also stopped speaking to my sister whom is a Heroin, prescription drug and alcoholic. My older brother Drug addiction and Alcoholic and my other oldest brother Alcoholic. SO I stopped talking to all of them. My life was better, but there were doors in it that were never closed. To cut this huge story short. I do not and never have done drugs or alcohol. I went to school and did very well...I have been married to my husband for 20 years this November..we were not able to have kids, but I ended up raising 2 of my sisters children. One is in college and one is 13. My mother and sister now sit on Facebook and share insults about me back and forth. I called my mother a week ago and decided to tell her how I feel and tell her what she did to me...I am 40 btw. I cried and said how I feel...she had fake empathy and as I was speaking she kept taking calls on the other line from my brother...ah what a mother. Then I asked her to visit ...for the 100th time in the past few months...every time it was no ...until this time..this weekend was her birthday..you know what that means ....little rich Bijoux is going to buy her gifts.( btw the rich part is because my mother calls me a snob for getting out of the gutter that I was raised in) SO ....I ended up calling her with some BS excuse and told her sorry mom maybe another weekend. That ended up on Facebook with my addict sister chiming in with ..her two cents. Why am I telling anyone who will read this? I dont know....I guess so that you don't feel alone...I am calling my therapist today and going back in for a mother overhaul haha as I put it. I have no plans to speak to my mother or Dorothy ever again, she is 75 and I am just hoping she passes away soon so that I dont have to bear this burden of her anymore. The suggestions to stop talking to people that hurt you is great...it does work. Thanks for listening to me ramble...B~

Hi Bijoux,

You are not alone, and I feel all of your pain. You have done well to try to overcome the challenges that you've made. I would like to make some other suggestions on how to deal with emotionally abusive mothers. It sounds as if you have a strong support system with your husband of 20 years. You don't make it that long without having a strong supportive spouse. I commend you for all of your efforts in trying to make it work and in raising your sisters children, it is their loss for not sharing in your accomplishments. Please make contact with me through my email so that further content remain kept. I'd like to give you some suggestions. Please reach me at daughters@bellaonline.com

Thank You for sharing! And you are not alone.


Tuculia Washington
Daughter's Editor