BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence My story

I have recently separated from my husband. We lived together for only 6 months and he abused me from day one. There were episodes of abuse even before marriage but i dont know i just went ahead with the wedding anyways. I just couldnt break free and it took a lot of effort to leave him eventually. Both of us are indian muslims and highly educated. Though he never followed the religion himself, but i was supposed to do everything and even if a hair strand fell out of my scarf, he would give me a tough time. The whole time we were together i felt like i was walking on egg shells, afraid to make him angry and doing whatever he asked me to do. His parents and three elder sisters encouraged him to get another wife and all of them abused me verbally and called me and my family names. They even told him to beat me up if i did something that was wrong in his eyes. His abuse ranged from pulling my hair to throwing me against walls and doors and punching me and kicking me until i fainted or started bleeding. He is very muscular and physically very strong, although he is not very big, but daily excercise has made him very strong. And i am small and petite and very slim. I just couldnt fight back no matter how hard i tried. His abuse was escalating day by day, giving me serious injuries and telling me he would get another wife and calling me ugly and really putting me down on daily basis. He was insanely jealous and possessive and i was not allowed to even have female friends. Also, he is very social and his friends really like him. Everybody thought that he was the ideal husband as i had never told anyone about his behaviour. He would give me bruises and later on massage me and apply creams on my bruises and he would tell me that my skin was very sensitive and i was very petite, that was why i had started bleeding so soon or i fainted so soon. He would soemtimes ask me to get a hot shower to make the bruises go away. He would then ask me or sometimes force me to have sex with him right after beating me that made me feel sick but i had no option except to submit for fear of being hit again. He constantly kept checks on me, asking me where i was, why was the phone busy, why did a girlfriend call me, why i spent half an hour in market when i bought only a few things? It was getting insane. The abuse was not only physical, he was abusing me mentally also. He used to call me ugly and short and dark. He used to tell me that i was not worthy of him and he was treating me far better than any other guy would do. He would kick me and tell me that i deserved this because he was very handsome and i was very ugly and he deserved better. I literally became a walking zombie. I had become suicidal and mentally i was so underconfident. I had stopped looking in the mirror and he really knew how to hurt me. He would avoid eye contact with me and that made me feel low and unworthy of him. I still dont know why he said all those things. I do not want to praise myself, but he was the first person to tell me that i was ugly. I had always heard praises about me from my friends, family and even strangers were always telling me that i was beautiful. I used to be the star of my university, having several distinctions. When we got married, people actaully expressed their shock but i was so much in love that i didnot care. He used to really torture me in ways that are too shameful and i still have not told anybody. We lived together for six months and i was beaten severly three times, enough to send me to hospital. Then i decided to leave him. It took a lot of courage and planning and i needed help. We are both away from home, in another country in europe and i was alone here. I could not go to his friends as they are the same stereotypical muslims who think beating wives is sometimes necessary which ofcourse is not true. Its not allowed in our religion but our culture allows these things. Anyways, i asked for help from my university, and left him one day. Ofcourse the next day, he reacted and he reacted terribly. There were threats and a lot of name calling but i kept my ground. I was very afraid inside because i was all alone in a another country and he had been living here longer than i was. I was new and i was alone, i was a female and afraid. But i had a few good friends who helped me and supported me. Then his approach changed. He started coming to me, crying, saying sorry, asking the indian communty to help mediate and asking them to make me understand. He would say all the stuff that i wanted to hear. I dont know but he kept persisting for two months then eventually i decided to give him another chance. Two weeks into our reunion, we had a fight and this time he tried to kill me. He suffocated me to the point that i thought i would die when suddenly a guy came where we had parked our car near a lake and i escaped. I am now applying for divorce. I have full support of my family and friends but im so afraid of him. He is a constant threat to me and i have filed a police complaint also. I dont know what he will do to me once he knows that i reported him. There can be serious charges against him but i know that one day he will take revenge from me. Im so, so afraid.

Hi. I wanted to, felt compled to say something to you. I left my husband in December of last year. I got on a plane tohe next morning after I left him, and I stayed away off our island for about five months. I only came back temporaly to try finish of devorice that I filed for the day I physcially left him. We have a eleven month daughter. She is with me at my parent's home, and I am planning to move her and myself along with my parents to their home island in about two months or less. I have had a hard time emtionally, some days more than others while I was gone, and most recently since I came back and heard his voice. I've been feeling extra lost, and i went and talked to a counseler for the first time in person yeserday. She helped my emotionally but I know I need to countinue going. I have gotten more of my releif from reading books I bougt from Amason but I ended up on this site tonight. And your post is the first one I read. My husaband didnt' do some of the things yours did, however i hear my experiences in your story. I started dating my husband and soon got pregant. He wanted me to get an abortion but I didn't. He later prospoed, and my gut said tht prosal was not good enough. I wans't convinced he loved me and really want this marriage. However in time I got happy I chose to believe him and we started to plan our wedding. We got married after I and the baby moved in to his place, where is little brother also lived. Two days after I mvoed in, I really saw the mental abuse kick in. He said stuff like you can't wear this, i want to show for your uunderwear, you can't cook eggs, you can't be out he house at nightm you taking to long ironingm I own you, you are my slave, you are the worst mstake I ever made, I wish I could take my last name back from you, you onlly good for busting nuts. He didt stuff like wake me up for sex, release himself in me, after agreeing not to so that I could start the pill. Say he don't trustt me around other men, ask me who all i slept with. Dint' want me to hang out with my female freinds, call me to see where I am and with whom, insist on dropping me place like work and take car car so I couldnt leave. One day one ting lead to antoher and i put in finger in my face and pulled me, but I stood up to him. He camed done for a while, but a few weeks later he put his hand on my neck and treatened to kill me. I left as soon as I could. I believe knowledge is power and I want to learn as much as I can handle so I read. I read and heard that we victims think about going back, and i was thinking about giving him another chance if he asked me. Since we spoke yesterday and today by phone; but I am glad that your post was here for me to see. I am proud of you and greatful that you left, survived, and you warn me again to not risk mysefl in thinking about ggiving him that second cheek. I can't imagine how much scared you are and worried, and hiding and depressed, but I want you to continue to fight to stay alive, and one day be devoriced and happy and safe. My devorice is still not complete. Good Luck.

Well, dont rush into anything. If you are thinking about reconcilation, that is totally understandable. I come from a muslim background, it was my first experience with men, i thought that i only want one man in my life, so i married him. My husband had been proposing me for so long and i finally said yes, even though he was abusive. Verbally, emotionally and once physically even. But he knew my weak points, and he manipulated me. My wedding was so sad for me because i knew in my heart what i was getting into but i thought, maybe, maybe he would change. Maybe, if i do EVERYTHING that he wants me to do, he would change. I wish i had taken my familyinto confidence and told them what he is really like, but i was being blackmailed by my husband that if i dont marry him, he would make our affair public. So in a way i got trapped. I couldnt afford to have a scandal like this. Now my parents know everything and they always tell me that i should have trusted them. My mother says that it was no big deal to them if i had an affair before marriage as compared to what i am going through now. I was so, so stupid. I earn more than my husband and he clearly told me once that he had married me only because i was earning and i would give my money to him. He said that otherwise, he would have married someone who would polish his boots for him daily. Yes, my husband is THAT typical, indian, conservative type. Three times i was beaten severely and i have lost count of the lesser extent regular slaps and kicks. He pressurized me a lot to come back. He even used our mutual friends. What i didnt understand was that why did he behave with me that poorly, telling me to get out of the house, taking all my salary every month, telling me that he would get another wife, and after i left him, why did he come crying back to me? Why didnt he go and marry whomever he liked? Even my dowry was not enough for him and his family. HE used to tell me that he didnot liek anything in me. He used to call my father in the middle of the night and asked him to take me away, saying that he wanted to divorce me. He was so mentally ill, that he used to complain about our intimate relationship with my FATHER. Can you imgaine this? Finally one day, i said to myself that no. no. no. NO more abuse. Divorce is considered a big thing in our society but i talked to my parents, and my brothers and they said that if im not happy, they are 100% behind me. And i escaped. Initially i was too relieved to get out of house but with the passage of time, seeing him started becoming difficult. We work at the same place, in our own country as well as here. Andhe was promising all these changes, he used to stand outside my house all night long, crying and begging me. And i started feeling that maybe im being too hard on him. He used to come to my office and hold my knees or feet and told me that he was sorry. I gave in. And i mentioned in my previoud post what happened. People like him NEVER change. My husband told me during ou separation that he feels that a part of him has been taken away. He told me he felt crippled without me. He told me with tears in his eyes that i was the most beautiful person he has known and he only said the bad stuff because he wanted me to feel bad about myself. But this changed as soon as i got back. Not in the beginning, but after like 2,3 weeks he attacked me. He watched my fight for air, i still remember. We were in his car and he was being aggressive, i cried for help. That probably angered him more, so he pulled me towards the driver's seat, my head was in his lap and he he put his hands over my mouth and then pinched my nose so that i couldnt breathe and he kept saying...[censored], u wont get away this time...i swear u will die today...But a guy came there probably by hearing my cries of help before, my husband took his hands away from me and i escaped. Moral of the story: People dont change, they just become better actors. You have to be very sure about your decision so that you wont have any regrets about it later on. This last episode made me 100% sure of my decision. I dont have any kids so maybe i have to think about myself only. I can understand your situation. Its normal to miss your abuser, after all they are masters at brainwashing. But believe me, your daughter will be better off without him. And you will be happy in your life one day. Its not far, it will happen. BUT it will take a lot of courage on your part. You have to resist him, best way is to avoid him as much as possible. NO contact makes it easier. My problem is that i see him daily but now im at the stage that i can control myself.

The nigth he slapped me, he told both my parents about how I had sucked another man's ___ trying to embarse me. Now that was years ago, but my husband twisted that into a explosive rampage demaded a dna test to prove our daughter is his. Which I had to do thus far in the devorice. So I understand the whole complaining to your father about you guys intimate business. I made about $100 and change more a paycheck than my husband, and he also expected me to give him money whatever he asked. I had to give him money for his family from time to time. My parents religion is typically against marriage also with very few wiggle room but my parents also supoorted me getting a devorice. I have been dealing with the guilt of feeling like I've failed in the marraige and that I shouldn't or would be looked down abound or that I might never feelinf religiously comfortable marrying again because I was bound to my current husband by God, and worried if he would ever attack me for moving on with another man espeicallly the one he treatened over me before I left. I quit my job and am still unemplyed and uninsured. It was a choice I made but he was harassing me by phone at work although he worked somewhere else. I Thank you for sharing with me and it means a lot, the encouragement. I do believe that my daughter would be better off wihtout him, but the guilt of taking her father away versus hoping he'll just start ignoring her instead. All mixed with the graitude that he not fighting me to keep her and so far my relocation but he's still fighting to visit with her. I prayu for msyefl for him because only God can possibly vhange him, but I know and believe that he'll refus to chance because of his denial of the abuse and he refusal to say sorry and the emails of degradement over months and stupidness he's done in regards to refusing to use her carseat and being late for her visits and her returns... I do believe its all an act now for his family's behalf and to get to me is secondary... thanks again for saying he'll never chance...and I also pray for myslef to be stronger woman and work on my spirtual realtionship and my mental survial... I still feel helpless to erase him for her life for the time being.... but at least I'm not shaking and hiding behind cars scared that he'll see me anymore when I'm outside the house. And I try to not leave teh house alone for the most part. Take Care.

Well. For the time being, take one step at a time. Dont worry about taking the father away from your daughter. Your safety and life is very important. You think he wouldnt mistreat her? He would. So, blv me, she is better off without him and you know if you had continued that relation, it would have affected your children as well. Your daughter will understand why you left him. Everything cant be perfect. Ofcourse all of us want happy marriages, nice kids, this n that. But sometimes, this is not always the case. And blv me, your daughter will understand one day. And who wants such a loser as a father anyways? :))))) (im sorry for saying this, i hope u dont mind)....Im sure you will meet someone nice and he would be a far better father than this person. Good luck !

I don't mind. Thanks. Good Luck, to you too.

I feel the same as you all who have posted before me...@ lostforever I too left my abuser once and eventually went back... The fight that caused me to leave wasnt the first and it wasn't the worst but I felt that at that point I had enough. My boss had called my cell phone and asked me to come to work overtime and suddenly I was sleeping with my boss. We fought and he drug me around our bedroom floor and called me all kinds of dirty names. His last words to me was that I was nothing but a dirty a** s*ut bucket. And he left..He left the room a total dissarray and had the gall to tell me that he wanted the house cleaned by the time he got home.... I packed my stuff and took off... Hoping that it would be the last time. He contacted my job, my family my friends making it seem like I just fell out the face off the earth.... He called he texted he cried saying how much he loved me and that the only reason why he emptied my account was so I wouldnt have the money to "go too far"...smh... A part of me did miss him. Because yes as what was stated before he was the master of the brainwashing.. He said all the things I wanted to hear and I crumbled and went back.. 4 days after I came back he too tried to kill me by putting a knife to my neck. He was later arrested and spent time in jail. I had a restraining order put out on him but he violated it and followed me to work "professing" his love for me on the crowded bus and train. At this point I was under the impression that he finally gets it! He couldn't be lying because he making a fool of himself, right?.....Wrong!!! He is back to his old ways again and the times in between are shorter and the reasons are becoming more and more petty. But I am remaming strong because I need to make sure I do not have to return for anything....Lack of $$$ a place to stay or anything!! So I become like a zombie around him. I have no emotion I have no opinion...(pretty much I have no "triggers") I also read somewhere in the above posts that knowledge is power...You couldnt be more true. Regardless of what stage you are in DV...post, pre, currently. There are tons of things you can read up on. A lot of which provides comfort, closure and answers that our coward abusers would NEVER be able to give. One book I'm finding myself recommend more and more ofetn is Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft... Its a really great book and it makes a lot of things more clear. The more I understand the situation the easier it is for me to deal and more importantly Heal....The internet also is a grea help. From it I have discovered that my abuser might be a sociopath. And knowing that and understanding that helps tremendously....I cannot stress how much more I understand and how it has effected my outlook on the situations battered women like myself find ourselves in...... I really didnt know the meaning of sexual abuse but now that I do I see that in many ways I was raped repeatedly. I was financially abused. I had basic rights such as coming and going as I pleased speaking to people of my choice wearing what I wanted...All of those rights have been stripped! Your daughter..(or kids to anyone else reading this) do not want or need that. If a man doesnt respect the mother of his children he wont respect them. You seem stong enough to be their daddy. They will thank you in the long run! My father now abuses my step brothers mother. And several times my brother almost got arrested for physically fighting with our father.... And one of my old friends spent a year in jail for attempted murder after he stabbed his mothers boyfriend after he abused his mother(it was later ruled as self defense)...But dont let that be your children. I'm so glad that I do not have children because I can focus solely on me. However when we would fight I would say (why couldntI get pregnant? I know he would change if I just got pregnant) It wasnt until later that I have come to my senses!....To every one reading this post please do whats best for you and your kids. Life should be free of fear. God Bless and please keep writing!

Butterfly10: Oh now i have read this post, i have already posted something elsewhere....:) well...to be honest, your abuser is just like mine...totally...100%..i have also figured out that my husband is a sociopath...i never called the police when i was still with him because i was afraid of my community's reaction. They think a man can beat his wife, no problem. I didnt want him to be projected like a victim. So i took everything. I reported him AFTER i left him. The police is still working on my case, my situation is safe for me as long as he doesnt know that i went to the police. As soon as he knows, o rthey arrest him, then the situation will become dangerous for me...There are a few other things that are making my case complicated, and the police is taking this very carefully, there is some blackmailing involved also so i have to be very careful...Reporting him would make my situation more dangerous BUT i had to report him. I can never face myself in the mirror again if i just let him get away with all this. He made me take sleeping pills once, forced me to commit suicide...and there is also sexual abuse involved that i cant even tell to anyone because of again my conservative culture and community... My advice to u is that this time when u go away from him, dont come back, and make a good plan, save money for urself, maybe u can go to a friend's place initially so that u will be safe and u will have support...and also ur friend or family wont let u become weak...

Why Does He Do That? -> I have the book I loved it!!! The full title is Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I have read most of it, and it has helped me in ways nothing and noone-else has. I believe every woman should read it. What made me buy this book was a customer review on Amason that basically said controling people (lets just say men) don't see us (victims) as our true individual selves in the beginning they see us as an ideal imaginary version of a perfect doll or teddy bear, how they want a mate to be in their own twisted mind set. This mate never needs anything or has any feelings, will take all and again never need to receive. Then one day they wake up and see we are not who and what they were projecting onto us and they snap. An if we try defend ourselves they snap more. Butterfly10: Take you for your [zombie]comment that I am going to take to heart. I believe that my husband emailing me in the past with no responses conveying any emotion on my part, and now telephone conversation (breif) with no emotion on my part...has finally caused him to move things a bit faster and civialized in our devorice. However I will remain on gaurd and I will do my best to avoid all emotions as far as he is concerned as you suggested, although I will never get satisifaction of telling him about himself. I know its for the best especially for me mentally. Thanks for your other comments also. Try to not let him find the book or anything else that could upset him. My hisband searched my stuff and if he found something to argue about his searching is not a problem or issue. My husband wanted me to have an abortion and he said he had four abortion prior. In the end I kept the baby but I told him that he didn't need to stay with me or around because of it. After the abuse started I realized that he blamed me for gettign pregant keeeping the baby, only stayed with me and married me because of her and i guess recented me for it all. I realized that was far from not good enough. Plus he got bad about me expressing my feeling in regards to the abortion almost a year later because he searched and found the paper I wrote on. Good Luck.

OMG I'm so upset that I disnt get my hands on this book ages ago! I'm at a place now where everything is becoming crystal clear. I was never really viewed as a person in his eyes. Just like in the book in the beginning he placed me on this pedistal. And now he sees that I'm not that and he went off. I keep repeating he is not abusive because he is angry he is angry because he is abusive.....(so true) And also a man doesnt beat you if he respects you...Things that made sense prior to dealing with him. I am now regaining basic knowledge. I'm sure that book will be a good read for years to come. I make sure to hide the book from him because I know that is a definite trigger... There is also a book thats supposed to be good..(i have it just never read it yet)The ones that got away by ginny nicarthy. I will read it when I'm done with the other one. @ lost forever now you see how they favor each other in so many ways!? As I read your story I read it nodding and agreeing! Yes when I leave it will be for good. I have knowledge that I didnt have a few months ago. And I see what is really going on. I was clueless to a lot that was going on and my cluelessness turned to doubt that it was as bad as I thought. And my doubt turned to forgiveness. But I truly see in a different light. Once again I applaud you on your step. I'm not sure if I would be happy to report him either but I know what you mean about not being able to look in the mirror if you hadnt... I honestly havent been able to truly look in my eyes in the mirror for a LONG time.. My abuser has put me threw so much! I have tried to take a bottle of anti depressants and he egged me on....When I put them in my mouth he smacked me so hard they fell out.. He threatened to push me in front of a train as it was approaching the station even trying to push me!.... Sexual assualts as well.... I know its tough and I know it all boils down to a cultural sitaution with you but I'm telling you telling your story brings awareness and some peace. Remember that you arent the bad one... HE IS!