BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Talking - Seeking Hugs or Help?

When I talk with my boyfriend about something, it's because I want to impart information to him and get feedback. If I bring up an issue for example, I want him to know about it and want his help in solving it. If it's something I have a solution for already but want him in the loop - for example "I am having trouble concentrating on my book, so I'm closing the door so I can have quiet", I make it clear in my statement that I'm set with the solution.

Do you tend to talk with people around you in order to find solutions? Or are there times where you talk just to "vent", and want hugs rather than solutions?

Lisa, thank you for starting this really interesting thread. It's said that when women bring up an issue, as you say, they usually already know the answer. All they're looking for is some interaction from the other person.

Men, on the other hand, always presume that they're being asked for a solution and never give the woman what they truly want - some reassurance that they've made the right decision or a simple hug. (JOY)

Wow Lisa, awesome thread!!

Hmmm, I tend to be the problem solver- so I tend to say ''I'm shutting the door, because....''.

I try to get feedback sometimes, and reassurance for sure- but most of my immediate circle, sees me as the matriarch, so I neither ask, or often receive feedback.

Seeking help doesn't come very easily for me, although I am definitely open.

Thanks for this!!

heeheehee. I am thinking I might be the inspiration for this question.

In person - not online conversations - if I am just talking then i am not looking for solutions, I am looking for comfort. I am very good at being clear when I want advice. I will say, "i'd love some help on this" or "i need some advice." I feel I am a very good communicator that way.

If I don't say that and someone starts offering advice - while that is nice of them - it's NOT what I wanted. It falls into the category of unsolicited advice.

This is an endlessly frustrating issue with Dan. I have nicely, gently - and less nicely, less gently - told him over the years that unless I ASK, I am looking for comfort.

One of the books I have on male-female communication says this is an extremely common issue, that men don't bring something up unless they want a solution. It makes ZERO sense to Dan that all I want is to have him say, "wow, that really sucks. I feel for you."

The book suggests that when women bring thing up, it's a bonding issue. I really get that. The two closest people to me are not real comfort providers, though - my hubby and my mom. They are always offering unsolicited advice when all I really want is someone to stroke my forehead and say it will be ok. Either metaphorically or literally.

It makes me feel lonely.

I totally identify with what you said!

Hi Suzanne and Jilly, great insights. Have you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? It explains very simply how and why men and women can say exactly the same thing yet mean something totally different!

Another interesting book to read, again by John Gray, is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Children are from Heaven." It's described as the ultimate guide for parenting. (JOY)

Joy, I've read that book a while back and found it pretty accurate about the 'cave' and men. It's been a while - might have to check it out of the library and refresh myself on the precepts.

I had a conversation with my mom about the 'comfort-seeking' thing. She really doesn't understand WHY someone would need comfort. Which is weird, as she is my mom and you'd think it would be natural mom behavior. ;-)

It amazes me that some people are islands unto themselves. It's not a way i would like to be. I like to soothe others when they need it. I like to be soothed when I am feeling in need. People need to reach out to people. Soothing another person is free and takes little effort! Sometimes we are the stable rock in the river, and sometimes we're the swirling eddy. I see it as the ebb and flow of things. :-)

Hi Jilly, many thanks for your insight! (JOY)